Let's Go to the Movies!

I know what you're thinking: "Wow! The goat roper actually updated!" Well, I didn't. You're imagining this. Everything you know is a lie.

If you remember a couple of years back (or at least read my archives, since nobody read my blog a couple of years back...then again, I guess no one reads it now, either, but I'll stop this digression now because it's way too much to fit into parentheses) then you probably remember my preview of the upcoming hit video games for the year. And you probably remember when all of those REAL LIFE games came out, too. Well, this year I'm doing it for Hollywood. So hello to...

BIG FUCKING GODDAMN MOVIE PREVIEW 2007 (even though it's still 2006)

The Winds of Concorde: This historical drama, set over the backdrop of the American Revolution, features Josh Hartnett as a British soldier who is stuggling with his duties to the queen and his loyalty to the concept of freedom and his love for this new, struggling country called America. In an attempt to jump start her dramatic career, Jessica Simpson will co-star as his blonde bimbo girlfriend, who wears plenty of cleavage-revealing dresses and works in a tavern where she beats up all the men who hit on her. This film will feature an easily digested, naive view of history, lots of music by Bernard Herman, and plenty of smoke and blood filled battle scenes. There will also be a subplot about slavery, since every film has to have a token black character and also apparently the horrors of slavery haven't been quite milked to death yet by screenwriters.
Rated "PG-13" for violence, innuendo, and an inexplicable random male butt shot.

Chico and The Man: The latest in a neverending stream of old television shows made into half-parody movies, this film will feature Owen Wilson as a young Hispanic who goes to work at a garage owned by cantankerous old mechanic Ed, played by Ben Stiller. The bumbling duo have to overthrow a conspiracy to get the scientific community to deny global warming, and will end on a Hollywood leftist, environmental note when Chico and Ed destroy all the cars that have come to their shop for repairs and replace them all with hybrids. There will also be a subplot glorifying illegal immigration, when Chico is picked up for not having a green card and dumped south of the border, where he buys a coffee can full of blow for 2 cents and gets wasted. This will give an explanation as to why Owen Wilson completely botches the line "Looking GOOOOOD!" the one time its spoken, though it's really because he's bored to be in this crap.
Rated "PG-13" for mild language and drug use. An unrated version on DVD will be basically the same, but with topless women present when Chico does the blow.

Going to the Chapel: A romantic comedy named after a popular song form the 1960s? Who ever would have guessed? A trendy, 30-ish writer (played by David Duchovny, even though he's 15 years too old) living in New York falls in love with a 30-ish dog groomer (played by Marcia Cross, who only passes for 30 because she looks like she's composed of about 80% botox) whom he meets in a singles bar. She pesters and hounds him to "commit" to her, which he doesn't do, but shortly before she married a hunky mountain climber instead (played by some ruggedly handsome guy who actually is 30 and no one has ever heard of), our hero interrupts the wedding, proposes to her, gives her new man a swirlie, then carries her off into the sunset with the entire wedding party applauding.
Rated "PG-13" for no particular reason.

Gallons of Hemoglobin: Yet another "horror" movie about a very human psychotic killer, this one involves a disturbed man (played by Adam Baldwin, the only Baldwin who isn't a Baldwin brother) who traps a diverse group of people in a maze full of hungry, killer housecats. At the same time, he's also hunting them each down with night vision goggles, attempting (and usually succeeding) in beating them each to death with a Chia Pet. At the same, he's being tracked down by a dedicated but hard-drinking divorced cop (played by Don Johnson, attempting to make a comeback).
Rated "R" for amazing realistic blood and gore, and lots of it. Also some boobs.

Gen 13: Yet another comic book turned into a film, this one features a who's-who cast of hot young celebrities (read: people who have been on Smallville) as the no-longer relevant "Gen 13" team of superheroes, from the then-hip, mid-'90s series of graphic novels by Image Comics. Lots of special effects, spandex, and a cliched, convoluted story full of plenty of braindead intrigue.
Rated "PG-13" for innuendo, language, mild violence, and an amusing anecdote from Grunge about how he once tried to date rape a drunk girl and accidentally molecularly bonded with her, causing him to turn into a giant vagina. You just can't give that a "PG."

BioDome 2: Oh yeah, it's happening. After Basic Instinct 2 and Big Momma's House 2, anything can happen. Plus, Pauly Shore needs work. Stephen Baldwin would probably do it, too, just as long as Jesus is mentioned a lot in the script.
Rated....errr...well, whatever the first one was rated.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Company: Tired of World War II yet? No? Me neither! This Tom Hanks-produced war drama is the extremely accurate (a lot of genuine antiques were used - and destroyed - making it) portrayal of a group of ordinary soldiers dropped behind enemy lines, fighting their way across Axis-controlled territory in an attempt to destroy a giant rail-gun. Leading them is tough-as-nails Sgt. Cracker, surprisingly played by Tom Hanks. The rest of the ensemble cast of young blonde actors who all look and sound alike and can't be told apart generally spend the movie arguing and pointing their weapons at each other in tense, inter-company standoffs that would never actually happen in a war.
Rated "R" for buckets of gore and entrails flying about, rendered in both CG and practical effects with a loving level of detail.

So there you have it. The lineup of all the year's biggest hits. Be sure to see them in the theaters, since Hollywood is so much in the red right now.

Sonnet to a Disco-Era American Car Seen at a Car Show

But hark! What shape is yonder copper boat?
And if it be the owner's will to sell,
Will green paper release it from his dote,
Or angrily will he curse me to hell?

Seventy-six to seventy-eight it is,
Excellent years for the Grand Marquis.
Nay, but no car can tear my eyes from this,
One of the finest two-door Mercuries.

Though I can but see the back of this ride,
Blocked by a Sherbet Pearl monstrosity,
Only but from the back passenger's side,
The rest of it's glory I need not see.

Despite my desire for a car as such,
The owner probably wants too damn much.

-----------------------------------------

Yeah, so I haven't updated in a couple of months, so I figured I'd throw some pointless pretentious poetry at you (how's that for alliteration?). This piece was inspired by a picture I saw on Ricecop's Rice or Not of a really ugly pink street rod (mentioned here as the "Sherbet Pearl monstrosity"). The sonnet is about wanting to see more of the copper-colored '70s-vintage Mercury behind it, and how I'm a hopelessly weird enthusiast for liking such a looked-down-upon vehicle.

See you next month, assuming I have an actual topic to write about.

What Ever Happened to Cheech and Chong?

I'm really getting damn tired of the constant whining of illegal aliens.

Once upon time, they didn't personally bother me. I recognized illegal immigration as a legitimate problem, but I didn't blame the illegals themselves for wanting to come here. Well, now I do. After weeks of bitching and one laughably non-effective "boycott", I've determined that every one of these people is a raging asshole, and the people who support them are not only small-minded, but racists as well.

Oh yeah. I said it.

What's the first thing you hear out of the mouths of pro-illegals? "They do the jobs that white people can't do." No, that's not racism at all!

Here's the one I'm getting damn sick of. "They do jobs that Americans don't want to do." Because obviously all Americans live in the suburbs, make a yearly salary, and work white collar jobs in cubicles. I just saw on Anderson Cooper 360 recently a story about aliens working on a farm in California making $8.95 an hour. Here's where this pisses me off: I MAKE $6.50 AN HOUR. And it took me two years of unemployment to get lucky enough to find this job. You want to find Americans willing to work hard jobs for next to no wage? Look no further than the South.

What's just as bothersome to me are all the legal immigrants joining in the protests. Hey, legals: NOBODY HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOU. THIS IS NOT AN ANTI-HISPANIC THING, IT'S A FOLLOW-THE-FUCKING-RULES-AND-IMMIGRATE-HERE-LEGALLY-BECAUSE-YOU'RE-NOT-TOO-SPECIAL-TO-DO-SO THING. They keep saying "We're all immigrants!" No, just you are immigrants. The illegal immigrants are aliens. And at this rate, neither of you are making friends.

The nationwide marches yesterday attracted literally millions of people. I can't believe people are getting so bent out of shape about our country trying to control it's growth and unemployment rate. If only people would get this worked-up over Bush's shoddy job as president, or the war in Iraq. But no, they'd rather spend their time arguing their retarded-ass racist views, or protesting the removal of a religious symbol in a public courthouse.

This is why we're all fucked.

Pugnacious Kerfuffle's Revenge

--Enough of this crap about Dana Reeve already. We lost Darren McGavin and Dennis Weaver mere days prior, and both of them barely got a mention. But the news spent at least one entire day talking about this broad. What did she do? WHAT DID SHE DO? She was a housewife who did some charity work, that's all. Don't mourn her just because she was married to a self-important crippled guy.


--So Isaac Hayes is quitting South Park as the voice of "Chef", and I'm pretty pissed about it. Hayes is a Scientologist, and apparently got all upset over last November's episode lampooning Scientology (one of the best episodes ever, IMO), saying that co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone had crossed the line into "bigotry and intolerance". This is very confusing. He never complained about their ribbing of other religions, but as soon as they make fun of his he feels the sting. He expects a double-standard between his religion and all others. Is that not "bigotry and intolerance"? Besides, the episode didn't really knock Scientologists themselves, in fact it seemed pretty sympathetic towards them. It merely called Scientology a "global scam" and explained what Scientologists actually believe, which is something that Scientologists don't want outsiders to know, mainly because of how fucking stupid it all is. Maybe it was the revelation of the tenets of Scientology that REALLY made Hayes quit.

In any case, so long, Chef.


--I just watched Good Night, and Good Luck last night, and I was very impressed by it. Films like that seem so subversive now, and for good reason. Our country has now entered into another McCarthy era, where dissent of opinion is likened to disloyalty to the country. Hell, Bush even said once "You're either with us or against us." In that case, Georgie, I'm against you.

We need more Murrows now, but I think the way broadcast news works today it's not going to happen. The corporate owners of the media outlets would never allow it on the air, not for an instant, and everyone is terrified of sponsors pulling out of news programs. How can CNN broadcast without sponsorship from Ameritrade? Whatever would they do?

There are a few out there who aren't afraid to speak their minds (Bill Maher immediately comes to mind), but these people are primarily comedians and columnists, not purveyors of the news. That's where the bloggers come in. Not guys like me, I'm just some asshole who shoots off on subjects that bother him and makes goofy observations of daily life and hopes that maybe someday more than three people will regularly read it all. I'm referring to the actual news blogs, provided you can find one that doesn't proudly proclaim itself as having a right or left wing bias. I think there's a new medium of reliable information, and I think it's far beyond the reach of government influence.

At least I hope it is.

Marriage Can Kiss My Ass

I'm really getting tired of this "sanctity of marriage" malarkey that's being thrown this way and that in the media these days. Every other TV show or movie is about an "emotional coward" with a "fear of commitment", like this "commitment" thing is something we all secretly aspire to but some of us just don't want to admit it.

Okay, so some assholes get married, and they want other people to get married, too. They give a lot of reasons for this. What are these reasons?

1. Married people have better health than unmarried people.
Oh, I see. So marriage is magical. If you get a blood test and a slip of paper and get almost irreversably financially tied to another person, that will make you healthier. This is exactly why common sense should sometimes take presidence over statistics.

2. Married individuals have lower rates of alcoholism than their unmarried counterparts because they tend to offer encouragement, support, and protection from daily problems that could otherwise lead them to using alcohol and other drugs.
And they can also provide reasons for alcohol abuse by generally being a pain in the ass. By the way, be sure to rattle this statistic off to that woman whose husband beats the shit out of her every time he's drunk. Or I should say those women. There are plenty to choose from.

3. Married men and women have lower suicide rates than unmarried ones because married people have meaningful social networks of friends and relatives. Meaningful relationships give people a sense of personal value and a feeling of responsibility to others.
Ah, I see. And you have to be married for that. You have to have that blood test and that slip of paper and the woman has to change her last name in order that you don't kill yourself. Besides, am I the only person left on Earth whose personal value is not based on how many other people I know?

4. Married individuals tend to have stronger immune systems, making them less likely to catch colds and develop other illnesses than unmarried ones.
I'm not kidding, I actually read this bullshit in a pro-marriage article. So being married turns you into Superman. You become the complete opposite of an AIDS patient. Hey, maybe AIDS patients should all get married! EUREKA! I've just found the cure for AIDS!

5. Marriage tends to make individuals to be more motivated to do well at work.
Yeah, because your spouse is a selfish fucker and you have to make plenty of money to keep him/her satisfied with material possessions.

6. Married persons are less likely to be lonely because they always have someone to share their thoughts, feelings, and lives with.
Because it's not like cohabitated couples can do that or anything.

7. Married couples have sex more often and enjoy it more physically and emotionally than their unmarried counterparts.
More often? Yeah, probably. Enjoy it more? I'm going to have to answer "like hell" on that one. I'll guarantee if statistical information was gathered about which women are more likely to fake orgasms, married women would probably own that dubious distinction.

8. Married couples have higher incomes than single men and women.
Yeah. And they have to share it with each other.

9. The most valued and beautiful of all human relationships and a fundamental social institution which is central to the nurture and raising of children.
Since when? When I was a kid, all of the most fucked up kids I knew were the products of married households, while some of the most well-adjusted had not only unmarried, but single parents. Granted, I had married parents throughout my childhood, but I think that just goes to show that not all people benefit from the same environment. Besides, what about folks like me, the proudly child-free?

10. A strong commitment to marriage is therefore fundamental to the health and stability of any home, community or nation.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe such a legal bond is beneficial for some people (fuck if I know why), but it's ridiculous to assume that it is fundamental to the health of ANY home. There is nothing as small-minded as assuming that everyone has the same goals that you do.

I thought about coming up with my list of ten reasons to stay single or cohabitate, but that last bit reminded me otherwise. If you're already single, you already know the benefits. If you already cohabitate, you already know about the benefits of that, too. If you are already married or for whatever reason really want to reach that status, then you likely don't care. As for me, I'm a happy single person and will likely stay this way for some time (and if I ever do lose my single status, it won't involve marriage). I just can't bring myself to throw away my individuality just so I can become psychologically dependent on another person and somehow act like I'm "fullfilled" as a result.

Plus, it gives me an excuse to eat alone in restaurants and walk by myself through the supermarket with my head held high. Yes, I'm single and no, I don't want your life. So there.