If you've been looking at the news for the past month, surely you've noticed the "Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays" debate that has suddenly crawled out of the sewers this season to consume the unsuspecting populace, much like the Blob. And if you're anything like me, you're probably quite perplexed by it.
It goes something like this: Although people have been saying both "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" interchangeably for as long as anyone can remember, suddenly this year some people decided that it should not be so. Although many people blame the politically correct "Happy Holidays" crowd, I place the blame more on the "Merry Christmas" end.
In recent years, there has been a growing trend that I (for lack of a better name) have dubbed "The Belligerent Christian Movement". These people see approximately two points of view - Christian and atheist - and think that the latter is "out to get" the former and wipe it completely off the face of the planet. They're in a constant struggle to force their religious views onto everyone else, and when denied the opportunity are quick to create a false dilemma, somehow coming to the conclusion that U.S. courts are "hostile" towards religion and are keeping them from keeping their own religious views. These are the people I solely blame. They believe that the ultra-PC crowd wants to take their holiday away from them, and they also frequently labor under the misapphresion that Christmas is the only holiday this time of year.
Earlier I was reading an article in the online Kinston Free Press (a North Carolina paper) which contained a quote from a local minister by the name of the reverend Chuck Lyons: "Happy holidays is kind of humorous to say anyway...What is the holiday they're celebrating? It's Christmas."
Really? So I guess the Jews, they're celebrating Christmas, too? The New Age religions? What about the Muslims? Every group I just named has its own holiday this time of year: Hanukkah, Solstice, and Ramadan, respectively. Hence, "Happy Holidays". Plural. With an "S".
"Merry Christmas" is not necessarily an offensive phrase to anyone, although it could be considered exclusionary. Saying something like "Merry Christmas" to someone you don't even know is to presume you know what their religion is, which is somewhat rude. But then one also has to consider that Christmas is to many basically a secularized holiday. This is why the phrase never bothered me - before.
One has to stop and consider...why would some of the water into wine crowd be so offended by "Happy Holidays"? After all, that phrase includes their beloved Christmas. It's simply wishing well on whatever holiday they celebrate. But it seems the aggressive evangelists aren't content in being included in the holiday season, they want complete ownership of it.
This is why the phrase "Merry Christmas" bothers me now. Every time I hear it now, I've begun to hear a slight towards non-Christians. I don't acknowledge the phrase when it's spoken to me (unless if feel the person truly means it), and I certainly will not return it.
As for me, I just say "Have a Nice Day". It works all year, and nobody is bothered by it.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Dr. Hysteria, or How I Learned to Stop Thinking and Believe in Man-Made Global Warming
Ever see The Day After Tomorrow? It was that really lame environmental activist propaganda film disguised as a disaster movie written and directed by Roland "I love to destroy New York with computer effects" Emmerich. If you did see it, I sympathize. I sat through the thing too. But if not, let me fill you in:
Everyone will continue to not buy all-important hybrid cars, and those evil V8 engines in everything else will spit up a cloud of Hydrogen Dioxide, which will create a sudden spike in global temperatures. This will make it hail in Tokyo. Afterwards, every one will begin to freeze to death (because the world is getting hotter and all), New York will be destroyed for the 80th time, wolves will suddenly start attacking people, and then we'll fall through some ice. And the survivors will start burning books to stay warm.
Powerful statement, huh? Because believe me, it IS a statement. This isn't just a work of fiction...there are some - nay, many - who actually seriously believe this shit. The popular view of GLOBAL WARMING (to be forever after placed in all caps, to emphasize how scary it is) is that not only is it for real and for true, but people are causing it. Because we drive cars. Environmentalists hate cars, unless they're powered by hybrid drive or solar power.
Ask any liberal (I hate to use the either of the terms "liberal or "conservative" as dirty words, because it makes me sound like I side with one of those groups - trust me, extremists from either end are equally unpleasant people) and they'll tell you that there's a mountain of evidence for GLOBAL WARMING, most notably that something is melting somewhere. That's what it always leads to. Something is melting somewhere, whether it's an iceberg in the North Atlantic, the entire continent of Antartica, or some little girl's ice cream cone in Des Moines. They use the term GREENHOUSE EFFECT sometimes (although not often anymore, 'cause it doesn't sound scary) to describe the hypothesis that our atmosphere traps in carbon dioxide, and that cars produce more carbon dioxide than we can get rid of, since we keep destroying the rainforests. This carbon dioxide will keep building up in our atmosphere and start to raise the temperature of Earth, thus naturally killing everything living on it. There's certainly no statistical evidence for this, but just remember that something is melting somewhere. And if ice is melting in one part of the world, obviously the entire world is getting hotter.
Here's what you don't hear from proponents of GLOBAL WARMING:
1. Climatologists only have just over 100 years of global weather data to work with. You can't predict what's going to happen several centuries from now based off of 100 years of data. You can't even predict what's going to happen 100 years from now based off of 100 years of data, due to the lack of any kind of control group. The question of whether the last century has been typical or atypical in terms of global temperatures is unanswered, as is the question on if there even is such a thing as a typical century, since it could be argued that Earth's climate has been changing nonstop for over 4 billion years.
2. The term "GLOBAL WARMING" itself is misleading, since it does exist, in a sense. If one were to look at the global weather data we have, they would see a warming trend from the 1890s to the 1940s, a cooling trend from the 1940s to the 1970s (which paved the way for "second ice age" theorists, which were just as fanatical and hysteric as GLOBAL WARMING proponents are today), and then another warming trend from the 1970s to today. But even that hasn't remained constant: although the hottest year since the 1970s was 1998 ("a mere seven years ago", proponents like to point out smugly, which by itself chips the credibility of a world constantly getting hotter), the coldest year since the 1970s was 1992...a mere SIX years prior to the hottest year. Oh yeah, and in case you're wondering, this last century has averaged out to a temperature rise of around 2 degrees Fahrenheit. Although some proponents gloat about this fact, it's well within a reasonable scientific margin. When global temperatures are constantly rising and falling, it's a logical fallacy to assume that the overall global temperatures will average out to the same number every 100 years.
3. Although proponents love to point out that the majority of climatologists believe in GLOBAL WARMING (and this may well be so), what's never taken into account is the (sizable) number of them who insist that our current warming period is a part of a natural cycle occurring every 30 or 40 years and is not caused by man. Majority belief is flimsy, anyway: A true inquiring mind doesn't grasp an idea just because it's fashionable, and if the climatologists can produce no evidence for their beliefs, then they're merely personal beliefs. I'm sure most climatologists believe in a god, as well. That doesn't mean theism has been scientifically proven.
4. I hate to take away the GLOBAL WARMING crowd's favorite argument away (no, on second thought, I love taking it away), but not every bit of ice in the world is melting. For example, the sea ice seasons in the southern oceans have been getting noticeably longer over the past 10 years or so. And although proponents constantly bring up the polar ice caps melting, most experts agree that the ice caps have been melting for around 1,000,000 years now...which is a pretty fucking long time before the Industrial Revolution started.
5. Many have theorized that the planet is coming out of the "Little Ice Age", a global cooling period that lasted from the Middle Ages to the early 19th century and making a natural recovery to its previous state, however this theory is hampered by the lack of reliable global temperature data from over 100 years ago.
6. Satellite temperatures have shown little to no warming in the upper atmosphere since the 1970s...and the warming of the atmosphere is crucial to the idea of GLOBAL WARMING.
I honestly hope that our current warming trend is part of a 30-40 year cycle...that way, very soon now, we'll see GLOBAL COOLING. No, make it GLOBAL FREEZING. The hysterics will jump right back to their second Ice Age, and I'll still be laughing at their complete ignorance and lack of research.
So what to do until then? I guess I'll just CHILL for a while. HA, get it? Chill! Because of GLOBAL FREEZING!
.....
Screw you, I thought it was funny.
Everyone will continue to not buy all-important hybrid cars, and those evil V8 engines in everything else will spit up a cloud of Hydrogen Dioxide, which will create a sudden spike in global temperatures. This will make it hail in Tokyo. Afterwards, every one will begin to freeze to death (because the world is getting hotter and all), New York will be destroyed for the 80th time, wolves will suddenly start attacking people, and then we'll fall through some ice. And the survivors will start burning books to stay warm.
Powerful statement, huh? Because believe me, it IS a statement. This isn't just a work of fiction...there are some - nay, many - who actually seriously believe this shit. The popular view of GLOBAL WARMING (to be forever after placed in all caps, to emphasize how scary it is) is that not only is it for real and for true, but people are causing it. Because we drive cars. Environmentalists hate cars, unless they're powered by hybrid drive or solar power.
Ask any liberal (I hate to use the either of the terms "liberal or "conservative" as dirty words, because it makes me sound like I side with one of those groups - trust me, extremists from either end are equally unpleasant people) and they'll tell you that there's a mountain of evidence for GLOBAL WARMING, most notably that something is melting somewhere. That's what it always leads to. Something is melting somewhere, whether it's an iceberg in the North Atlantic, the entire continent of Antartica, or some little girl's ice cream cone in Des Moines. They use the term GREENHOUSE EFFECT sometimes (although not often anymore, 'cause it doesn't sound scary) to describe the hypothesis that our atmosphere traps in carbon dioxide, and that cars produce more carbon dioxide than we can get rid of, since we keep destroying the rainforests. This carbon dioxide will keep building up in our atmosphere and start to raise the temperature of Earth, thus naturally killing everything living on it. There's certainly no statistical evidence for this, but just remember that something is melting somewhere. And if ice is melting in one part of the world, obviously the entire world is getting hotter.
Here's what you don't hear from proponents of GLOBAL WARMING:
1. Climatologists only have just over 100 years of global weather data to work with. You can't predict what's going to happen several centuries from now based off of 100 years of data. You can't even predict what's going to happen 100 years from now based off of 100 years of data, due to the lack of any kind of control group. The question of whether the last century has been typical or atypical in terms of global temperatures is unanswered, as is the question on if there even is such a thing as a typical century, since it could be argued that Earth's climate has been changing nonstop for over 4 billion years.
2. The term "GLOBAL WARMING" itself is misleading, since it does exist, in a sense. If one were to look at the global weather data we have, they would see a warming trend from the 1890s to the 1940s, a cooling trend from the 1940s to the 1970s (which paved the way for "second ice age" theorists, which were just as fanatical and hysteric as GLOBAL WARMING proponents are today), and then another warming trend from the 1970s to today. But even that hasn't remained constant: although the hottest year since the 1970s was 1998 ("a mere seven years ago", proponents like to point out smugly, which by itself chips the credibility of a world constantly getting hotter), the coldest year since the 1970s was 1992...a mere SIX years prior to the hottest year. Oh yeah, and in case you're wondering, this last century has averaged out to a temperature rise of around 2 degrees Fahrenheit. Although some proponents gloat about this fact, it's well within a reasonable scientific margin. When global temperatures are constantly rising and falling, it's a logical fallacy to assume that the overall global temperatures will average out to the same number every 100 years.
3. Although proponents love to point out that the majority of climatologists believe in GLOBAL WARMING (and this may well be so), what's never taken into account is the (sizable) number of them who insist that our current warming period is a part of a natural cycle occurring every 30 or 40 years and is not caused by man. Majority belief is flimsy, anyway: A true inquiring mind doesn't grasp an idea just because it's fashionable, and if the climatologists can produce no evidence for their beliefs, then they're merely personal beliefs. I'm sure most climatologists believe in a god, as well. That doesn't mean theism has been scientifically proven.
4. I hate to take away the GLOBAL WARMING crowd's favorite argument away (no, on second thought, I love taking it away), but not every bit of ice in the world is melting. For example, the sea ice seasons in the southern oceans have been getting noticeably longer over the past 10 years or so. And although proponents constantly bring up the polar ice caps melting, most experts agree that the ice caps have been melting for around 1,000,000 years now...which is a pretty fucking long time before the Industrial Revolution started.
5. Many have theorized that the planet is coming out of the "Little Ice Age", a global cooling period that lasted from the Middle Ages to the early 19th century and making a natural recovery to its previous state, however this theory is hampered by the lack of reliable global temperature data from over 100 years ago.
6. Satellite temperatures have shown little to no warming in the upper atmosphere since the 1970s...and the warming of the atmosphere is crucial to the idea of GLOBAL WARMING.
I honestly hope that our current warming trend is part of a 30-40 year cycle...that way, very soon now, we'll see GLOBAL COOLING. No, make it GLOBAL FREEZING. The hysterics will jump right back to their second Ice Age, and I'll still be laughing at their complete ignorance and lack of research.
So what to do until then? I guess I'll just CHILL for a while. HA, get it? Chill! Because of GLOBAL FREEZING!
.....
Screw you, I thought it was funny.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
The Dangers of Rae Dawn Chong
What will it take to warn you about the dangers of Rae Dawn Chong?
The EPA has concluded numerous times that there is a definite link between lung cancer and Rae Dawn. She's a threat in three out of every ten homes. About 20,000 lung cancer deaths each year in the U.S. are Rae Dawn-related. Exposure to Rae Dawn is the second leading cause of lung cancer after smoking. She's also been linked to sudden mood swings in pregnant women, sore throat, brain-freeze, stabbings, ringworm, explosive flatulence, meningitis, and in some cases premature death from unknown causes. She can also cause children under 12 to bleed profusely from all of their pores.
Rae Dawn is ubiquitous. She can be found in most homes in trace amounts, usually when a person unintentionally switches to Cinemax when The Principal in on. However, some homes have deadly levels of Rae Dawn, ranging from one or more of her films on VHS or DVD, all the way to a physical incarnation of her stalking in the shadows with glowing eyes and a large knife. You can't see her, smell her, or taste her. Therefore, many lung cancer victims never knew of the dangers of their extremely high levels of Rae Dawn.
Rae Dawn can enter the home many ways, normally through an open door or window, although she can also phase through solid walls if the conditions are just right, and has been known to crawl out of television sets, like that little ghost girl in The Ring. Also be aware of cracks in the floor or walls: She's very thin.
Rae Dawn is very easy to check for. One must look for corpses lying randomly in the floor, as well as the site of her lurking about and staring like a hungry wild dog. Be also aware of her droppings: They are invisible and have no scent, but are very slippery, much like a banana peel. Other warning signs could include post-apocalyptic plotlines, excessive monster make-up, and James Belushi.
Once it has been established that the home contains dangerous levels of Rae Dawn, one must be careful never to attempt exterminating her through the use of force. Not only is she bad as hell and could probably kill you with two or three of her fingers, but she is also an entity that can jump from the body of one person to another, causing a physical metamorphosis of her host body into that of a skinny, ethnically mixed middle-aged woman.
The proper way to exterminate Rae Dawn is to pray to the wood nymphs (be sure they are EPA-certified wood nymphs, however) and brush some sage against your right elbow, while chanting "I'll be your number one with a bullet...doodlebop, soda pop, grab it and pull it".
WARNING: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU BRUSH THE SAGE AGAINST YOUR LEFT ELBOW. THIS CAN CAUSE A SUBATOMIC REACTION THAT COULD CAUSE CATASTROPHIC SUBATOMIC FAILURE ON THE SUBATOMIC LEVEL, AND CAN CAUSE YOUR NOSE TO FALL OFF.
After these steps are complete, Rae Dawn should let out a piercing scream that can be heard throughout the entire region of the country you live in, which will shatter all glass and burst all car tires within a five mile radius. She will then explode into a shower of sparks and rose petals. Your home should now be Rae-Dawn free.
For further information, please refer to the Internet Movie Database at www.imdb.com.
Remember, only you can prevent Rae Dawn Chong.
The EPA has concluded numerous times that there is a definite link between lung cancer and Rae Dawn. She's a threat in three out of every ten homes. About 20,000 lung cancer deaths each year in the U.S. are Rae Dawn-related. Exposure to Rae Dawn is the second leading cause of lung cancer after smoking. She's also been linked to sudden mood swings in pregnant women, sore throat, brain-freeze, stabbings, ringworm, explosive flatulence, meningitis, and in some cases premature death from unknown causes. She can also cause children under 12 to bleed profusely from all of their pores.
Rae Dawn is ubiquitous. She can be found in most homes in trace amounts, usually when a person unintentionally switches to Cinemax when The Principal in on. However, some homes have deadly levels of Rae Dawn, ranging from one or more of her films on VHS or DVD, all the way to a physical incarnation of her stalking in the shadows with glowing eyes and a large knife. You can't see her, smell her, or taste her. Therefore, many lung cancer victims never knew of the dangers of their extremely high levels of Rae Dawn.
Rae Dawn can enter the home many ways, normally through an open door or window, although she can also phase through solid walls if the conditions are just right, and has been known to crawl out of television sets, like that little ghost girl in The Ring. Also be aware of cracks in the floor or walls: She's very thin.
AHHH! She's a known carcinogen! Run, bitch, run!
Rae Dawn is very easy to check for. One must look for corpses lying randomly in the floor, as well as the site of her lurking about and staring like a hungry wild dog. Be also aware of her droppings: They are invisible and have no scent, but are very slippery, much like a banana peel. Other warning signs could include post-apocalyptic plotlines, excessive monster make-up, and James Belushi.
Once it has been established that the home contains dangerous levels of Rae Dawn, one must be careful never to attempt exterminating her through the use of force. Not only is she bad as hell and could probably kill you with two or three of her fingers, but she is also an entity that can jump from the body of one person to another, causing a physical metamorphosis of her host body into that of a skinny, ethnically mixed middle-aged woman.
The proper way to exterminate Rae Dawn is to pray to the wood nymphs (be sure they are EPA-certified wood nymphs, however) and brush some sage against your right elbow, while chanting "I'll be your number one with a bullet...doodlebop, soda pop, grab it and pull it".
WARNING: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU BRUSH THE SAGE AGAINST YOUR LEFT ELBOW. THIS CAN CAUSE A SUBATOMIC REACTION THAT COULD CAUSE CATASTROPHIC SUBATOMIC FAILURE ON THE SUBATOMIC LEVEL, AND CAN CAUSE YOUR NOSE TO FALL OFF.
After these steps are complete, Rae Dawn should let out a piercing scream that can be heard throughout the entire region of the country you live in, which will shatter all glass and burst all car tires within a five mile radius. She will then explode into a shower of sparks and rose petals. Your home should now be Rae-Dawn free.
For further information, please refer to the Internet Movie Database at www.imdb.com.
Remember, only you can prevent Rae Dawn Chong.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Stay Away From My Funges!
Yeah, I haven't updated in a while. I try to update at the very least once a month, but I haven't had much to complain or even ponder lately. But now I do. And I'll try my damnedest to have something next month, too.
Let me start this entry by giving a tidbit of personal information: I work as a master control operator for a local TV station. I mainly work the sign on shifts (ie, early morning to noon or so) on Saturday and Sunday. My station - an NBC affiliate - plays the "Discovery Kids" block on Saturday morning. Rather than show cartoons like the other networks, NBC stations show this educational programming, which consists of safari shows or scripted kiddie sitcoms that just happen to take place in Africa or on a farm. The Discovery Kids programming block is fairly tolerable compared to the crap that my station usually plays (Ambush Makeover...ugh), but the commercials aren't.
Not only are commercials for the same four or five snack foods played randomly throughout the three hours of programming, but they're usually annoying. And the worst is...the dreaded Pringles commercial.
If you haven't seen the commercial, first of all be glad. Second, allow me to paint the picture:
Apart from the annoyance of the cross-eyed little drooler mispronouncing "fungus" (and her mother and brother miraculously understanding her), I can only think of one thing: What the hell does "water the fungus" mean? What fungus? Do they have a shroom garden? Are they going to go piss on some lichen somewhere? Whatever it means, it must be important, because it takes precedence over cleaning the gutters and changing the oil, and is at least on the same level as balancing the checkbook (which by itself shouldn't even be a higher priority than shampooing the carpet, so watering this fungus must be REALLY important). I mean, do people in suburbia keep some sort of nondescript pet fungus in their house that they have to water regularly? It truly blows my mind.
For the past three weeks or so they haven't been playing the ad, so maybe the bastard thing has been retired. Maybe they were playing it even before I started the job and normally phased it out of rotation, or maybe they just finally realized what an awful ad it is and yanked it, casting it away into the Pit of Horrid Advertisements with its housemates-in-hell, the MCI "I Believe I Can Call" spot featuring singing Looney Tunes characters, and every O.B. tampon commercial EVER.
Now if they would just stop playing those Chucky Cheese commercials featuring that speech-impaired mouse dressed like a skateboarder from 1989...
Let me start this entry by giving a tidbit of personal information: I work as a master control operator for a local TV station. I mainly work the sign on shifts (ie, early morning to noon or so) on Saturday and Sunday. My station - an NBC affiliate - plays the "Discovery Kids" block on Saturday morning. Rather than show cartoons like the other networks, NBC stations show this educational programming, which consists of safari shows or scripted kiddie sitcoms that just happen to take place in Africa or on a farm. The Discovery Kids programming block is fairly tolerable compared to the crap that my station usually plays (Ambush Makeover...ugh), but the commercials aren't.
Not only are commercials for the same four or five snack foods played randomly throughout the three hours of programming, but they're usually annoying. And the worst is...the dreaded Pringles commercial.
If you haven't seen the commercial, first of all be glad. Second, allow me to paint the picture:
The ad starts with your typical "TV mom" opening a cabinet. The camera was in the cabinet in total darkness, then she opens the door and all you see is her goofy fucking face. I'm immediately reminded of the car trunk scenes so prevalent in Quentin Tarantino films, but without all the cool. She reaches for a single Pringles Snack Stack...those cursed little things they put in lunches that comes in either ketchup red (for plain) or failed scientific experiment green (for sour cream and onion). This one is red. She grabs it and closes the cabinet.
The camera cuts outside to a clinically clean kitchen in a typical suburban house, that is, if your typical suburban family makes a total of $250,000 a year. Seated at the counter behind their mother is the (on the left) a typical dipshit 7-10 year old son: Bowl cut, a long sleeved shirt that is very obviously not a part of a uniform yet inexplicably has a number on the front of it, and an excitable demeanor. Next to him (on the right) is the typical dipshit 7-10 year old daughter: long hair, plain white long sleeved shirt, and a smartassed demeanor. The mother turns to them.
"There's one Snack Stacks left. Who wants it?" she asks them in a fairly bored voice. One Snack Stacks? Isn't "Snack Stacks" plural? They put the "s" on the end because they're sold in bulk, but singularly, it's "one Snack Stack". We'll just assume that she's retarded, and he new name is Retard Mom. Hi, Retard Mom.
Both children (we'll call them Buttsqueeze and Squeezette) immediately respond with "I do!". Then we have a sort of quasi-auction to see who gets the "Snack Stacks" - all one of them. Paraphrased below:
Buttsqueeze: "I'll clean my room for it!"
Squeezette: "Shampoo the carpet."
Buttsqueeze: "Change the oil!"
Retard Mom: "Car's oil needs changing, oil going once..."
Squeezette: "Wash the cat."
Buttsqueeze: "Clean out the gutters!"
Retard Mom: "Gutters going once, gutters going twice..."
Just when Retard Mom is about to give her son the last of the damn potato chips, Squeezette comes up with this gem: "Balance the checkbook and water the fungus". Except the way she says it, it comes out sounding like "funges", or phonetically, "fun-jess". Retard Mom replies, "Sold to the lady with the fungus" (ewwwwww) and Squeezette gives Buttsqueeze a smug look that makes me want to snatch all the ugly off of her dorky prepubescent ass. After the announcer gets through reminding us what this is a commercial for, it cuts to the last scene: Buttsqueeze asks "What's a fungus?", and Squeezette gives him the typical "I'm not related to you" look. Fade to black.
Apart from the annoyance of the cross-eyed little drooler mispronouncing "fungus" (and her mother and brother miraculously understanding her), I can only think of one thing: What the hell does "water the fungus" mean? What fungus? Do they have a shroom garden? Are they going to go piss on some lichen somewhere? Whatever it means, it must be important, because it takes precedence over cleaning the gutters and changing the oil, and is at least on the same level as balancing the checkbook (which by itself shouldn't even be a higher priority than shampooing the carpet, so watering this fungus must be REALLY important). I mean, do people in suburbia keep some sort of nondescript pet fungus in their house that they have to water regularly? It truly blows my mind.
For the past three weeks or so they haven't been playing the ad, so maybe the bastard thing has been retired. Maybe they were playing it even before I started the job and normally phased it out of rotation, or maybe they just finally realized what an awful ad it is and yanked it, casting it away into the Pit of Horrid Advertisements with its housemates-in-hell, the MCI "I Believe I Can Call" spot featuring singing Looney Tunes characters, and every O.B. tampon commercial EVER.
Now if they would just stop playing those Chucky Cheese commercials featuring that speech-impaired mouse dressed like a skateboarder from 1989...
Monday, April 25, 2005
Pugnacious Kerfuffle With a Vengeance
--What is the deal with Stargate SG-1? The Sci-Fi channel shows like seven hours of this damn show every Monday night, then continues showing it throughout the week. Playing any show on a schedule like that is downright bizarre, but this show as a bonus completely sucks. At least 45 minutes is spent in each hour long show showing a bunch of military guys running around in the woods shooting a lot of fake ass lasers at everything. And wait a second...the woods? If I remember the movie correctly, the alternate dimension was a DESERT. I know the show is filmed in Vancouver, but hell, so were first few seasons of The X-Files, and they had desert scenes in some episodes. Just dump some red food coloring into a rock quarry. Instant desert. But no...just just shift it to the woods instead, because we're lazy.
It also makes the same old mistakes Star Trek did, such as alien beings not really being alien, just being black guys wearing a lot of makeup. You know this guy is an alien, BECAUSE HE'S BLACK AND HAS SOME SORT OF SPIRAL PATTERN IN HIS FOREHEAD! DUDE, THAT'S LIKE, SO CRAZY AND ALIEN AND STUFF!
Oh well, at least they took Tremors: The Series off the air.
--People mispronounce everything:
You look in the mirror, not the "meer".
You drink milk, not "melk".
Mischievous is pronounced "mischief-vus", not "mis-chee-vee-us".
Porsche is pronounced "Porsha", not just "Porsh".
On a similar note, Audi is "Ow-dee", not "Aw-dee".
When you buy a bedroom suite, that's a "sweet", not a "suit".
En route is pronounced "on root" or "on rout", not "in root" or "in rout".
Haute is pronounced "oat", not "hawt".
Learn this shit, folks, I'm tired of correcting you.
--I'm getting tired of people misusing the word "ego". The word is supposed to refer to one's self esteem, but is also defined as an inappropriate love for oneself. Any time someone stands up for himself for any reason or actually sticks to his principles, people say he has a big ego. Like the only reason he doesn't accept what's handed to him is because he thinks he's better. No, he doesn't have principles and a strong sense of character and honor, he's just conceited and stubborn.
People (women are especially bad about this, but you hear it from men a lot too) will often get some sort of penis comment in there, too. Oh yeah. If someone doesn't allow himself to be pushed around, he must have a small penis. Am I the only one who doesn't see a connection there? You might as well conclude that his thumbs aren't the same length. So by this logic, Cool Hand Luke and Vanishing Point were about self-important stubborn assholes with small penises. Yeah. Now it all makes sense.
Everyone today has this weird concept of "I'll accept any degree of disgrace, as long as I'm safe", and will attack anyone who doesn't subscribe to the same point of view. These people often wallow around in the shallow cesspool of modern life, perfectly content to walk around in the mall yacking on mobile phones buying (imitation) high-end merchandise and pursuing their own selfish goals, since they have their entire lives planned out ahead of time and don't think that anything could ever possibly get in the way of their all-important plans.
That, dear readers, is ego.
It also makes the same old mistakes Star Trek did, such as alien beings not really being alien, just being black guys wearing a lot of makeup. You know this guy is an alien, BECAUSE HE'S BLACK AND HAS SOME SORT OF SPIRAL PATTERN IN HIS FOREHEAD! DUDE, THAT'S LIKE, SO CRAZY AND ALIEN AND STUFF!
Oh well, at least they took Tremors: The Series off the air.
--People mispronounce everything:
You look in the mirror, not the "meer".
You drink milk, not "melk".
Mischievous is pronounced "mischief-vus", not "mis-chee-vee-us".
Porsche is pronounced "Porsha", not just "Porsh".
On a similar note, Audi is "Ow-dee", not "Aw-dee".
When you buy a bedroom suite, that's a "sweet", not a "suit".
En route is pronounced "on root" or "on rout", not "in root" or "in rout".
Haute is pronounced "oat", not "hawt".
Learn this shit, folks, I'm tired of correcting you.
--I'm getting tired of people misusing the word "ego". The word is supposed to refer to one's self esteem, but is also defined as an inappropriate love for oneself. Any time someone stands up for himself for any reason or actually sticks to his principles, people say he has a big ego. Like the only reason he doesn't accept what's handed to him is because he thinks he's better. No, he doesn't have principles and a strong sense of character and honor, he's just conceited and stubborn.
People (women are especially bad about this, but you hear it from men a lot too) will often get some sort of penis comment in there, too. Oh yeah. If someone doesn't allow himself to be pushed around, he must have a small penis. Am I the only one who doesn't see a connection there? You might as well conclude that his thumbs aren't the same length. So by this logic, Cool Hand Luke and Vanishing Point were about self-important stubborn assholes with small penises. Yeah. Now it all makes sense.
Everyone today has this weird concept of "I'll accept any degree of disgrace, as long as I'm safe", and will attack anyone who doesn't subscribe to the same point of view. These people often wallow around in the shallow cesspool of modern life, perfectly content to walk around in the mall yacking on mobile phones buying (imitation) high-end merchandise and pursuing their own selfish goals, since they have their entire lives planned out ahead of time and don't think that anything could ever possibly get in the way of their all-important plans.
That, dear readers, is ego.
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