Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Suburbanites Suck 

I hate Leave it to Beaver. It's the single most pussified, non-threatening T.V. show in existence. How did it ever get made, even in the stuffed-shirt 1950s? I've seen edgier stuff on the Disney channel. Or I would, if I actually watched the Disney channel. Let me quell those rumors before they start. And another: I don't have a pock mark in the exact same shape as James Remar. Don't believe what you hear.

So anyway you have this kid named "Beaver" (a sure testament to the show's innocence), and he wanders his extra-chromosomed, buck-toothed ass around and does stupid things, then "learns his lesson". All while his parents sit around and act like 40 year old virgins. Isn't that precious? Couldn't you just barf?

I don't know what's scarier: Watching a minute of Leave it to Beaver, or actually visiting real-life suburbs. Real suburbs are SO much like that show, at least on the outside. We all know that behind every door is a drunken lout spouse beater, and her abused husband. Half of the houses are full of crack addicts laying on mattresses and laughing hysterically at the roaches crawling on the Cocoa Krispies they spilled on the floor three days ago. But outwardly, the suburbs are just so...wholesome. Every house is no more than 10 feet from the house next door. Little pink flamingos outside of reflecting pools. Basketball hoops over garage doors. Ford Windstars with huge American flag stickers on the liftgates. Groups of children stoned on ritalin counting the blades of grass in the crack house lawn. How can anyone tolerate it?

What's even worse is "zoning". Miss a few days mowing your lawn? One of the neighbors will complain to authorities, because you're making their houses depreciate. This is completely screwed for two reasons: For one thing they typically have no plans to sell their houses. But even more importantly, can you actually imagine the following from someone buying a house?

"Well, gee, Mr. Nelson, it's a really nice house for $150,000 and all, but that guy 4 houses down has some pretty high grass. Sooo...the most I can offer is $120,000. Take it or leave it."

Of course you can't. But nevertheless, "zoning laws" are a reality, and they're often thrown at people who don't cut their grass or have a non-running vehicle parked in the yard. Maybe this is why suburbanites so often back Bush; they're used to having no freedom.

Now I feel every bit as bad for the urban people, the ones who don't have yards and literally have other people living right above them. But at least they're hedonistic. That ups the charisma factor a bit.

If you live in the suburbs and aren't like this, feel free to let me know. I'd like to know they aren't all black holes. And you've got to believe me about the Disney channel. I don't watch it. Really.

Hell on Earth

You know, I actually watched an episode of Beaver the other night. I couldn't sleep and I was channel surfing...

I honestly had never watched it before. Holy moly...life back then wasn't REALLY like that, was it??


Made me wanna shoot myself.

- Jen
Nah...the 1950s were actually marked by McCarthyism and a huge boom in youth gangs. Let's face it, those aren't things you'd normally see sitcoms about. Then again, that's what they said about Hogan's Heros, too.
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