The Auto Classifieds Glossary

If you haven't caught on by reading the title, I'm still looking at auto classifieds. And I'm starting to notice common elements in them. Crazy, stupid things. Clues to the buyer's potential screwing hidden behind catchy, smartassed buzzwords and oft-repeated but little-understood terminology. But fear not! In my many (well, around 20) years as a car enthusiast, I have caught on to the true meanings of these terms, and have decided to compile them here. If ever you are in the market for a used car, refer to this handy little glossary to find out exactly what those unscrupulous guys with no scruples are REALLY saying.

Original with only 28k miles

What it's supposed to mean: It's barely been used, and will be in good shape.

What it really means: It's owned by some old lady and has never been driven over 20 miles and never faster than 40 mph, so you can be sure there will be lots of cold-running stress on the mechanical components.

Many new parts

What it's supposed to mean: We've replaced nearly everything, so it's practically a new car.

What it really means: We abuse the hell out of it, which is exactly why we've had to replace everything on it.

Can't replace for this price

What it's supposed to mean: You won't be able to restore a car like this one for the amount of money we're asking for it.

What it really means: We're hoping you don't know that people hardly ever get their money back out of a restoration, so you'll think $20,000 for a car that's had $30,000 invested in it will be a good deal, even if the book value is only $10,000.

Stored since 1975

What it's supposed to mean: It's like a time capsule! Fresh as a the day we put it in storage.

What it really means: We forgot to drain the fluids, so there's been plenty of time for calcium deposits to build up in the cooling system, the oil to gunk up, the engine to seize from lack of use, the gasoline to crystallize, and the battery to leak acid and eat through the inner fender. We also forgot to mention it's been stored outdoors for thirty years.

Valued at $10,000, asking only $8500

What it's supposed to mean: It's a great deal. We're asking far less than it's worth.

What it really means: The fickle market currently isn't interested in this car, and despite what the NADA book says, no one will offer me more than $5,000 for it.

Numbers matching

What it's supposed to mean: Hell if I know. Seriously. Everyone has their own definition for this one. This phrase is really supposed to mean every part is the same that came on the car, but this almost never applies to the car being advertised.

What it really means: The seller saw someone else selling a car that had that phrase in the ad, and it sounds really professional and stuff. And I mean, sure it has aftermarket wheels and a Bosch alternator, but it still has the original engine. I think. I mean, it's the right kind, anyway...so that means it worth like, five grand more than all the others like it.

No joy rides

What it's supposed to mean: I won't let you drive it for a long distance without supervision prior to the purchase.

What it really means: I won't let you test drive it at all, and if I'm lucky, you'll pay me the money and sign the title before you realize the lower control arms are severely bent.

No tire kickers

What it's supposed to mean: Don't stand around idly and pretend to go over the car even though you don't know what you're doing. That's a waste of my time.

What it really means: I won't let you examine the car closely at all, and if I'm lucky, you'll pay me the money and sign the title before you realize there are rust holes in the trunk floor and frame rails.

80% restored

What it's supposed to mean: I've done most of the restoration on this car, now you can finish the final details.

What it really means: I restored the interior and had the car painted, now you just need to rebuild the transmission and replace the floorboards.

My loss, your gain

What it's supposed to mean: I'm selling the car for less than its book value and less than I've invested.

What it really means: I'm losing a money pit, you're gaining one.

Needs TLC

What it's supposed to mean: Basically solid, just needs to minor repairs.

What it really means: If you want to get it home, you'd better bring a flatbed.

Runs and drives

What it's supposed to mean: It's a usable car in its current condition.

What it really means: We didn't say how well it runs and drives. The valves clatter, the pistons slap, it burns oil, and the transmission slips, but yes, technically, it does run and drive.

Nice driver

What it's supposed to mean: It won't win any shows, but it'll look good driving down the road.

What it really means: It looks great from thirty feet away, it's not until you get close that you realize half the chrome is missing.

Complete car

What it's supposed to mean: The car needs work, but no parts are missing.

What it really means: Half the parts need to be replaced, but yes, they are still on the car.

Adult owned

What it's supposed to mean: It's been owned by a responsible individual, not someone who abused it.

What it really means: The seller is 35 and has driven the shit out of the car, but is hoping the buyer will buy the stereotype that only teenagers do that.

Paint your color

What it's supposed to mean: We've primered the car for you, to save you time and money.

What it really means: We've primered the car to cover up the rust, and the fact that we fabricated the right quarter panel out of Liquid Nails, a street sign, and five gallons of Bondo.

Just remember, if you ever think you're being screwed when buying a used car, just check to see if the seller has ever used these terms. Then you'll know for sure what's wrong with it. And you'll probably want to kiss me.

CRAP Alert

I've spent quite a bit of my time lately in a hospital waiting room. It's really amazing the lengths one will go to for entertainment in these things. While you sit in the clinical, brightly lit chamber listening to children screaming and Fox news anchors droning, you start looking for a better pan to fry your brain in. Magazines are deemed unworthy early on, unless you want to read Good Housekeeping or Newsweek. So you just have to sit staring into your lap, sometimes for hours on end. I was in such a situation at about 3:30 AM, when the only other lost souls of the waiting room were asleep and my corner of the room was the only lit one. That's when I discovered the pamphlets.

Every waiting room I've ever been in has had these: Small, colorful pamphlets donated from some local church, in a white box behind the desk lamp marked "Free Spiritual Tracts", or some crap like that. I had always noticed them, but had never picked one up before. But this bleak morning I did just that, and my spirits were immediately lifted by the most marvelous load of horse shit I've ever had the pleasure of stumbling across. I immediately started stuffing them into the inside pocket of my jacket.

I didn't just pick up anything...those with titles like "The Path to Salvation" were overlooked. After all, I make fun of "normal" religion all the time. No, I wanted the outrageous stuff. And I found about four winners, which I've decided to review here.

How To Get Out Of Prison: Is "of" normally capitalized in titles? I'm not really sure, but it is here. Anyway, this is the first title that caught my eye. This yellow pamphlet has below the title a picture of an illuminated cross bursting through a brick wall, and the bible quote "'If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.' - John 8:36". Prison-breaking with Jesus? Faking a relationship with Jesus to prove you're reformed in front of the parole board? Whatever this was, I had to grab it.

Unfortunately it's nothing so spectacular: it turns out "prison" is metaphorical. They're referring to the state of "spiritual bondage" when one has sinned and not accepted Hey-Soose. Still, it has its moments.

Best Moment: "Bondage to sin is universal and everyone is born in sin. The Bible tells us, 'For al have sinned, and come short of the glory of God,' and "Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey, whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?' (Romans 3:23, 6:16)"

Everyone is born in sin? Doesn't that contradict 1 John 2:1, which says "My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous"?

The Television Set - The World in Your Home: This one was too good to pass up. Fundies ranting about TV? Darn that diversity! This little green piece of paper is pretty plain looking...the text starts on the front, and apart from the outline of a television surrounding the title, it's totally devoid of decoration. But the material contained is priceless. It turns out television is a "dark force" invading our homes and corrupting children. Why do they think children are so corruptible, anyway? When I was five, if someone tried to corrupt me, I would have told him to go fuck himself. But I digress.

The concept is censoring children from life is stupid enough, but even if they insist on it, where are the parents? If they don't want their kids to see "filth", why don't they get the mop, or if you can't stand my needless metaphor, reach for the remote? Oh, wait, I forgot: Fundamentalists don't just want to control their lives, they want to control yours too.

Best Moment: "Regular TV fare includes bloody scenes of holdups, fights, murder, drinking, smoking, dancing, and scantily clad men and women."

I'm sorry, did they just say dancing? What the hell? And the way it's phrased, it seems like they're saying bloody scenes of drinking, smoking and dancing. And how about those bloody scenes of scantily clad men and women? Yeah!

Alcohol - Have You Counted the Cost?: I love when these morons start ranting about alcohol. Not only is their hatred of it not backed by a single verse of the bible, but almost all of these people drink. So naturally I had to throw this one in with the others. A sparse yellow pamphlet with brown text makes it stand out from the others a bit...it's by the far the ugliest, if only in appearance. The thing basically says turn to Jesus and not to alcohol, because drinking alcohol will automatically turn a man into a drunkard. Funny, I drink nearly every day, but I've never been drunk in my life, nor do I ever plan to be. And I have overcome the "horrors of alcohol" without any help from Jesus. Praise Me!

Best Moment: "Many respectable people have become degraded through the use of alcohol. It has brought about the abusing of their families, stealing, murdering, and unfaithfulness to marriage vows."

Brilliant. Don't take responsibility for your own shit, blame it on drink. And if you do any of the things listed above (we'll except the last one in the case of swingers), drunk or sober, you are not a respectable person.

The Christian's Manner of Dress: The last one I grabbed was just too good to let go. Before even reading it, I could picture in my head rants about "Satan's evil invention of dungarees". The fact that it's by far the plainest looking of the four pamphlets - dark pink text over white, with no decoration - only reinforced this idea. Now that I've read it, it's not really that crazy. Just stupid. It basically says not to wear tight or revealing clothing, because it could make someone cheat on his/her spouse with you. You loose tramp.

Best moment: "The words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 lay a scriptural foundation for humility in dress. 'What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.' Notice the apostle does not say that a Christian may glorify his body. Rather, he is to glorify God in his body and in his spirit."

Okay, whoa. If God created our bodies, wouldn't walking around naked be glorifying God? After all, we're showing off his creation (fuck you, I don't capitalize "his" unless it's the beginning of a sentence). What is it with these uptight assholes thinking that nudity is unnatural?

Well, enough of this contretemps. I think I'm going to walk over to the corner of my spiritual prison in my casual clothing, turn on the TV, and watch some sex and violence while enjoying some vodka. Enjoy your day. I know I will mine.

Pugnacious Kerfuffle Strikes Back

-- So the Sci-Fi channel has some new shows out, one of which is Ghost Hunters, which I've rather enjoyed thus far. I looked forward to it prior to its premiere and for the most part have not been disappointed. However, there was another show I was looking forward to that I have been disappointed with, called Proof Positive. This was supposed to be a show that seriously (and scientifically) investigated claims of the paranormal. Unfortunately, the result is the exact washed-out load of shit I was afraid it would be.

Every episode has three cases, and by the end of the episode one will be judged false, one inconclusive, and one proof positive. This is incredibly goddamn stupid. If you go into an investigation with a pre-conceived notion that it will be one of the three, you aren't being objective. When they're making the show, they know ahead of time that one of the cases has to fit in one of these particular brackets. So suppose they're all inconclusive (as is usually the case with paranormal investigation)? Well, they'll throw in some bullshit evidence at one case and say it's proof positive (He passed a lie-detector test! That's irrefutable proof he's reincarnated!), or use some bullshit way to throw the case out (We spent one night there and didn't see any ghosts, so that's proof that the place isn't haunted). What a load.


-- Next year they're remaking Oh God. Remember that one? George Burns is God, John Denver is a loser (great casting)? Except this time Ellen DeGeneres is going to be playing God. They're obviously only casting her due to the publicity it will receive casting a woman (and doubly, a LESBIAN) as God. I find all media-whoring, especially overt media-whoring like that, to be downright boring. But even more disgusting is the inevitable reaction from uptight people everywhere. Why, in that lovely AFA Monthly Journal that I did an entry on recently, they mentioned this in their news section, saying "Apparently it wasn't enough for actress and comedian Ellen DeGeneres to push the homosexual lifestyle on her sitcom Ellen..." Oh yeah. Naturally if a lesbian plays God, God will be a lesbian. And you gotta love that homosexual "lifestyle". Because gay people "choose" to be gay, right?

I wonder about people who say shit like that. First of all, to have sex, one must be aroused. If these people believe one can choose to be aroused by a member of the same sex, that must mean that they have been aroused by members of the same sex before. Therefore, anyone who calls homosexuality a "lifestyle" is a latent homosexual. At least that's what I think, love it or shove it. Just try not to enjoy the shoving part too much.


-- I hate modern slang. It's so puerile. I'm not going to "peep" anything, but I'll look at it if you ask me to. Likewise, I won't get too worked up over a woman "doing a milkshake", although I might take notice if I see one dancing. A rich man is not a "baller". Calling someone a "pimp" is not a compliment. And although I may become euphoric, I'll never be "crunk". Not to mention any word that can conveivably be modified with the suffix "-izzle".

Another one that bugs me, although it's ridiculously common now, is "my bad". I first heard this phrase used when I was in the 7th grade, and I seriously thought that the person who said it to me was mentally retarded. It sounds like something a fucking toddler would say, sort of like saying "What's her doing" instead of "What's she doing". It's as if the people have never heard the word "mistake" before.

One of my slang pet-peeves is "sick". Since when did "sick" mean anything other than twisted or disgusting? Now suddenly it means "cool"? I think not. Oh yeah, and part of my philosophy is, if someone calls you "dog", they're asking for an ass-kicking.

Now, peace out. Whatever the hell that means.

Surviving the Apocalypse

Before you infer too much from the title, no, this isn't about Bush's re-election. This is about the real apocalypse. The big one.

Forget everything you know about apocalypses that you learned from the last book inside that big book that Christians read. That's not what the apocalypse will be like. No broken seals, no guys on horses, none of that. The real thing will be about four things: Fast driving, destruction, gunfire, and desert scenery. See, rather than religious text, I have decades worth of futuristic B-movies to back my shit up. So I know exactly what will happen, and what one can expect to see. Rub some grease in your hair, change your cars' oil, saw off a double barrel, and join me on my journey into...THE FUTURE!


Waitaminute! That's not Mel Gibson! Who the fuck is Michael Praed?

The Big Bomb: Some country or another dropped the big bomb. Some say it's Russia. Some say it's China. In most variations of the story (ahem...movies), the United States is responsible. After all, we're responsible for everything. In any case, whoever did it, it's usually because of the cliche "lack of oil" in the future. You know, we've been "this close" to running out of it for fifty years now, so it's going to happen eventually. And when it does...OH BOY! Somebody drops the bomb, and although the environment doesn't seem to heavily damaged by it, or the surviving people, it fucks everything up. Mean old bomb. And it either makes the whole world into a desert, or it causes everyone to move to the desert, because that's where the movie will take place.

The Stoic Hero: No matter what problem comes up in the future, an attractive thirtyish man with a broken past and lots of leather will show up to sort everything out. He will then disappear, never to be seen again. But not before stealing a kiss from the princess of the tribe he's helping. I did mention it will be a tribal culture, right? I didn't? Well, now you know.

The Biker Gang(s): This is absolutely, positively, 100% going to happen. I know this because all the movies have them. The wasteland of the future will be overrun with lots of marauding bikers riding dirt bikes. Most of them look like 1980s punk rock rejects, and they have no conscience whatsoever. We're talking about guys who eat puppies. They usually like to catch someone from the tribe and torture and humiliate him/her repeatedly, all while laughing evil maniacal laughs. The stoic hero will kick their asses, though.

The Shantytown: This is quite often where the tribe is currently living, or maybe where an evil dictator is holding their people/water/fuel hostage. It's a settlement of ruffians who drink and consort a lot, and lots of people get killed there on a regular basis. Think Tombstone, Arizona, in its heyday. In any case, the town is usually built around either mining or production of fuel. Somehow, both of these activities involve digging an endless pit. It will show the pit at least once: a dark, dirty place with lots of chains hanging from the ceiling and men in tanktops and suspenders digging all over the place. Every once in a while, a big flame will - FWOOOOOSH! - shoot out of nowhere in the middle of the men...indicating, of course, that it's a hot environment. For play (apart from drinking and screwing), the entire town usually gathers in a big arena to watch people beat the shit out of each other in a fight to the death. If the town is ruled by the aforementioned dictator, our stoic hero will have to fight here. Naturally, he'll kick some ass.


A typical resident of THE FUTURE. You'll be seeing more of this guy. Soon. Like, in the future.

Car Chases, Motorcycle Chases, Truck Chases, etc.: Fast old cars with beefed up running gear and suspensions will have lots of intimidating-looking scoops, bars, and metal skulls welded to them, and will be painted all black. Evil marauders (who may or may not be involved with a marauding motorcycle gang) will try to attack our stoic hero, who either drives a similar vehicle or a motorcycle. There are crashes and explosions and more excitement than you can shake the Excitement Stick™ at. Better sharpen your driving skills and fill up with 93 octane...the future is all about chases.

Strange Trends in Fashion: You'll see it all...women who wear football helmets and shoulder pads covered in white feathers, men in fur coats, men in tight leather get-ups that must have been purchased from "Gays R Us", and some of the goofiest haircuts in the world. The men in leather will have mohawks, the men in fur coats will be totally bald, and everyone else will have floofy '80s hair. Ever see the 1988 remake of The Blob? Remember Kevin Dillon's hair? Yeah, that kind of hair.

Old Economy Cars Made to Look Tough: These deserves a section all its own, because you'll always see them. Pintos with 8-71 blowers sticking through the hoods. Pacers with cut-off roofs and Jeep style rollbars. Vegas converted into 4x4s. Volkswagens with lots of spikes welded to them. Every time.

The Bad-Assed Little Kid: There will naturally be a child to evoke sympathy. But children of the future are pretty tough bastards. They don't speak, they carry huge weapons, and they can whip some serious booty. The stoic hero will befriend one, and the kid will help him out time and time again.

The Promised Land: It might not be called that exactly, but there's always some mythical place where everything is A-OK and civilization is rebuilding itself. Milk and honey, and all that rot. Although the characters will often speak of it (and there will be at least one prominent member of the prominently featured tribe that dreams of going there some day, only to get killed before he/she has the chance), we the viewer never see it. Just as you won't see it in real life. Still, you need to know it will exist, so you can talk about it when this crap finally happens.

So there you go. Now that you know what will happen, you can't complain when you get raped by marauding motorcycle gangs or get annoyed at the goofy little kid who wants the music box you carry in your pocket.

You don't carry a music box? Oh you will. Believe me, you will. You see, in the future...


The future will really amount to an ultra-groovy deathmatch on wheels. Hell yeah!

Supermarket Shuffle

THREE A DAY!
*clank*
THREE A DAY!
*clank*
MILK, CHEESE, YOGURT!
MILK, CHEESE, YOGURT!

Saturday, October 30th, 2004. Approximately 10:30 AM. I was standing in the grocery section of the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Meridian, MS near one of those television sets suspended from the ceiling. For the second time since I had walked in, I was assaulted by the cacophony of CHILDREN SINGING. Horribly off key and out of synch, they sang about their "three a day" to the tune of "Three Blind Mice", and were backed by a cow bell. It was like a study in how to make a jingle as abrasive as possible.

I promptly shot them the bird.

It had all started around an hour earlier. My parents asked me to go to Wal-Mart for them to pick up a few items. Nothing major, just some TV dinners, three cartons of soft drink, some nasal spray, and a sack of cat food. Nothing about this is unusual; I've done this type of thing many times before. But for some reason, this day's trip was a journey into banal absurdity. Or absurd banality, take your pick.

After an uneventful drive, I arrived at the perpetually busy superstore. I parked near the outer edge of the lot, as I am wont to do, and started to walk towards to big "Always" sign. Suddenly I hear a fit of uncontrolled laughter. I turn to see two young black women backing away from their car, laughing. It took me awhile to figure out that they were laughing at the car itself. It was a normal looking blue Chevrolet Lumina, nothing at all unusual. But the two of them apparently thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. One of them started backpedaling from laughing so hard and walked in front of an oncoming car, the driver of which blew his horn. The honking seemed to knock them back to reality. Still giggling, one of them started carting an empty shopping cart to a buggy corral, and the other started unlocking the car. I shrugged it off, then entered the building. As soon as I did, I heard:

THREE A DAY!
*clank*
THREE A DAY!
*clank*

I grabbed a shopping cart, and as I started wheeling it back into the store, I caught sight of a teenage girl lying on the bench outside of the in-store McDonald's (the same one I worked at for a few miserable months, but that's another story). The bench has a life-sized fiberglass Ronald McDonald sitting on it, and she had her head buried in his lap. Needless to say, the scene looked rather provocative. Suddenly Ronald's smile took on a whole other meaning. Randy bastard.

I continued into the store, got the TV dinners, and started towards the back of the grocery section. I suddenly caught sight of the word "lush". Naturally, I had to stop and take another look. Turns out it was "Wisp". The air freshener.

How the hell did I get "lush" out of that?

I continued to the back of the store, and suddenly the thought of Lush Air Freshener hit me. I immediately snorted, chuckled, and tried desperately to control my laughter. But it was no use: I broke into a guffaw. Everyone around me started staring at me as if I was laughing to myself for no reason. I wonder why...

So I get the drinks, and start towards the pharmacy, and then pass under the suspended TV. That brings us back to the beginning of the story. Goddamn singing kids.

After dodging my way through loads of old people, most of which were moving like pulp-wood trucks going up Mt. Everest, I finally made it to the pharmacy. I get the nose spray, and as I'm leaving, I get stuck in a sort of buggy traffic jam. As I'm standing and waiting for everyone to get out of my way, a little kid catches my eye. A goofy looking little blonde toddler, sitting in the top shelf of the cart, with his fat-assed young mother standing nearby. His mouth, which was smeared with chocolate (I hope it was chocolate), was agape, and he was pointing at me. Children. I hate children.

"What the fuck are you pointing at you little shit?" I suddenly thunder.

The mother jumps in surprise and turns to me. "Excuse me?"

"Not you. Your friggin' kid."

Suddenly she's nettled. "Nuh-uh. You won't talk to my child that way."

"Oh won't I?" I shoot back. "I just did, and if the little turd-burglar doesn't stop pointing at me, I'll not only continue to talk to him in that way, but I'll probably end up chopping off his nuts and eating them with ketchup."

"You won't lay a finger on him, you fuck!" she exclaims, her exasperation suddenly turning into thinly veiled misgiving. "How dare you!"

"Well tell him not to point at people, slutbag. If you don't teach him manners, I will."

The child promptly lowers his pointed finger and starts crying. His mother reaches over to cater to him, and I smile the smile of a man fulfilled.

"Excuse me".

Snapping out of my trance, I turn to see a smiling older lady behind me. "I need to get around", she continued.

"Oh, right," I said quietly as I moved aside and let her through. I turned back to the kid, who was still pointing at me, and whose mother still wasn't paying attention. Seeing an opening in the crowd past them, I push through and get to the aisle with the cat food.

On my way through the checkout line, an old man just manages to beat me to the one non-crowded express lane. He has an entire shopping cart FULL of prune juice. Nothing but prune juice. After the old coot has unloaded every bleeding one and the checkout girl has rung them up, she says to him, smiling:

"Nineteen. You just did make below twenty items."

The old man laughed. I didn't.

On my way out of the store, my first thought was "That was weird". Looking back now, I realize that some of the weirdest parts happened in my own head. Maybe it's not the world that's screwed up. Maybe it's me.

If you're reading through all of this, wondering why I'm sharing this, I'll leave you with this. The point I'm trying to make is that ultimately there is no point to be made.

That's all.

So Sayeth The Shepherd! So Sayeth The Skid!

I'm holding here in my paws nothing other than the October 2004 American Family Association Journal, the monthly rag put out by the AFA. If you're not familiar with the AFA, let me just say that I envy you.

So let me tell you a story: Back in 1977 in Tupelo, Mississippi (birthplace of Elvis, and a mere 130 miles north of yours truly), a fellow named Don Wildmon decided he was fed up with the crumbling morality of society, hoping to return to the "traditional values" of yesteryear. 'Cause, you know, there was no pornography or violence in movies in the 1920s. And nobody had sex or defecated, either. Initially founded as a 501(c)(3) - ie, non-profit - organization known as the National Federation For Decency, the organization changed it's name to the American Family Association in 1988, apparently to sound less prudish and more mainstream and goal-oriented. Although they are just a bunch of uptight Jesus-lickers, make no mistake, the AFA is one of the most powerful conservative/fundamentalist Christian lobbying arms in the country. You can see their website here, which contains generous helpings of their general bullshit. Which is what I'm about to explore, myself.

With that out of the way, back to my original story: I obtained this masterpiece of investigative reporting from my mother, whose coworkers are mainly a lot of brainwashed nutjobs for JEEEEEZUS. They normally bring crap like that into the office, and my mother usually takes the opportunity to either throw it away or bring it home for a laugh. And boy, this one is a hoot and a holler.

There is no real cover to the magazine...it starts with front page text with a big color photo, like the front page of a newspaper. The first story: "November elections may determine fate of marriage", with the subscript "HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVISTS HOPE COURTS WILL SETTLE ISSUE". The article goes on to say that "traditional marriage" is at risk, and "'gay' activists" (the word "gay" is always in quotation marks) are looking to "take the issue out of voters hands". The article also quotes Don Wildmon himself: "Homosexuals and those who sympathize with their agenda are trying to take this issue out the hands of the voters, and place marriage in the hands of liberal judges." Ohhhhhh, darn those liberal judges! And what the hell is the "homosexual agenda"? Do these simps seriously think that gays want to make everyone else gay? I'm banking on yes, but if any of you AFA types out there read this and disagree, feel free to correct me on this issue.

So I open up the mag. Inside front cover: The Spencer's Gift Shop in Tupelo was charged for selling sex toys (which is illegal in Mississippi), via efforts initiated by the AFA. Naturally, the AFA is gloating about how much they're protecting the community from things that the AFA deems offensive. "A lot of children, preteens and teenagers wander through the malls. This is garbage these kids don't need to see, let alone purchase," says the very clever Joe Murray of the AFA Center for Law and Policy. Seriously, if they think there are any teenagers out there who don't know what a dildo is, they need a major reality check.

Next page is "NEWS OF INTEREST". First story: "Dating violence linked to sexually active adolescent females". FEMALES? Oh, I get it, so it's the girls' fault they're being raped and beaten. No, sexually active adolescent males have no responsibility here. What are the sexually active females having sex with, Rottweilers? In any case, what the story boils down to is that a study by the Harvard School of Public Health finds that "sexually active adolescent girls are five times more likely to be victimized by dating violence than girls who are not sexually active". Well no shit, Sherlock. That's because girls who aren't sexually active typically DON'T DATE.

The next story is in a similar light: "Teens' sex, substance abuse related". Ooooh...substance abuse! They make it sound like they're smoking crack and shooting juice. But what conclusion does the article end up at? "...teens who say most of their friends are having sex are themselves more likely to have tried marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes". Damn, is that all? So teenagers are smoking weed, cigs, and drinking. Big whoop. I thought this was something new they had come up with.

This brings me to another side rant: I'll never understand these guys and their obsession over keeping teenagers abstinent. Teenagers fuck. Period. It's just what they do. I didn't, you may not have, but not everyone has our kind of willpower. Some - nay, most - of them are going to do it, no matter if you tell them not to or not. And why shouldn't they? It calms their raging hormones, eases the frustrations of adolescence, and gives them practice for sex when they're adults. Since they're going to do it anyway, why not encourage them to wear rubbers?

Another gem in this pile of an awful lot of gems: "Pro-lifers' rights tossed by troopers". The AFA is pissed off because two pro-lifers were pulled over and detained in Connecticut for driving a truck with pictures of aborted fetuses on it, and refusing to remove the pictures. Although the police contend that the graphic pictures were causing a traffic hazard and a distraction to other motorists, the AFA Center for Law and Policy is helping the two douchebags out, contending that the troopers violated their civil rights. Oh, so NOW you care about civil rights, huh? The topping here is that they make a passing mention that one of the officers was charged for harassing a dispatcher last year and making disparaging remarks about her physical condition. Why, that cad!

Oh, and remember the article about Spencer's Gifts? We don't want children to see dildos, but they can see graphic images of aborted fetuses while out on the road. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense, you hypocritical butt nuggets.

Finally we reach the articles, of which there actually aren't that many, at least compared to the news stories. The first really interesting one is "School's Out: Will the Rainbow Bus take our kids to the Land of Diversity?". Oh no! Nothing but diversity! I mean, that could lead to respecting the culture of others! And that could lead to sex, and drugs, and laughing and dancing and merriment, and other ungodly things. This article goes on to say that Parents, Familes, and Friends of Lesbians And Gays (PFLAG, which should really have two "F"s in it when you think about it, but I digress) and the National Parent Teacher Association (PTA, which should have an "N" at the begin...oh, nevermind) are working together to "promote homosexuality". Actually, if you check out PFLAG's website, their work with the PTA over the last four years has been solely to curtail anti-gay bullying, not try to turn anyone gay. Yes, it would appear this article is quite intentionally misleading. Surprise, surprise.

The bullshit pretty much wraps up here: "Movie ratings losing value? Today's PG-13 like yesterday's R." Oh really? Try watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. This was the movie that the PG-13 system was invented for in 1984, and it features a rather unpleasant scene of a man getting his heart ripped out. Hell, that would probably be an "R" now. A minor sidebar in this article: "Study Affirms Liberal Bias in Media". The affirmation? That more individual members of the media voted Democrat between 1964 and 1992. And somehow this makes the media itself biased. Hey jackasses: The media is only as liberal as the conservative corporations that run it.

This is actually only the best stuff: Every word in the AFA Journal is complete hateful crap, and I've only sampled a quarter of it here. And remember when I mentioned how big of an organization they are? The American Family Association has about 2 and a half million members. By any standards, that's bleeding huge.

Our society may be moving forward, but the barbarians haven't completely evolved yet. Maybe in a few more decades.

The Boob Tube

Nothing's on television. Nothing is ever on television. What passes as entertainment for most people often leaves me scratching my head and saying "HUH?". I sometimes wonder is the entire world small minded for watching stupid sitcoms with light-hearted family humor, or if I'm small minded for demanding action, car chases, and explosions. I usually determine the former group is dumber, because family humor is stupid - whereas to deny ourselves chaos, mayhem, and the suffering of others is to deny what makes us human. Simple enough conclusion, but the thought still creeps across me once in awhile.

So I have decided to list a few of the TV shows I like to watch, followed by shows I despise. If you do not see your favorite show mentioned here, please do not get angry that I have forgotten it. Truth is, I probably haven't forgotten it, I probably just don't fucking like it but don't hate it enough to mention it. You simple-minded prick.

Shows that are coolness:

Mythbusters - Colorful special effects gurus Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage build things, smash things, beat each other over the heads, and blow shit up in the name of science...all the while acting like Jim Carrey on speed. And unseen narrarator bad mouths their appearance, their work ethic, their mothers, and their libido while they build scale models and full sized recreations to prove or disprove urban legends, such as determining whether dog piss can make baking soda explode.

Pros:

Engaging hosts, funny as hell, things get destroyed, and above all it's educational.

Cons:

Most episodes don't hold up well to multiple viewings. Sometimes the tests are obviously flawed.

The X-Files - Who doesn't know this one? Two FBI agents, one male and one female (oooh...sexual tension), attempt to solve paranormal mysteries all over the country for the FBI's secret "X-Files". Will it be a monster of the week, or a mytharc episode exploring the depth of the government's involvement with extraterrestrials? Who IS that smoking man? The show's over now, but I still watch re-runs sometimes. I was a big fan of of TXF when it was still on (actually right from the first episode back in '93), and it never quite rubbed off.

Pros:

Great dialogue and direction...very atmospheric. The first episodes had a great "clever use of low-budget" feel to them. Inventive. Mark Snow's scoring was the best television has had since Angelo Badalamenti's work on Twin Peaks.

Cons:

Underacting abound. The show got pretty bad in it's final few seasons...I stopped watching it during the final year.

Ghosthunters - I'm a big paranormal enthusiast (although I'm something of a skeptic), and ghost hunting was a hobby of mine in high school. So you can imagine my excitement when I discovered that the Sci-Fi channel was going start a series that followed a ghost-hunting team (in this case TAPS - The Atlantic Paranomal Society - which is a group I had heard of before) on their normal routine as they attempt to gather evidence in haunted places. What I'm greeted with is a bunch of goofy bastards running around on infrared camera bitching at each other about not being able to find the house when they were driving there three hours earlier. Well, if you want reality, there it is.

Pros:

The show doesn't appear to be heavily staged like most reality shows. Some episodes end up with no evidence or inconclusive evidence. Actually kind of creepy.

Cons:

The investigators themselves aren't exactly objective (one of them is a "demonologist"? What the hell?). Way too many scenes of the pussy-whipped group leaders trying to convince their wives to let them go ghost hunting. The team is totally made up of unlikable jackasses that would be best off lying dead at the bottom of a crater somewhere.

World's Scariest Police Chases, World's Wildest Police Videos, Police Videos, et all. - A car thief in a black IROC Camaro is flying down a stretch of Georgia Interstate. The dash camera in the pursuing police cruiser captures the moment as the Camaro hits speeds in excess of 120 mph, starts leaving the cruiser behind, then loses control and flies head first into a big tree. All the while white-haired prune cock-knocker Sherrif John Bunnell gives his overemotive, smart-assed commentary from behind clenched pearly whites: "Another high performance car with a low performance driver. Now this punk with no respect for other peoples' property will end up someone else's property in a state penitentiary." Lots of crazy action, true crime, and douchebag cops caught on camera.

Pros:

Terribly exciting and violent. Fun to root for the criminals. John Bunnell is funny.

Cons:

The show has too much social conscience, rarely showing the (more common that you would think) videos where the criminals get away. Brown-noses cops way too much. John Bunnell is still a cock-knocker.

Penn & Teller: Bullshit! - I could actually spend all day just writing about the Showtime series (serieses?) that I watch, because they probably have overall the best lineup of any network. But I'll only cover one: Smartass extraordinares Penn & Teller take every bullshit thing that some people believe in...from psychic powers to global warming to God...then explain why it isn't real. Great science and logic backs up everything they do. And best of all: Believers in these things get REALLY pissed about this show.

Pros:

See the pros for Mythbusters, only subtract "things getting destroyed".

Cons:

Occasional gaps in logic. The show is only half an hour long.

CHiPs - This goes under "guilty pleasure". An infamous series that featured a white and a Hispanic duo of motorcycle cops (both of which juggled their police careers with their active bachelor lifestyles), CHiPs premiered in 1977 as an attempt to create the first realistic drama about a highway patrol department on television. Although it was successful at this to start with, the show eventually got gimmicky ("Now they're fighting a guy with a jetpack! Laser guns on the back of pickup trucks!"), and through it all, Ponch and John were never allowed to use their guns. Not once. They never even drew them. And I should also mention the weird effect the staged car crashes had on my childhood. Scenario: a white 1972 Ford Country Squire wagon rearends a blue 1968 Pontiac GTO, goes airborne, cuts a spiral, then lands on its roof and explodes. All of this in super slow-motion, set to twangy 1970s guitar music with synthesizer backing. This was some hip shit during the time.

Pros:

Chases, crashes, motorcycles, and cool 1970s haircuts. Cool late '60s and early '70s musclecars were cheap during this time period, so a lot of them were used on the show ("Hey! There's a '70 Dodge Super Bee back there!").

Cons:

Dopey storylines, especially later in the series. Bad dialogue. Bad "flatbed filming". Cool late '60s and early '70s musclecars were cheap during this time period, so a lot of them were destroyed on the show ("They just blew up a 1971 Trans Am! Bastards!").

Shows that blow:

Joan of Arcadia - Follows the adventures of a high school girl who talks to God. God tells her to do thing. Strange things, which somehow always end up for the better. Pat Robertson would be proud.

Pro:

At least it encourages people to ponder a subject most don't even want to think about.

Con:

Well, for starters, it's a preachy load of horse shit...

American Chopper - Follows a bunch of old flabby mamma's boys who pretend to act all badassed while they're building incredibly stupid-looking motorcycles. The shop is lead by "Paul Sr.", some grey haired asswipe biker who thinks he's hot shit but is overall about as intimidating as a double cheeseburger.

Pros:

Unless you like modern custom choppers: None.

Con:

Just stop bitching at each other already, you bilge-crapping ass-hats.

American Hot Rod - American Chopper, only following the day-to-day trials of Body Coddington's Hot Rod shop.

Pros:

See the Pros for American Chopper, only replace "choppers" with "hot rods".

Con:

See the Con for American Chopper.

Overhaulin' - Yeah, I devoted an entire entry to this one. Some dicksponge gets his car stolen by the show, they laugh as how beat-up it is, then proceed to destroy and rebuild it as something "cool", under the watchful eye of ultra-tacky billet aluminum worshipping hot-rodder Chip Foose. Then they give it back to the owner with an attitude of "Yeah, your car sucked, but now it's cool thanks to us. Bow down."

Pro:

At least the cars aren't junky anymore.

Cons:

Some moral questions. Annoying hosts. Chip Foose is almost as overrated as Troy Trepanier and Boyd Coddington. 9 times out of 10 the cars looked better when they were junky.

Tru Calling - Uber-hip CSI wannabe follows some dorky bint with a stupid name as she goes back in time to prevent murders from happening after hearing dead people talk to her. In the meantime she poses in tank tops and tries really hard to look like Jessica Alba. Yeah, that's the size of it.

Pro:

Good idea.

Con:

Bad execution.

Family Guy - This blatant Simpson's rip off was mercifully cancelled from Fox's lineup years ago, yet thanks to the cult following it has maintained since then, it's now scheduled to return. The rundown: A fat ugly dumb guy goes on fat ugly dumb guy adventures in a generic town inhabited with wacky characters, and is supported by his scratchy-voiced wife, his dipshit son, and his self-centered daughter, along with his mysteriously smart baby who never ages. Does this sound familiar yet? How anyone can so much as crack a smile at this show is a complete mystery to me.

Pros:

Occasionally interesting story ideas. The dog is cool.

Cons:

Cheesy animation, some of the most annoying voice acting in cartoon history, awful comic timing, almost totally unoriginal.

Seinfeld - Although long since ended, this show is still heralded as a masterpiece of subtle, sophisticated humor by people who wouldn't know subtle, sophisticated humor if they found it in a mailbox in an enveloped marked "Fragile: Subtle, sophisticated humor inside". Follows the adventures of Jerry Seinfeld as he worships Superman and deals with his dumbass neighbors.

Pros:

I applaud the attempt at subtle, sophisticated humor. The story elements were cleverly linked.

Cons:

Jerry Seinfeld is not funny. He never has been. The same goes for everyone else on the show. If you're going to make a show of this caliber, it would be beneficial to get funny people to act in it. Timing is crucial to good comedy.

There are probably more shows to add here, but I'm getting bored with this and it's definitely long enough right now, so I'll end it here. And as always, stay tuned for more bitching.

Monday People? Sheesh.

If you've read the past entries in my blog, you may remember the radio station I listen to: 93.5 "The Buzz". They were the ones running that whole "Fuck Cancer in the Ass" drive. 93.5 is owned by "The Radio People", some pissy little media conglomerate that apparently can't get enough employees. Quite a remarkable achievement in an area with such high unemployment. The Radio People have been playing ads begging for employees for at least two months now...and apparently still can't get them. If you ever heard their ads, you'd know why.

The spots feature nothing other than some redneck-ass sounding old woman talking. There are at least three of these ads. In one of them, she spends practically 2 minutes reading off a list of cliches (this is paraphrased):

It's never too late to change your station in life. There's no power in small goals. Your future starts tomorrow. The decisions you make now effect your life. The early bird gets the worm. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Loose lips sink ships. Six of one, half dozen of the other. Look before you leap. All employees must wash hands before returning to kitchen. You can ring my bell, ring my bell.

Finally she gets around to saying The Radio People are hiring. But just as bad is another ad, and the one I more often hear:

Pay attention: You may not hear this message again.
That's what you said the first time I heard it. And each subsequent time, as well.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Monday People and Sunday People.
I thought the two kinds of people in the world were males and females? Live people and dead people? Or maybe we're both oversimplifying.

Sunday People live completely for the weekend, and can't wait for the day to finish. Monday People can't wait for the week to begin. They love their jobs so much, they'd even do it for free if they didn't have to make a living. If you're a Monday person, we want to hear from you.
So in other words, you're looking for losers who immerse themselves completely in their jobs? People who would be willing to work for free? Bullshit. Can we say "unrealistic goal"?

Both ads end saying "Send us your resume, and a letter convincing us why you're the one for us". Ummm...I'm sorry, isn't determining which candidate is the correct one YOUR job? How the hell should I know if I'm qualified or not? The applicant sends his resume, you determine if he is qualified, and if he is, HIRE HIM. Isn't that the way it's always traditionally worked?

Hey Radio People...work on your bullshit a little, and maybe I'll consider gracing you with my resume. Until then, you can keep wondering why no one is joining your "team".

The Animated Adventures of a Retarded Cyborg Exhibitionist in a Position of Authority

Inspector Gadget scares the hell out of me. Always has. Like many members of Generation Y, it was one of the many cartoon shows I grew up on, and one of only a handful that has left an indelible imprint on my life. But not for the reason that the creators of the show would have ever wanted. Every time the show came on, I curled into the blanket at the top of my bunkbed as was instantly transported to a surreal, frightening world full of perverted androids and disfigured megalomaniacs, where every side character was actually a brainwashed, tattooed henchman. But before I get too far into this, allow me to present the facts behind the show for the sake of the uninitiated or any of you who might have forgotten it after 20 odd years.

Inspector Gadget was produced by DiC entertainment, which was responsible for many inventive yet poorly animated Saturday morning cartoons. It first appeared on some network or another in 1983, and enjoyed relative success (as far as cartoons go) until 1986.


The show follows the adventures of this guy. No, I'm not kidding. This is the hero. Hook nose, lethal chin, Peter Fonda-spec driving gloves, everything. Voiced by Don Addams of Get Smart, and is in fact exactly like Maxwell Smart...but he's a cyborg. Interesting twist, wouldn't you say? By the way, I don't know exactly what's going on in that picture, but it appears as though he's making a masturbatory gesture with his right hand while demonstrating his inadequate size with his left. The fact that he's wearing a flasher-spec trenchcoat doesn't help this image much.

Gadget works for "The Police". I assume it's supposed to be Interpol, given his globe trotting in every episode, but this is never specified. He has no coworkers, no office, and we never discover exactly what all of his employment benefits are. He drives "The Gadget Van", which is a strange-looking red, white, and blue van. Need to get somewhere fast? The Gadget Van can transform into a fast, '80s-tastic sports car, complete with balloon tires, federally-mandated black rubber bumpers, and sporty-looking slats over the rear window. How changing the external appearance of his vehicle can make it faster is never explained, but it does. One also wonders how heavy the vehicle is, given the extensive machinework required to make the transformation possible, but then again we are talking about a show where the main character has a red police light and a helicopter rotor wedged on either side of his pituitary gland.


Gadget's only real link to "The Police" is not Sting, but this guy. "The Chief", notable for the fact that he looks remarkably like a cross between John Ratzenburger and a white Danny Glover. "The Chief" delivers all of Gadget's assignments personally, which I would assume means "The Police" doesn't employ many people. This guy always drops by while Gadget is on vacation, usually cleverly disguised as a garbage can, mailbox, hot dog, hooker, or whatever. He hands Gadget a piece of paper with his assignment written on it (real high-tech), which will always self destruct in a set amount of time. Gadget always reads it, casually tosses it back to the chief, who then gets blown up and goes "ohhhhhhh". We're supposed to think that the cause of the chief's perpetual third degree burns is the fact that Gadget is a complete tool who can't get anything right, but I've always theorized that Gadget does it deliberately. After all, the guy is always interrupting his vacation.


The inspector's assignments always involve his nemesis somehow: Dr. Claw. Claw runs a international crime ring called "M.A.D". That's supposed to stand for something, but hell if I remember what. So what are these guys into? Smuggled industrial equipment? Cocaine? Money Laundering? Filipino snuff films? Well, it's something different every week, but it's usually something silly like hoarding all the world's water or attempting to turn lead into gold. Dr. Claw is always seen as a metal hand petting a creepy silver cat, while he sits in his totally goth office and monitors everything Gadget does on a TV screen (more on that later). He also has an impossibly gravely, "I've been smoking for 150 years" voice.


Gadget lives with his chucklefuck niece, Penny, who is incredibly perky and positive. She carries a computer with her everywhere, which is disguised as a nondescript purple schoolbook. Wow. She has a laptop. Give her a goddamn cookie.


Bringing up the rear of this crack team (with emphasis on "crack") is Brain, Penny's ultra-intelligent orange smart-assed dog. He's occasionally anthropomorphic, and can disguise himself as a person, albeit a very ugly person, to help save the day. One downside (really more like an upside, when you think about it) is that he can't talk. He just makes weird arfing noises which only Penny can decipher. Don't ask why. Just go with it.

Here's basically how it works: The gang goes on assignment to some "exotic" country (usually Sweden or somewhere), tool around in the Gadget Van for awhile, then meet some colorful local character, who always ends up having M.A.D.'s evil red cat logo tattooed on him/her somewhere. This always goes unnoticed by Gadget, but Penny usually sees it. Considering it's usually in living color right on the ankle or somewhere, I guess we can commend her for being marginally perceptive. Rather than keep her beloved uncle safe from an obvious employee of Dr. Claw, she typically lets him do his goofy thing, then wanders off with Brain to solve the case herself. They crack the case but don't catch Dr. Claw (and we still don't get to see his damn face), Gadget gets all the credit (and basks in it, because he's far from modest), and then it's "tune in next week" time.

I can not express strongly enough how much this show frightened me at the tender age of five, and still haunts my memories even today. Apart from the obvious elements of a vacuous cyborg who blows up his boss and gets outsmarted by his niece's dog every week, we also start assuming with every episode that every side character who gets introduced is automatically an employee of Dr. Claw. No matter where Gadget is, Claw can follow him on his console computer screen. It's as if no matter how far they run or where they try to hide, there's always an agent...spying. Watching their every move. Filming it. Recording it. The entire world has shifted to the the forces of evil, while "The Police" seems to only have one agent. It's sort of like Invasion of the Body Snatchers minus the green pods, or Blue Sunshine, minus Zalman King trying to shoot crazy bald people in the head with an air pistol.

Although Inspector Gadget is too stupid to care, and Brain is too devil-may-care, one can almost see the despair in Penny's eyes, as society crumbles around her. Despite her attempts to maintain a cheery outlook, she knows she will soon be the only one left...the world will be entirely in the grips of Dr. Claw, and his evil henchmen will be in every school, church, strip club, and yes, every home in the entire world. Everyone will have uber-hip red cat tatoos but her, and even those in a position of authority will be in cahoots with a madman bent on stealing all the world's clock gears, or whatever else he has planned. The world is going completely mad, and any attempts to stop it will prove fruitless.

And that is how Inspector Gadget destroyed my childhood.

And Now For Something Not Very Different

I was reading Crazy Island earlier, and there was a questionaire cribbed from various sources. Since I feel like I should be making a new entry, yet don't really have anything to write about, I've decided to answer this myself.


Your name spelled backwards: Kids (jarring chord).

Where were your parents born?: The land of fire and the land of ice. I was the resulting explosion.

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: A pair of songs from Cowboy Bebop.

What’s your favorite restaurant?: Probably Taco Bell. Basically any place that the food is edible.

Last time you swam in a pool?: May of 2002.

Have you ever been in a school play?: Yes, in Kindergarten. My class sang "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked a Cake". They were good, but I outclassed them. I totally rocked the house, but there unfortunately weren't any talent scouts in the audience that summer night.

How many kids do you want?: Three. One for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner.

Type of music you dislike most?: Any song that has its own dance.

Are you registered to vote?: Yes

Do you have cable?: DirecTV, baby.

Have you ever ridden on a moped?: No, but I did trip over one once.

Ever prank call anybody?: I've called a lot of people and breathed heavily, BUT WHO SAYS I'M JOKING?

Ever get a parking ticket?: No. Parking is free here in Mississippi.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: No, but I might try SCCA racing some day, if I can find a cheap beater sports car.

Farthest place you ever traveled: Well, unless you count that trying spiritual journey in which I discovered that Velveeta cheese makes a really good sandwhich, probably either Pennsylvania or Minnesota. Or the trip I took back to Mississippi during the time that I actually lived in Minnesota.

Do you have a garden?: No, but I might plant one. Either Soundgarden or Memory Garden, I can't decide which. Whichever one, I'll be sure to plant the "Seed of Destruction" and practice "Sowing the Seeds of Love".

What’s your favorite comic strip? Kevin and Kell

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?: I'm a little confused on that whole "ramparts" part.

Bath or Shower, morning or night?: Shower at night. Followed by a snail mucus facial. Works wonders.

Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?: Donnie Darko

Favorite pizza topping?: Bell pepper

Chips or popcorn?: Lasagne

What color lipstick do you usually wear?: I'm of the male persuasion, and do not wear lipstick.

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: No. Good shit?

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: No. I'd have to cut my hair and shave my mustache. Screw that.

Orange Juice or apple?: Whichever one is orange colored. I can't remember which.

Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?:
Does eating at a restaurant with my parents count? If so, I don't remember which the first was, because I was probably 2 years old.

Favorite type chocolate bar?:Peanut Butter Twix

When was the last time you voted at the polls?:
This'll be my first year.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?:
Probably around 8 years ago. I'd rather have a store-bought one, on the whole.

Have you ever won a trophy?:
Honor Roll, Clarkdale Elementary, 1st grade.

Are you a good cook?: Gag-inducingly good.

Do you know how to pump your own gas?: Yes, and change my own oil, and perform most major automotive repairs. You've hit my hobby, there.

Ever order an article from an infomercial?: No, but sometimes if I can't sleep I'll get up, drink some coke, and make fun of infomercials, MST3K style. Sometimes - especially if I'm really tired - I'll come up with a real zinger that I write down and use at some point later. This works well with the news and music videos, as well.

Sprite or 7-up?: Dr. Pepper

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?: Yes. The black cap showed up a lot of dandruff, too. Damn McDonald's. Damn them to hell.

Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Oral steroids and antibiotics for a throat condition a year ago. I have robbed a few since then, though, does that count?

Ever throw up in public? Yep. Ate too much once when I was a kid and left a river of stomach juices outside of a diner. It was a remarkably refreshing experience, for some reason.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?: Given the chance, millionaire. Love is a lot more likely to happen eventually.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: No.

Ever call a 1-900 number?: No, but I did call 976-DROP-DRAWERS once.

Can ex’s be friends?: If they're willing to not act like the complete fucktards that ex's usually act like.

Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?: My father, when he had bypass surgery about ten years ago. I tend to avoid hospitals.

Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?: Hell if I know.

What message is on your answering machine?: An automated woman's voice saying "Please leave a message after the beep". I guess it's supposed to be voice mail, but I don't even know the difference.

What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?: BUCKWHEAT!

What was the name of your first pet?: When I was born my family had a dark grey cat named Velvet. It was very mean. Used to call me names, and try to convince me to kill my neighbors in the name of my Lord Satan.

What is in your purse?: A Ruger Redhawk .44 Magnum revolver, with an 8" barrel and a bright chrome finish, with a genuine walnut handle.

Favorite thing to do before bedtime?: Pace for a few minutes and reflect on some goofy crap that doesn't need reflection.

What is one thing you are grateful for today?: Nothing really. To whom would I owe the gratitude?

There. That was fun, and quite candid. I'll have to try that again sometime.

I Got Your Ethical Treatment Right Here!

You can feel them...breathing down your neck every time you buy a new belt. You can hear them...pitiful moaning like so many George Romero zombies as soon as you take a bite of your cheeseburger. You can see them...standing by the side of the road speaking into megaphones and looking like a bunch of militant Anthrocon rejects. They are the People Eating Tasty Animals.

No, that's not really what it stands for. It's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: PETA, or "PeTA", as they prefer to spell it. One can infer that ethics is low on their list of priorities from that spelling.

How can I accurately describe PeTA, without resorting to the delicious hyperbole and attacks that I'm saving for later in this post? How about using PeTA's own description, from their website?

PETA believes that animals deserve the most basic rights, consideration of their own best interests regardless of whether they are useful to humans. Like you, they are capable of suffering and have interests in leading their own lives; therefore, they are not ours to use for food, clothing, entertainment, or experimentation, or for any other reason.

MmmHmm. In other words, extreme animal lovers. For a look at what really drives these fellows, perhaps we should take a look at their FAQ, which is typically the most concise part of any given site.

People who support animal rights believe that animals are not ours to use for food, clothing, entertainment, experimentation, or any other purpose and that animals deserve consideration of their best interests regardless of whether they are cute, useful to humans, or endangered and regardless of whether any human cares about them at all...Animals should have the right to equal consideration of their interests. For instance, a dog most certainly has an interest in not having pain inflicted on him or her unnecessarily. We are, therefore, obliged to take that interest into consideration and to respect the dog's right not to have pain unnecessarily inflicted upon him or her.

Okay, so animals are capable of suffering and deserve to live their own lives. No argument from me. In fact, it's a point of view I appreciate more than most. I'd even concede that humans are no "better" than any other animal. But there's one problem: That whole "natural order" thing. Humans are at the top of the food chain, and we should act as such. Wolves don't question the morality of killing a moose. Foxes don't question the morality of killing a rabbit. If you really think you're on the same level as every other animal, why act morally superior? We don't kill animals for fun or to dishonor them...we do it for survival. We get our energy from consuming their flesh.

But that's what I think. And you know...what PeTA thinks is what PeTA thinks. So it's a bunch of people who don't want to eat meat and think that animals should be liberated from all forms of captivity. Weird, but okay. It's all down to individual choices in lifestyle. To each his own. Right?

Everybody is entitled to his or her own opinion, but freedom of thought is not the same thing as freedom of action. You are free to believe whatever you want as long as you don't hurt others. You may believe that animals should be killed, that black people should be enslaved, or that women should be beaten, but you don't always have the right to put your beliefs into practice. The very nature of reform movements is to tell others what to do don't use humans as slaves, don't sexually harass women, etc. and all movements initially encounter opposition from people who want to continue to take part in the criticized behavior.

Oh hell no they didn't...they didn't just compare killing animals for food to American slavery and domestic violence. So this is how they justify it...if you eat meat, you're a spouse-beater and a slave driver, and you should be stopped.

Their FAQ just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along, too...How does PeTA justify the acts of violence and arson committed by the eco-terrorist group Animal Liberation Front (ALF)?

Throughout history, some people have felt the need to break the law to fight injustice. The Underground Railroad and the French Resistance are examples of movements in which people broke the law in order to answer to a higher morality. The ALF, which is simply the name adopted by people who act illegally in behalf of animal rights, breaks inanimate objects such as stereotaxic devices and decapitators in order to save lives. ALF members burn empty buildings in which animals are tortured and killed. ALF raids have given us proof of horrific cruelty that would not have otherwise been discovered or believed and have resulted in criminal charges being filed against laboratories for violations of the Animal Welfare Act. Often, ALF raids have been followed by widespread scientific condemnation of the practices occurring in the targeted labs, and some abusive laboratories have been permanently shut down as a result.

Oh marvelous. Whereas most resistance movements answer to moral absolutes, PeTA has decided to adopt the same tactics to a very relative point of view. Hey everybody, let's go burn down a Red Lobster and SAVE SOME FUCKING CRUSTACEANS!

The best part of PeTA is their preoccupation with vegetarianism and the uber-trendy veganism, which is an extension of vegetarianism in which one doesn't consume meat OR eggs, dairy or any other animal product. Why do they wish to force these points of view on others?

From a moral standpoint, actions that harm others are not matters of personal choice. For example, murder, child abuse, and cruelty to animals are immoral acts, not matters of choice. Today, our society encourages meat-eating and factory farming, but at one time, society also encouraged slavery, child labor, and many other practices that are now universally recognized as wrong

Universally accepted as wrong? Funny, I thought parts of the world still used slavery and child labor.

In case you haven't caught on yet, now this isn't about personal choice. They want to force us all to be scrawny-ass, malnourished vegetarians who wear natural fibers and are into whale-watching. They seriously want to ban meat-eating, apparently hoping humans will start dying of malnutrition.

Studies have also shown that vegetarians have lower cholesterol levels than meat-eaters and are far less likely to die of heart disease or cancer.

Whoa! Stop right there. These people are actually trying to make us believe we'll be healthier if we DON'T eat meat? But I guess if your idea of "healthy" is "deathly and grossly underweight", then yeah, being a vegetarian would make you very healthy indeed.

And everyone is always harping about cholesterol. Fuck cholesterol...that's got nothing on protein deficiency.

The consumption of meat and dairy products has been conclusively linked with diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis, clogged arteries, obesity, asthma, and impotence.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Arthritis? Impotence? I'm surprised no one has linked vegan diets to mental retardation...there's already some evidence for that hypothesis right here. Predictably, no sources are given for these ludicrous claims.

Moving on, this is really precious: "Aren't humans natural carnivores?"

Actually, a vegetarian diet suits the human body better than a diet that includes meat. Carnivorous animals have claws, short digestive tracts, and long, curved fangs. Humans have flat, flexible nails, and our so-called "canine" teeth are minuscule compared to those of carnivores and even compared to vegetarian primates like gorillas and orangutans. Our tiny canine teeth are better suited to biting into fruits than tearing through tough hides. We have flat molars and long digestive tracts that are suited to diets of vegetables, fruits, and grains.

Oh, okay. Our canines are built for biting into fruit. This is one of the dumbest things they've said yet. And last I checked, we're not carnivores OR herbivores, we're OMNIVORES. We have evolved to eat both plants AND meat.

Hey PeTA: For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three. Does that make me a murderer? Does it make me immoral? Does it put me on the same level as Hitler and Stalin? Tough shit.

There's a holocaust on my plate, and it sure is scrumptious. Yum!

Forum Sociology

One of my favorite pastimes for the past five years or so has been internet debate. I argue about anything from theology to cars, politics to fast food, television to morality. I do it deftly and constructively, and have found it to be an excellent mental exercise. I spend much of my time these days teaching others how to debate and put forth their opinion properly, instead of just posting "OMG OMG YUO LUV TEH C OCK!!!!1111" whenever they disagree with others.

In my endeavors, I've learned many things, not the least of which is the diversity of people you encounter on message forums. Yet despite their divergence, they all basically fall into a handful of categories. Most people fit into more than one of the categories, which I'm about to list below. I've even given them my own names.

1. Impalpables: These are the guys who post all throughout the forums, yet you can never remember their usernames after you've logged off of the forums. Sometimes they just don't post often, others are complete "post-whores" that are forgettable simply because they rarely have anything interesting to say. Usually completely lacking in humor, yet at the same time not touchy or confrontational. They're just there. Impalpables make up a large percentage of forumites.

2. Trollers: Okay, I didn't name these guys. Everyone knows what trollers are, as they are the bane of any forum. Trollers post extreme points of view, usually in a forum that they know holds the opposite point of view, in an attempt to see how many people they can rile. For example, they might go onto a pro-choice message board and post "YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF BABY-MURDERING WHORES!", just to see how many people will get angry enough to reply to them. Trollers are typically just bored teenagers.
 
3. Superiorists: These guys are the ones that are too good for everything. These are the ones that reply to threads with comments like "Wow, you have no life", since obviously their turds are laced with gold and what "life" is to you is nothing to them. Or they might say "Man, you must be bored" if you post a long thread, since although it may entertain you, they just want to let you know what you're missing by not being them. These are the same ones who enter long debates and do nothing more than post pictures of retardates with the text "Arguing on the internet is like winning the Special Olympics: Even if you win, you're still retarded", as if there's anyone in the world who hasn't heard that saw 50 million times, and as if it has suddenly become less stupid than it's always been.
 
4. Me toos: Me toos are very quick to offer up their commentary, whether you want it or not. They're often also impalpables, except they hold the distinction of being far more scathing, in a simplistic sort of way. Me toos will often jump into the middle of a long debate and post something like "Wow, there sure is a lot of ignorance on the board tonight", and direct it at no one in particular. Me toos are often also trollers or superiorists, and could post their unwanted commentary either to turn both sides against them or to tell the posters how inferior they are, since they're doing something so crude as arguing.

5. Peacemakers: Peacemakers are similar to superiorists and me toos, but the motive is different. Peacemakers are generally nicer people, they just want to break up the argument so everyone can get along. Peace, brotherhood, and all that rot. It never works, but they're always there to try it again.

6. Link Masters: This is the category I fall into, for the most part. Link masters are people who enter a debate, and then bombard the people they're arguing with with links to back them up. Is someone on an automotive forum saying that you can't hot-rod a Chevrolet 305 V8? Link masters disagree, and then present the person with about ten links to people who have successfully hot-rodded the 305. Link masters aren't very common, but they end arguments quickly.

7. Anecdotals: Anecdotals are the antithesis of the link masters. They believe that you can't successfully argue a point, unless it's something that you have done yourself. If presented with links, these people will respond with something like "You loser. You can talk about what other people have done, but what have you done?", as if any particular person has done everything imaginable, and somehow anecdotal evidence over a message board is irrefutable.

8. Napoleon Bonamods: Or just "Bonamods", for short. Almost all, if not all, forums have at least one Bonamod...a moderator who is impressed with the petty amount of authority he's been given. They often outright troll other users, post very inflammatory responses to anyone who commits a minor infraction like double-posting, and will not hesitate to ban or remove posting priviledges from anyone for very trivial reasons. Bonamods are always male, and are typically very small or even sickly in real life...hence their attitude on the anonymous internet.

9. Alternators: Alternators, so named because tHeY lIkE tO aLtErNaTe CaPs are people who enjoy posting in all sorts of fancy ways. They use crazy multiple colors, often in the same post, and like to make their posts into complicated ASCII artwork, so show everyone how skilled they are in the useless arts. They're usually also impalpables.
 
10. Illiterates: Illiterates are the ones who can't spell, don't know punctuation, use poor grammar, are very touchy, and like to describe things they don't like as being "gay". Trollers are almost invariably illiterates, but not all illiterates are trollers. Some are perfectly normal people....they're just annoying. Sometimes also impalable. You will find illiterates on every forum, without exception.
 
11. Joes: Joes are the "nice guy" regulars who have been going to a particular forum for years, and are often "buddy buddy" with a group of other regulars. They're usually very polite, and often invite new users into their ranks. You will find Joes on every forum that sees heavy usage. Female Joes are stilled called Joes, for the record.
 
12. Egomaniacs: Most people that one argues with online who aren't link masters or anecdotals are egomaniacs. These are the ones who are so afraid to admit when they're wrong that they never will. No matter how many times they encounter logic or even concrete proof that they're wrong, they will continue to argue their closed-minded point of view. They will even resort to bragging about alleged wealth and celebrity status as a way to discredit you. Egomaniacs will always either debate indefinitely (I've seen some on Yahoo forums that have been going on for over six years) or - if enough other forumites begin to laugh at them - they will finally slink away sheepishly.
 
That's all. Twelve groups. Which do you fit in?

Gaming for the New Millenium

Aren't video games great? Here we have a rapidly-growing sector that for the few years has made more money than the movie industry. And now, more than ever, manufacturers are lining up more and more movie-licensed games, off-the-wall ideas, and rehashes of old ideas to cash in on the number of pimply-faced teenagers and nerdy thirtysomethings that spend a gazillion dollars a year on them. Why not join their ranks? Spend your hard-earned cash and get away from your boring-ass life.

Of course, if you do that, you'll need to know what all the hottest new games are, and that's where I fit in. Thanks to my years of experience as a game consumer, I know all the games that will be released in the next few years, much like how an experienced stock broker can flawlessly predict the market.

So without further ado, here's the full list of the top selling games of the next two years:

Timemasters Splitter Dark Code: The Invisible Omega Conspiracy. This futuristic first-person shooter tells the tale of a young federal agent who is caught in the middle of a hidden war between Coca-Cola and Pepsico in the year 2020. Combining dark atmosphere (ie, you can't see the game in the daytime due to glare on your screen) with massive, full 3D environments (every level that isn't in a dark grey warehouse full of pipes is in a dark grey alley full of pipes or a massive luxury apartment, which is dark grey and full of pipes), TSDC: TIOC will provide over 40 hours of continous gameplay, along with 20 hours of CG cutscenes that you can't skip over, featuring nonprofessional actors reading even less professional dialogue.

Gran Turismo 5. Forget the upcoming GT4, let's talk the next game in the series. GT5 will feature over 500 Japanese cars, along with 3 American cars and one model built no one's ever heard of, which is built in Slovakia. It will feature total graphical rehashes of every single track that was in previous games, including the fifth incarnation of Grand Valley Speedway. Bless their hearts, they will still be attempting to incorporate all-important Rally racing into the game, even though nobody played those modes in Gran Turismo 2 or 3 except for a handful of French Citroen enthusiasts. And as we all know, the true measure of a performance car is the ability to go off-road. It will also feature licensed tracks by Radiohead, John Mayer, the Rolling Stones, Beyonce, and other terrible artists that don't at all fit the world of high-speed racing, but sound really impressive because they have high licensing fees.

Need for Speed Underground 3: Ghetto Blaster. The biggest trend in gaming at the moment is the attempt to appeal to riceboy street racers, with no less than five games currently in the works. But here's one you probably don't know about. Ghetto Blaster will focus on the more realistic riceboy culture, rather than the glorified mega-buck magazine cars. It will feature several types of rattle-can primer paint, the ability to fix parts or install speakers using duct tape and bailing wire, a choice of several home-made bodykits made from rain gutters and garden edging, and a choice of thirty different race cars, including the 1989 Hyundai Excel, 1992 Chevrolet Cavalier, 1982 Mustang 4 cylinder, 1998 Ford Escort ZX2, and the ultimate race car...the 1987 Honda Civic DX 4 door.

Grand Theft Auto: Schwanz, Ohio. In still another rehash of the GTA3 game engine to cash in on the Grand Theft Auto name, GTA:SO will feature a hard hitting story of an ex-convinct (who still looks remarkably like Chris Isaak with a Neanderthal brow) moving to the (fictional) town of Schwanz, Ohio and finding it difficult to mend his ways. The game will feature bicycles, jackable earth-moving equipment, gum chewing, and the ability to control your character's bladder and bowel...which will naturally take people's minds off the fact that they're playing a rehash of GTA:3, which will fit perfectly next to its brothers GTA: Vice City and GTA: San Andreas. And like those games, this one will be called revolutionary until people actually play it.

Max Woo. This neo-noir crime thriller follows the story of Max Woo, an Asian cop whose life is torn asunder when some goons kill his parakeet. Features include bad Sam Spade-inspired dialogue, Hong Kong-inpired gunplay, and Steven Segal-inspired "super slow" kung-fu fighting. There's also a "fist time" feature to slow the fighting speed to a crawl, and a "bullet speed" feature that allows you to stare in fascination at numerous accurately modeled bullets flying into plaster walls and leaving accurate holes in them. Also features an "East Coast" soundtrack, whatever that means.

Dri4er: The fourth entry in the Driver franchise will have very few cars at all, despite the title, and will focus almost entirely on running and shooting, with over 80% of the missions devoted to shooting people. The game once again is no longer set in the 1970s, completely without explanation, and the cast is once again completely changed...for the fourth time. Featuring the voices of Lance Henriksen as Tanner, Will Smith as Jones, Tommy Lee Jones as the FBI agent who gets in their way, and Melanie Griffith as some bitch who serves as the villian. Rag-doll physics will be implemented, meaning enemies will fly 40 feet through the air every time you shoot them with a 9mm pistol, and particle effects will be used extensively, meaning sparks and mysterious black chunks fly out of your car every time you run into something.

Grease Pit Monkey Nuts. This whimsical combination of puzzle game and platform shooter will feature lots of cute monkeys with large weapons, some nuts that you have to arrange in a certain order, and incredibly repetitive puzzle game music. Make it through level 999 to finally unlock the special "Deez Nuts" mode, then complete 999 levels of that to unlock the special "Two Nuts" mode. Complete 999 levels of that and you win the game.

John Madden 2006. Sports games have to be re-released every year with "updated rosters", because sports fans don't want to play a game that's two years old and has a guy playing for Dallas that's now playing for San Diego. No, they want to spend another $50 each year to rectify that, so they can have a perfect sports experience. As such, Madden 2006 will be the exact same thing as Madden 2005, but with one or two people on different teams. But the important thing is that every sports fan will buy it, and nobody will ever play Madden 2005 ever again. And when Madden 2007 comes out, nobody will ever play Madden 2006 again either.

Start saving your money now...these games are going to be huge. In fact, you'd best reserve a copy of them right now.

"Find Your Car"...What a Laugh

Recently I've been browsing the popular online car classified sites of Auto Trader and Cars.com, dreaming of the day when I can finally get enough money to replace my tired 240 series Volvo, and in the process I've noticed something interesting. Oh no, not interesting. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah. ANNOYING.

Both of these sites make you select a brand in order to search for a car. Why?

Suppose I want to purchase a General Motors F-body (Chevrolet Camaro and Pontiac Firebird). Does that mean I have to enter all the search criteria for a Camaro, wade through 10 pages of them, then go back and re-enter all the criteria over again just in order to change the make to Pontiac? On these sites...YES IT DOES! Only one real criterion is different, but I have to re-enter every bit of it now. Price range, distance, new or used. It's most frustrating...especially when you're on dial-up.

Or perhaps I want to buy a compact pickup truck. I can't just enter the criteria to only search for a pickup. Oh no. That would be too easy. I have to enter all of my search criteria each time for a Chevrolet, a Dodge, a GMC, a Ford, a Toyota, a Nissan, and a Mazda. And what are the odds I'll forget Isuzu and Mitsubishi? Very good, since they don't even build small trucks anymore. There could be a clean, low mileage '87 Mitsubishi Mighty Max for sale for $800 three miles away from me...but I would never find out, because I couldn't search for all trucks in that price range.

Apparently this is caused by the sheer volume of ingrate fuck-meats who will only buy cars from individual manufacturers, since apparently there are certain car companies that don't actually build good and bad cars just like the rest of them. Or at least that's what these gongs believe. To hell with brand loyalty and everyone who subscribes to it. They can eat cock.

Maybe I'll just go down to the local quick-stop and drop the coin for a printed Trader publication. It may still be organized by make, but I least I won't have to re-enter that goofy search criteria.

Right vs. Left political ads

If you've been watching TV lately, especially any of the news networks, you've probably seen campaign ads for our Democratic and Republican presidential candidates. And, like me, you're probably getting sick of them.

The right wing ads are always an attack on the Democrats. You get a slow motion shot of W. Bush walking with a determined smirk on his monkey-looking face, and then he mysteriously speaks without moving his lips:

I'm George W. Bush. And I approve this message.

I didn't know the Republicans were going so far as to elect ventriloquists now. It's really quite remarkable. Especially not ones that move in slow motion.

Then it gets to the actual ad, which I've reproduced here, verbatim:

John Kerry na na na nanana nana na
John Kerry na na na nanana na na nana
John Kerry na nana nana nana na na nanana
This year, the choice is clear: Somebody other than John Kerry.

On the right side of this, the Democrat ads don't typically attack Bush. Kerry does enough of that in public. No, the typical Democrat ad has droopy-ass Kerry talking and waving his hands about enthusiastically to a group of grinning black people.

Two weeks ago, in the first of a series of speeches, I set out my proposal to legalize eating puppies for dinner. Activists may complain, but a puppy that lives past suppertime should not be put at a competitive disadvantage because a puppy that dies can defer paying its taxes - perhaps forever. That's the law today; in fact, our taxpayers even spend $2 a year to subsidize the export of dogs. If I am President, I will fight to change that law. First - then free in-home enemas to everyone named "Herbert".

Several shots of the crowd smiling and nodding their heads...I mean, come on, they're black. Naturally they'll vote Democrat, no matter what. Or at least that's what the commericial suggests.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the United States of America, I think it's high time to elect a third party president. Really. And you may say that it's throwing your vote away, but everyone else is saying the same thing. Someone has to get us started.

OMG ME = SIENTIST!

Americans don't know jack about science. This is universally known. Like, you know, all over the universe. So despondent am I that the average citizen is ignorant of even the most basic science, I'm going to lecture you on science, because I am a Rennisa...Reson...Rennaisan...dammit, I'm one of those guys who does a lot of stuff. We'll start with Physics 101.

Centrifugal force isn't a force, it's the impression of force created by intertia and tangency. So you take the variable "X", and that's really a letter that fits in between "W" and "Y", and you take the variable "Y", and that's a very good question, because I don't know. But someone does. Therefore, one could postulate that 52 factorial equals a deck of ordinary household playing cards, face up, pick a card. Any card. Is this your card? No? Well I'm new at this trick. What's more: Factors of prime numbers are astronomical, because they have lots of numbers in them, and are therefore clearly a budget. Thus, centrifugal force doesn't exist. Unless you bend time and space.

Bending time and space IS theoretically possible...or if you have a wormhole, keep one end on Earth, and send the other one on a 100 year space flight, when it returns, you'll be able to send stuff back through time from the travelled end to the stationary one. However, bending time and space cannot be possible because the technology isn't there yet. And our atmosphere doesn't have fuel-injection. Therefore, the variable "X" is a train leaving Denver at 9:55 am going 5 mph, and the variable "Y" is a train leaving Denver 9 hours later going 18 times the speed of light. The major question: Which one will reach San Francisco first, and which one will Clint Eastwood board? This proves that wormholes can only collapse when their is no worm in them to give them their shape. So take the worm out and stomp really hard. Use a spade if necessary. Plant seeds and cover. Rinse and repeat. No purchase necessary, unless you are very young and have had a lobotomy. Pets and children welcome. Thusly I pontificate.

There...wasn't that nice? Don't you feel more smarty than you used to? Now go out and cause world peace.

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Murky Depth put the lead back into paint chips!