Thursday, February 23, 2006

Marriage Can Kiss My Ass 

I'm really getting tired of this "sanctity of marriage" malarkey that's being thrown this way and that in the media these days. Every other TV show or movie is about an "emotional coward" with a "fear of commitment", like this "commitment" thing is something we all secretly aspire to but some of us just don't want to admit it.

Okay, so some assholes get married, and they want other people to get married, too. They give a lot of reasons for this. What are these reasons?

1. Married people have better health than unmarried people.
Oh, I see. So marriage is magical. If you get a blood test and a slip of paper and get almost irreversably financially tied to another person, that will make you healthier. This is exactly why common sense should sometimes take presidence over statistics.

2. Married individuals have lower rates of alcoholism than their unmarried counterparts because they tend to offer encouragement, support, and protection from daily problems that could otherwise lead them to using alcohol and other drugs.
And they can also provide reasons for alcohol abuse by generally being a pain in the ass. By the way, be sure to rattle this statistic off to that woman whose husband beats the shit out of her every time he's drunk. Or I should say those women. There are plenty to choose from.

3. Married men and women have lower suicide rates than unmarried ones because married people have meaningful social networks of friends and relatives. Meaningful relationships give people a sense of personal value and a feeling of responsibility to others.
Ah, I see. And you have to be married for that. You have to have that blood test and that slip of paper and the woman has to change her last name in order that you don't kill yourself. Besides, am I the only person left on Earth whose personal value is not based on how many other people I know?

4. Married individuals tend to have stronger immune systems, making them less likely to catch colds and develop other illnesses than unmarried ones.
I'm not kidding, I actually read this bullshit in a pro-marriage article. So being married turns you into Superman. You become the complete opposite of an AIDS patient. Hey, maybe AIDS patients should all get married! EUREKA! I've just found the cure for AIDS!

5. Marriage tends to make individuals to be more motivated to do well at work.
Yeah, because your spouse is a selfish fucker and you have to make plenty of money to keep him/her satisfied with material possessions.

6. Married persons are less likely to be lonely because they always have someone to share their thoughts, feelings, and lives with.
Because it's not like cohabitated couples can do that or anything.

7. Married couples have sex more often and enjoy it more physically and emotionally than their unmarried counterparts.
More often? Yeah, probably. Enjoy it more? I'm going to have to answer "like hell" on that one. I'll guarantee if statistical information was gathered about which women are more likely to fake orgasms, married women would probably own that dubious distinction.

8. Married couples have higher incomes than single men and women.
Yeah. And they have to share it with each other.

9. The most valued and beautiful of all human relationships and a fundamental social institution which is central to the nurture and raising of children.
Since when? When I was a kid, all of the most fucked up kids I knew were the products of married households, while some of the most well-adjusted had not only unmarried, but single parents. Granted, I had married parents throughout my childhood, but I think that just goes to show that not all people benefit from the same environment. Besides, what about folks like me, the proudly child-free?

10. A strong commitment to marriage is therefore fundamental to the health and stability of any home, community or nation.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe such a legal bond is beneficial for some people (fuck if I know why), but it's ridiculous to assume that it is fundamental to the health of ANY home. There is nothing as small-minded as assuming that everyone has the same goals that you do.

I thought about coming up with my list of ten reasons to stay single or cohabitate, but that last bit reminded me otherwise. If you're already single, you already know the benefits. If you already cohabitate, you already know about the benefits of that, too. If you are already married or for whatever reason really want to reach that status, then you likely don't care. As for me, I'm a happy single person and will likely stay this way for some time (and if I ever do lose my single status, it won't involve marriage). I just can't bring myself to throw away my individuality just so I can become psychologically dependent on another person and somehow act like I'm "fullfilled" as a result.

Plus, it gives me an excuse to eat alone in restaurants and walk by myself through the supermarket with my head held high. Yes, I'm single and no, I don't want your life. So there.

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