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Saturday, June 26, 2004

Right vs. Left political ads 

If you've been watching TV lately, especially any of the news networks, you've probably seen campaign ads for our Democratic and Republican presidential candidates. And, like me, you're probably getting sick of them.

The right wing ads are always an attack on the Democrats. You get a slow motion shot of W. Bush walking with a determined smirk on his monkey-looking face, and then he mysteriously speaks without moving his lips:

I'm George W. Bush. And I approve this message.


I didn't know the Republicans were going so far as to elect ventriloquists now. It's really quite remarkable. Especially not ones that move in slow motion.

Then it gets to the actual ad, which I've reproduced here, verbatim:

John Kerry na na na nanana nana na
John Kerry na na na nanana na na nana
John Kerry na nana nana nana na na nanana
This year, the choice is clear: Somebody other than John Kerry.


On the right side of this, the Democrat ads don't typically attack Bush. Kerry does enough of that in public. No, the typical Democrat ad has droopy-ass Kerry talking and waving his hands about enthusiastically to a group of grinning black people.

Two weeks ago, in the first of a series of speeches, I set out my proposal to legalize eating puppies for dinner. Activists may complain, but a puppy that lives past suppertime should not be put at a competitive disadvantage because a puppy that dies can defer paying its taxes - perhaps forever. That's the law today; in fact, our taxpayers even spend $2 a year to subsidize the export of dogs. If I am President, I will fight to change that law. First - then free in-home enemas to everyone named "Herbert".


Several shots of the crowd smiling and nodding their heads...I mean, come on, they're black. Naturally they'll vote Democrat, no matter what. Or at least that's what the commericial suggests.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the United States of America, I think it's high time to elect a third party president. Really. And you may say that it's throwing your vote away, but everyone else is saying the same thing. Someone has to get us started.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

OMG ME = SIENTIST! 

Americans don't know jack about science. This is universally known. Like, you know, all over the universe. So despondent am I that the average citizen is ignorant of even the most basic science, I'm going to lecture you on science, because I am a Rennisa...Reson...Rennaisan...dammit, I'm one of those guys who does a lot of stuff. We'll start with Physics 101.

Centrifugal force isn't a force, it's the impression of force created by intertia and tangency. So you take the variable "X", and that's really a letter that fits in between "W" and "Y", and you take the variable "Y", and that's a very good question, because I don't know. But someone does. Therefore, one could postulate that 52 factorial equals a deck of ordinary household playing cards, face up, pick a card. Any card. Is this your card? No? Well I'm new at this trick. What's more: Factors of prime numbers are astronomical, because they have lots of numbers in them, and are therefore clearly a budget. Thus, centrifugal force doesn't exist. Unless you bend time and space.

Bending time and space IS theoretically possible...or if you have a wormhole, keep one end on Earth, and send the other one on a 100 year space flight, when it returns, you'll be able to send stuff back through time from the travelled end to the stationary one. However, bending time and space cannot be possible because the technology isn't there yet. And our atmosphere doesn't have fuel-injection. Therefore, the variable "X" is a train leaving Denver at 9:55 am going 5 mph, and the variable "Y" is a train leaving Denver 9 hours later going 18 times the speed of light. The major question: Which one will reach San Francisco first, and which one will Clint Eastwood board? This proves that wormholes can only collapse when their is no worm in them to give them their shape. So take the worm out and stomp really hard. Use a spade if necessary. Plant seeds and cover. Rinse and repeat. No purchase necessary, unless you are very young and have had a lobotomy. Pets and children welcome. Thusly I pontificate.

There...wasn't that nice? Don't you feel more smarty than you used to? Now go out and cause world peace.

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Murky Depth put the lead back into paint chips!

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