Thursday, November 11, 2004

Surviving the Apocalypse 

Before you infer too much from the title, no, this isn't about Bush's re-election. This is about the real apocalypse. The big one.

Forget everything you know about apocalypses that you learned from the last book inside that big book that Christians read. That's not what the apocalypse will be like. No broken seals, no guys on horses, none of that. The real thing will be about four things: Fast driving, destruction, gunfire, and desert scenery. See, rather than religious text, I have decades worth of futuristic B-movies to back my shit up. So I know exactly what will happen, and what one can expect to see. Rub some grease in your hair, change your cars' oil, saw off a double barrel, and join me on my journey into...THE FUTURE!

Waitaminute! That's not Mel Gibson! Who the fuck is Michael Praed?

The Big Bomb: Some country or another dropped the big bomb. Some say it's Russia. Some say it's China. In most variations of the story (ahem...movies), the United States is responsible. After all, we're responsible for everything. In any case, whoever did it, it's usually because of the cliche "lack of oil" in the future. You know, we've been "this close" to running out of it for fifty years now, so it's going to happen eventually. And when it does...OH BOY! Somebody drops the bomb, and although the environment doesn't seem to heavily damaged by it, or the surviving people, it fucks everything up. Mean old bomb. And it either makes the whole world into a desert, or it causes everyone to move to the desert, because that's where the movie will take place.

The Stoic Hero: No matter what problem comes up in the future, an attractive thirtyish man with a broken past and lots of leather will show up to sort everything out. He will then disappear, never to be seen again. But not before stealing a kiss from the princess of the tribe he's helping. I did mention it will be a tribal culture, right? I didn't? Well, now you know.

The Biker Gang(s): This is absolutely, positively, 100% going to happen. I know this because all the movies have them. The wasteland of the future will be overrun with lots of marauding bikers riding dirt bikes. Most of them look like 1980s punk rock rejects, and they have no conscience whatsoever. We're talking about guys who eat puppies. They usually like to catch someone from the tribe and torture and humiliate him/her repeatedly, all while laughing evil maniacal laughs. The stoic hero will kick their asses, though.

The Shantytown: This is quite often where the tribe is currently living, or maybe where an evil dictator is holding their people/water/fuel hostage. It's a settlement of ruffians who drink and consort a lot, and lots of people get killed there on a regular basis. Think Tombstone, Arizona, in its heyday. In any case, the town is usually built around either mining or production of fuel. Somehow, both of these activities involve digging an endless pit. It will show the pit at least once: a dark, dirty place with lots of chains hanging from the ceiling and men in tanktops and suspenders digging all over the place. Every once in a while, a big flame will - FWOOOOOSH! - shoot out of nowhere in the middle of the men...indicating, of course, that it's a hot environment. For play (apart from drinking and screwing), the entire town usually gathers in a big arena to watch people beat the shit out of each other in a fight to the death. If the town is ruled by the aforementioned dictator, our stoic hero will have to fight here. Naturally, he'll kick some ass.

A typical resident of THE FUTURE. You'll be seeing more of this guy. Soon. Like, in the future.

Car Chases, Motorcycle Chases, Truck Chases, etc.: Fast old cars with beefed up running gear and suspensions will have lots of intimidating-looking scoops, bars, and metal skulls welded to them, and will be painted all black. Evil marauders (who may or may not be involved with a marauding motorcycle gang) will try to attack our stoic hero, who either drives a similar vehicle or a motorcycle. There are crashes and explosions and more excitement than you can shake the Excitement Stickā„¢ at. Better sharpen your driving skills and fill up with 93 octane...the future is all about chases.

Strange Trends in Fashion: You'll see it all...women who wear football helmets and shoulder pads covered in white feathers, men in fur coats, men in tight leather get-ups that must have been purchased from "Gays R Us", and some of the goofiest haircuts in the world. The men in leather will have mohawks, the men in fur coats will be totally bald, and everyone else will have floofy '80s hair. Ever see the 1988 remake of The Blob? Remember Kevin Dillon's hair? Yeah, that kind of hair.

Old Economy Cars Made to Look Tough: These deserves a section all its own, because you'll always see them. Pintos with 8-71 blowers sticking through the hoods. Pacers with cut-off roofs and Jeep style rollbars. Vegas converted into 4x4s. Volkswagens with lots of spikes welded to them. Every time.

The Bad-Assed Little Kid: There will naturally be a child to evoke sympathy. But children of the future are pretty tough bastards. They don't speak, they carry huge weapons, and they can whip some serious booty. The stoic hero will befriend one, and the kid will help him out time and time again.

The Promised Land: It might not be called that exactly, but there's always some mythical place where everything is A-OK and civilization is rebuilding itself. Milk and honey, and all that rot. Although the characters will often speak of it (and there will be at least one prominent member of the prominently featured tribe that dreams of going there some day, only to get killed before he/she has the chance), we the viewer never see it. Just as you won't see it in real life. Still, you need to know it will exist, so you can talk about it when this crap finally happens.

So there you go. Now that you know what will happen, you can't complain when you get raped by marauding motorcycle gangs or get annoyed at the goofy little kid who wants the music box you carry in your pocket.

You don't carry a music box? Oh you will. Believe me, you will. You see, in the future...

The future will really amount to an ultra-groovy deathmatch on wheels. Hell yeah!

Huzzah! You sir have done some good work. An excellent theory, this B-movie theory. Very esoteric in a po-mo, retro-hip kind of way.

I have spent most of today examining the work of my fellow watchers and this is one of the finest entries I have come across.

Furthermore, Huzzah again!

Matteus Von Mustard
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