Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Mysterious Munchies 

On one of my numerous trips to the Shell station on Highway 19 a couple of months ago, I came upon a delectable treat that has since taken control of my entire life: Cheddar Munchies.

Munchies (probably so named because they're the number one thing craved by stoners) is a sort of snack mix by Frito Lay, containing Rold Gold pretzels, hard slices of bagel, and some sort of Quaker's cereal, among other little goodies. They come in Classic, Traditional, Hot and Spicy, and the coup de snack, Cheddar.

Perhaps I'll never know why those evil Frito Lay bastards have unceremoniously unleashed Cheddar Munchies on an unsuspecting world (that's a lot "un"s). But they did, and the Munchies are out there. You've probably seen them a million times with the snack food in gas stations, Wal*Marts, and grocery stores. You'll continue to overlook them until finally you pick up a bag out of boredom...and suddenly you've become a slave to Frito Lay, consuming their addictive poison and buying bag after bag, shoving one tangy, cheddar powder-covered handful after another into your mouth until there is none left then attempting to fight off the urge to immediately open another bag. But it's a fruitless endeavor...Frito Lay has branded you. In those small orange bags is a substance ten times more addictive than heroin, and you cannot stop.

I'm thinking of taking a bag off to some secret lab to have them analyzed. Of course, I'd have to find a secret lab first, and that couldn't be easy, since they're secret. Maybe by chance I'll stumble upon one. Then I can truly find out what it is in Munchies that makes them so...good. Yummy cheddar, crunch, salty pretzel, sweet Quaker squares...mmmmmm....Oh, I'm sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Munchies.

I never eat anything but the Cheddar variety (I'm not yet willing to sell my soul completely to this dastardly corporation), but I often wonder is someone having similar problems with one of the other varieties...is there some guy in Ohio or somewhere whose fingers are perpetually covered in Hot & Spicy flavoring, and his pantry full of nothing but little red bags? It's a truly frightening thought. Or is it?

After all, they taste good, and what could be better than a good-tasting snack? I mean, it's certainly better than a bad-tasting snack. And I'm certainly happy when I'm feeding upon my supply of Cheddar Munchies, and will likely remain so until the FDA outlaws it. I'm starting to think if everyone ate Munchies, the world would be a better place. Munchies are abundant with carbohydrates, so everyone would forget about those dumbass "low-carb" diets, and they would actually have the energy (which you get from carbs) to go to the store and buy more of them. And if they got desperate enough, they could actually RUN to the store, contributing to the active lifestyle that carbs require and that everyone should have.

Don't mind that puncture wound on the back of your neck, or those strange green pods in your closet. Go buy a bag of Munchies. Choose your own flavor. We're all happier now....

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