As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the only thing my town has that's even close to a good rock station...93.5 "The Buzz". Today, however, instead of hearing the same few songs by Rush and Ozzy Osbourne, they're having a cancer drive. "Fuck Cancer in the Ass", or something like that. I mean why should I remember the dumbass name they've given it?
Here's how it goes...the DJ (who takes remarkably loud breaths while he's talking) says:
"We're here in the center court of Bonita Lakes Mall, and we've got chairs set up everywhere -GASP!- where you can sit and watch us as we try to beat cancer. I mean, lots of people have cancer, and I know I'm a high risk for cancer -GASP!- and right now we're raising for FIVE KIDS who have cancer. That's five little children who might not have a chance otherwise to live, -GASP!-and you'll be giving them a chance to fulfill their dreams. All kids should have dreams, whether it's getting their first car, going to high school, going to college, having kids of their own, and you'll be helping to -GASP!- fulfill these dreams. And we're SO CLOSE, if you could just donate some of your money to the American Cancer Society, -GASP!- just to show you care. Even if you say that you don't have enough money now, anything helps. -GASP!- Five dollars -GASP!. Five dollars is all you have to give. If five people give five dollars, that's 25 dollars. Think of how much that could help. -GASP!- And I know that you think that cancer is one of those things that just doesn't effect Mississippi, but we have 33,000 deaths a year from cancer, most of those caused by secondhand smoke. If you could just stop smoking, -GASP!- that could cut back most of those 33,000 a year. Do your part."
Okay, just listening to this ass-slave is irritating enough, but look at that last part. The majority of those 33,000 a year is caused by secondhand smoke? Even though not one legitimate scientific study has ever linked secondhand smoke and cancer? That's the majority of a 33,000 a year cancer death rate in a state that has a population of just over two million people. I guess the people doing those scientific studies should come here. Or maybe the "Fuck Cancer in the Ass" people should get their facts straight.
But it's not over. Oh no. Next comes the personal testimonial of some bitch who sounds like she speaks entirely through her nose with the biggest redneck accent I've ever heard in my life.
"I just wannuh thayank the Ammurcan Cainser So-sie-tee fer givin' me a chaince. Now mah cainser is in remission, and I'll get to go ta church on Sundie."
Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. Please.
I may sound like a prick for saying it, but I am a prick, so I'll say it: I don't care. That's right, I don't give a damn. I don't care about little children with cancer, I don't care about that redneck trollop with her goofy-ass accent, I don't care about that DJ with asthma, and I don't care about the American Cancer Society. I just want to hear music. That's what the radio is for. Music.
Yes, I realize cancer kills a lot of people. But a cure for cancer has eluded doctors for hundreds of years. What exactly does the ACS do? What exactly does that money go to? They aren't doing anything useful, they just say "donate so you'll feel better about yourself". I don't know what makes the ACS think they can magically find a cure cancer just by taking over the only decent radio station in town begging for money from underpaid blue-collars who are tuning in just to HEAR ROCK MUSIC. That's all. Play some of it. It doesn't even have to be real rock, I mean at least play Creed or Nickelback or something if you can't play anything good. Anything would be better than what I'm hearing.
But all isn't lost...I just changed the station to my local "last hope" station (better known as a "hit music" station - pop crap), and they're having the Flashback Lunch. The first song I hear is "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco. I guess if I can't hear any decent rock music, I can settle for cheesy '80s pop. Maybe it'll take my mind of that goofy beg-a-thon.
So rock me, Amadeus.
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