Thursday, November 23, 2006

Let's Go to the Movies! 

I know what you're thinking: "Wow! The goat roper actually updated!" Well, I didn't. You're imagining this. Everything you know is a lie.

If you remember a couple of years back (or at least read my archives, since nobody read my blog a couple of years back...then again, I guess no one reads it now, either, but I'll stop this digression now because it's way too much to fit into parentheses) then you probably remember my preview of the upcoming hit video games for the year. And you probably remember when all of those REAL LIFE games came out, too. Well, this year I'm doing it for Hollywood. So hello to...

BIG FUCKING GODDAMN MOVIE PREVIEW 2007 (even though it's still 2006)

The Winds of Concorde: This historical drama, set over the backdrop of the American Revolution, features Josh Hartnett as a British soldier who is stuggling with his duties to the queen and his loyalty to the concept of freedom and his love for this new, struggling country called America. In an attempt to jump start her dramatic career, Jessica Simpson will co-star as his blonde bimbo girlfriend, who wears plenty of cleavage-revealing dresses and works in a tavern where she beats up all the men who hit on her. This film will feature an easily digested, naive view of history, lots of music by Bernard Herman, and plenty of smoke and blood filled battle scenes. There will also be a subplot about slavery, since every film has to have a token black character and also apparently the horrors of slavery haven't been quite milked to death yet by screenwriters.
Rated "PG-13" for violence, innuendo, and an inexplicable random male butt shot.

Chico and The Man: The latest in a neverending stream of old television shows made into half-parody movies, this film will feature Owen Wilson as a young Hispanic who goes to work at a garage owned by cantankerous old mechanic Ed, played by Ben Stiller. The bumbling duo have to overthrow a conspiracy to get the scientific community to deny global warming, and will end on a Hollywood leftist, environmental note when Chico and Ed destroy all the cars that have come to their shop for repairs and replace them all with hybrids. There will also be a subplot glorifying illegal immigration, when Chico is picked up for not having a green card and dumped south of the border, where he buys a coffee can full of blow for 2 cents and gets wasted. This will give an explanation as to why Owen Wilson completely botches the line "Looking GOOOOOD!" the one time its spoken, though it's really because he's bored to be in this crap.
Rated "PG-13" for mild language and drug use. An unrated version on DVD will be basically the same, but with topless women present when Chico does the blow.

Going to the Chapel: A romantic comedy named after a popular song form the 1960s? Who ever would have guessed? A trendy, 30-ish writer (played by David Duchovny, even though he's 15 years too old) living in New York falls in love with a 30-ish dog groomer (played by Marcia Cross, who only passes for 30 because she looks like she's composed of about 80% botox) whom he meets in a singles bar. She pesters and hounds him to "commit" to her, which he doesn't do, but shortly before she married a hunky mountain climber instead (played by some ruggedly handsome guy who actually is 30 and no one has ever heard of), our hero interrupts the wedding, proposes to her, gives her new man a swirlie, then carries her off into the sunset with the entire wedding party applauding.
Rated "PG-13" for no particular reason.

Gallons of Hemoglobin: Yet another "horror" movie about a very human psychotic killer, this one involves a disturbed man (played by Adam Baldwin, the only Baldwin who isn't a Baldwin brother) who traps a diverse group of people in a maze full of hungry, killer housecats. At the same time, he's also hunting them each down with night vision goggles, attempting (and usually succeeding) in beating them each to death with a Chia Pet. At the same, he's being tracked down by a dedicated but hard-drinking divorced cop (played by Don Johnson, attempting to make a comeback).
Rated "R" for amazing realistic blood and gore, and lots of it. Also some boobs.

Gen 13: Yet another comic book turned into a film, this one features a who's-who cast of hot young celebrities (read: people who have been on Smallville) as the no-longer relevant "Gen 13" team of superheroes, from the then-hip, mid-'90s series of graphic novels by Image Comics. Lots of special effects, spandex, and a cliched, convoluted story full of plenty of braindead intrigue.
Rated "PG-13" for innuendo, language, mild violence, and an amusing anecdote from Grunge about how he once tried to date rape a drunk girl and accidentally molecularly bonded with her, causing him to turn into a giant vagina. You just can't give that a "PG."

BioDome 2: Oh yeah, it's happening. After Basic Instinct 2 and Big Momma's House 2, anything can happen. Plus, Pauly Shore needs work. Stephen Baldwin would probably do it, too, just as long as Jesus is mentioned a lot in the script.
Rated....errr...well, whatever the first one was rated.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Company: Tired of World War II yet? No? Me neither! This Tom Hanks-produced war drama is the extremely accurate (a lot of genuine antiques were used - and destroyed - making it) portrayal of a group of ordinary soldiers dropped behind enemy lines, fighting their way across Axis-controlled territory in an attempt to destroy a giant rail-gun. Leading them is tough-as-nails Sgt. Cracker, surprisingly played by Tom Hanks. The rest of the ensemble cast of young blonde actors who all look and sound alike and can't be told apart generally spend the movie arguing and pointing their weapons at each other in tense, inter-company standoffs that would never actually happen in a war.
Rated "R" for buckets of gore and entrails flying about, rendered in both CG and practical effects with a loving level of detail.

So there you have it. The lineup of all the year's biggest hits. Be sure to see them in the theaters, since Hollywood is so much in the red right now.

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