The Animated Adventures of a Retarded Cyborg Exhibitionist in a Position of Authority

Inspector Gadget scares the hell out of me. Always has. Like many members of Generation Y, it was one of the many cartoon shows I grew up on, and one of only a handful that has left an indelible imprint on my life. But not for the reason that the creators of the show would have ever wanted. Every time the show came on, I curled into the blanket at the top of my bunkbed as was instantly transported to a surreal, frightening world full of perverted androids and disfigured megalomaniacs, where every side character was actually a brainwashed, tattooed henchman. But before I get too far into this, allow me to present the facts behind the show for the sake of the uninitiated or any of you who might have forgotten it after 20 odd years.

Inspector Gadget was produced by DiC entertainment, which was responsible for many inventive yet poorly animated Saturday morning cartoons. It first appeared on some network or another in 1983, and enjoyed relative success (as far as cartoons go) until 1986.


The show follows the adventures of this guy. No, I'm not kidding. This is the hero. Hook nose, lethal chin, Peter Fonda-spec driving gloves, everything. Voiced by Don Addams of Get Smart, and is in fact exactly like Maxwell Smart...but he's a cyborg. Interesting twist, wouldn't you say? By the way, I don't know exactly what's going on in that picture, but it appears as though he's making a masturbatory gesture with his right hand while demonstrating his inadequate size with his left. The fact that he's wearing a flasher-spec trenchcoat doesn't help this image much.

Gadget works for "The Police". I assume it's supposed to be Interpol, given his globe trotting in every episode, but this is never specified. He has no coworkers, no office, and we never discover exactly what all of his employment benefits are. He drives "The Gadget Van", which is a strange-looking red, white, and blue van. Need to get somewhere fast? The Gadget Van can transform into a fast, '80s-tastic sports car, complete with balloon tires, federally-mandated black rubber bumpers, and sporty-looking slats over the rear window. How changing the external appearance of his vehicle can make it faster is never explained, but it does. One also wonders how heavy the vehicle is, given the extensive machinework required to make the transformation possible, but then again we are talking about a show where the main character has a red police light and a helicopter rotor wedged on either side of his pituitary gland.


Gadget's only real link to "The Police" is not Sting, but this guy. "The Chief", notable for the fact that he looks remarkably like a cross between John Ratzenburger and a white Danny Glover. "The Chief" delivers all of Gadget's assignments personally, which I would assume means "The Police" doesn't employ many people. This guy always drops by while Gadget is on vacation, usually cleverly disguised as a garbage can, mailbox, hot dog, hooker, or whatever. He hands Gadget a piece of paper with his assignment written on it (real high-tech), which will always self destruct in a set amount of time. Gadget always reads it, casually tosses it back to the chief, who then gets blown up and goes "ohhhhhhh". We're supposed to think that the cause of the chief's perpetual third degree burns is the fact that Gadget is a complete tool who can't get anything right, but I've always theorized that Gadget does it deliberately. After all, the guy is always interrupting his vacation.


The inspector's assignments always involve his nemesis somehow: Dr. Claw. Claw runs a international crime ring called "M.A.D". That's supposed to stand for something, but hell if I remember what. So what are these guys into? Smuggled industrial equipment? Cocaine? Money Laundering? Filipino snuff films? Well, it's something different every week, but it's usually something silly like hoarding all the world's water or attempting to turn lead into gold. Dr. Claw is always seen as a metal hand petting a creepy silver cat, while he sits in his totally goth office and monitors everything Gadget does on a TV screen (more on that later). He also has an impossibly gravely, "I've been smoking for 150 years" voice.


Gadget lives with his chucklefuck niece, Penny, who is incredibly perky and positive. She carries a computer with her everywhere, which is disguised as a nondescript purple schoolbook. Wow. She has a laptop. Give her a goddamn cookie.


Bringing up the rear of this crack team (with emphasis on "crack") is Brain, Penny's ultra-intelligent orange smart-assed dog. He's occasionally anthropomorphic, and can disguise himself as a person, albeit a very ugly person, to help save the day. One downside (really more like an upside, when you think about it) is that he can't talk. He just makes weird arfing noises which only Penny can decipher. Don't ask why. Just go with it.

Here's basically how it works: The gang goes on assignment to some "exotic" country (usually Sweden or somewhere), tool around in the Gadget Van for awhile, then meet some colorful local character, who always ends up having M.A.D.'s evil red cat logo tattooed on him/her somewhere. This always goes unnoticed by Gadget, but Penny usually sees it. Considering it's usually in living color right on the ankle or somewhere, I guess we can commend her for being marginally perceptive. Rather than keep her beloved uncle safe from an obvious employee of Dr. Claw, she typically lets him do his goofy thing, then wanders off with Brain to solve the case herself. They crack the case but don't catch Dr. Claw (and we still don't get to see his damn face), Gadget gets all the credit (and basks in it, because he's far from modest), and then it's "tune in next week" time.

I can not express strongly enough how much this show frightened me at the tender age of five, and still haunts my memories even today. Apart from the obvious elements of a vacuous cyborg who blows up his boss and gets outsmarted by his niece's dog every week, we also start assuming with every episode that every side character who gets introduced is automatically an employee of Dr. Claw. No matter where Gadget is, Claw can follow him on his console computer screen. It's as if no matter how far they run or where they try to hide, there's always an agent...spying. Watching their every move. Filming it. Recording it. The entire world has shifted to the the forces of evil, while "The Police" seems to only have one agent. It's sort of like Invasion of the Body Snatchers minus the green pods, or Blue Sunshine, minus Zalman King trying to shoot crazy bald people in the head with an air pistol.

Although Inspector Gadget is too stupid to care, and Brain is too devil-may-care, one can almost see the despair in Penny's eyes, as society crumbles around her. Despite her attempts to maintain a cheery outlook, she knows she will soon be the only one left...the world will be entirely in the grips of Dr. Claw, and his evil henchmen will be in every school, church, strip club, and yes, every home in the entire world. Everyone will have uber-hip red cat tatoos but her, and even those in a position of authority will be in cahoots with a madman bent on stealing all the world's clock gears, or whatever else he has planned. The world is going completely mad, and any attempts to stop it will prove fruitless.

And that is how Inspector Gadget destroyed my childhood.

And Now For Something Not Very Different

I was reading Crazy Island earlier, and there was a questionaire cribbed from various sources. Since I feel like I should be making a new entry, yet don't really have anything to write about, I've decided to answer this myself.


Your name spelled backwards: Kids (jarring chord).

Where were your parents born?: The land of fire and the land of ice. I was the resulting explosion.

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: A pair of songs from Cowboy Bebop.

What’s your favorite restaurant?: Probably Taco Bell. Basically any place that the food is edible.

Last time you swam in a pool?: May of 2002.

Have you ever been in a school play?: Yes, in Kindergarten. My class sang "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked a Cake". They were good, but I outclassed them. I totally rocked the house, but there unfortunately weren't any talent scouts in the audience that summer night.

How many kids do you want?: Three. One for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner.

Type of music you dislike most?: Any song that has its own dance.

Are you registered to vote?: Yes

Do you have cable?: DirecTV, baby.

Have you ever ridden on a moped?: No, but I did trip over one once.

Ever prank call anybody?: I've called a lot of people and breathed heavily, BUT WHO SAYS I'M JOKING?

Ever get a parking ticket?: No. Parking is free here in Mississippi.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: No, but I might try SCCA racing some day, if I can find a cheap beater sports car.

Farthest place you ever traveled: Well, unless you count that trying spiritual journey in which I discovered that Velveeta cheese makes a really good sandwhich, probably either Pennsylvania or Minnesota. Or the trip I took back to Mississippi during the time that I actually lived in Minnesota.

Do you have a garden?: No, but I might plant one. Either Soundgarden or Memory Garden, I can't decide which. Whichever one, I'll be sure to plant the "Seed of Destruction" and practice "Sowing the Seeds of Love".

What’s your favorite comic strip? Kevin and Kell

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?: I'm a little confused on that whole "ramparts" part.

Bath or Shower, morning or night?: Shower at night. Followed by a snail mucus facial. Works wonders.

Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?: Donnie Darko

Favorite pizza topping?: Bell pepper

Chips or popcorn?: Lasagne

What color lipstick do you usually wear?: I'm of the male persuasion, and do not wear lipstick.

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: No. Good shit?

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: No. I'd have to cut my hair and shave my mustache. Screw that.

Orange Juice or apple?: Whichever one is orange colored. I can't remember which.

Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?:
Does eating at a restaurant with my parents count? If so, I don't remember which the first was, because I was probably 2 years old.

Favorite type chocolate bar?:Peanut Butter Twix

When was the last time you voted at the polls?:
This'll be my first year.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?:
Probably around 8 years ago. I'd rather have a store-bought one, on the whole.

Have you ever won a trophy?:
Honor Roll, Clarkdale Elementary, 1st grade.

Are you a good cook?: Gag-inducingly good.

Do you know how to pump your own gas?: Yes, and change my own oil, and perform most major automotive repairs. You've hit my hobby, there.

Ever order an article from an infomercial?: No, but sometimes if I can't sleep I'll get up, drink some coke, and make fun of infomercials, MST3K style. Sometimes - especially if I'm really tired - I'll come up with a real zinger that I write down and use at some point later. This works well with the news and music videos, as well.

Sprite or 7-up?: Dr. Pepper

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?: Yes. The black cap showed up a lot of dandruff, too. Damn McDonald's. Damn them to hell.

Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Oral steroids and antibiotics for a throat condition a year ago. I have robbed a few since then, though, does that count?

Ever throw up in public? Yep. Ate too much once when I was a kid and left a river of stomach juices outside of a diner. It was a remarkably refreshing experience, for some reason.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?: Given the chance, millionaire. Love is a lot more likely to happen eventually.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: No.

Ever call a 1-900 number?: No, but I did call 976-DROP-DRAWERS once.

Can ex’s be friends?: If they're willing to not act like the complete fucktards that ex's usually act like.

Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?: My father, when he had bypass surgery about ten years ago. I tend to avoid hospitals.

Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?: Hell if I know.

What message is on your answering machine?: An automated woman's voice saying "Please leave a message after the beep". I guess it's supposed to be voice mail, but I don't even know the difference.

What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?: BUCKWHEAT!

What was the name of your first pet?: When I was born my family had a dark grey cat named Velvet. It was very mean. Used to call me names, and try to convince me to kill my neighbors in the name of my Lord Satan.

What is in your purse?: A Ruger Redhawk .44 Magnum revolver, with an 8" barrel and a bright chrome finish, with a genuine walnut handle.

Favorite thing to do before bedtime?: Pace for a few minutes and reflect on some goofy crap that doesn't need reflection.

What is one thing you are grateful for today?: Nothing really. To whom would I owe the gratitude?

There. That was fun, and quite candid. I'll have to try that again sometime.

I Got Your Ethical Treatment Right Here!

You can feel them...breathing down your neck every time you buy a new belt. You can hear them...pitiful moaning like so many George Romero zombies as soon as you take a bite of your cheeseburger. You can see them...standing by the side of the road speaking into megaphones and looking like a bunch of militant Anthrocon rejects. They are the People Eating Tasty Animals.

No, that's not really what it stands for. It's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: PETA, or "PeTA", as they prefer to spell it. One can infer that ethics is low on their list of priorities from that spelling.

How can I accurately describe PeTA, without resorting to the delicious hyperbole and attacks that I'm saving for later in this post? How about using PeTA's own description, from their website?

PETA believes that animals deserve the most basic rights, consideration of their own best interests regardless of whether they are useful to humans. Like you, they are capable of suffering and have interests in leading their own lives; therefore, they are not ours to use for food, clothing, entertainment, or experimentation, or for any other reason.

MmmHmm. In other words, extreme animal lovers. For a look at what really drives these fellows, perhaps we should take a look at their FAQ, which is typically the most concise part of any given site.

People who support animal rights believe that animals are not ours to use for food, clothing, entertainment, experimentation, or any other purpose and that animals deserve consideration of their best interests regardless of whether they are cute, useful to humans, or endangered and regardless of whether any human cares about them at all...Animals should have the right to equal consideration of their interests. For instance, a dog most certainly has an interest in not having pain inflicted on him or her unnecessarily. We are, therefore, obliged to take that interest into consideration and to respect the dog's right not to have pain unnecessarily inflicted upon him or her.

Okay, so animals are capable of suffering and deserve to live their own lives. No argument from me. In fact, it's a point of view I appreciate more than most. I'd even concede that humans are no "better" than any other animal. But there's one problem: That whole "natural order" thing. Humans are at the top of the food chain, and we should act as such. Wolves don't question the morality of killing a moose. Foxes don't question the morality of killing a rabbit. If you really think you're on the same level as every other animal, why act morally superior? We don't kill animals for fun or to dishonor them...we do it for survival. We get our energy from consuming their flesh.

But that's what I think. And you know...what PeTA thinks is what PeTA thinks. So it's a bunch of people who don't want to eat meat and think that animals should be liberated from all forms of captivity. Weird, but okay. It's all down to individual choices in lifestyle. To each his own. Right?

Everybody is entitled to his or her own opinion, but freedom of thought is not the same thing as freedom of action. You are free to believe whatever you want as long as you don't hurt others. You may believe that animals should be killed, that black people should be enslaved, or that women should be beaten, but you don't always have the right to put your beliefs into practice. The very nature of reform movements is to tell others what to do don't use humans as slaves, don't sexually harass women, etc. and all movements initially encounter opposition from people who want to continue to take part in the criticized behavior.

Oh hell no they didn't...they didn't just compare killing animals for food to American slavery and domestic violence. So this is how they justify it...if you eat meat, you're a spouse-beater and a slave driver, and you should be stopped.

Their FAQ just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along, too...How does PeTA justify the acts of violence and arson committed by the eco-terrorist group Animal Liberation Front (ALF)?

Throughout history, some people have felt the need to break the law to fight injustice. The Underground Railroad and the French Resistance are examples of movements in which people broke the law in order to answer to a higher morality. The ALF, which is simply the name adopted by people who act illegally in behalf of animal rights, breaks inanimate objects such as stereotaxic devices and decapitators in order to save lives. ALF members burn empty buildings in which animals are tortured and killed. ALF raids have given us proof of horrific cruelty that would not have otherwise been discovered or believed and have resulted in criminal charges being filed against laboratories for violations of the Animal Welfare Act. Often, ALF raids have been followed by widespread scientific condemnation of the practices occurring in the targeted labs, and some abusive laboratories have been permanently shut down as a result.

Oh marvelous. Whereas most resistance movements answer to moral absolutes, PeTA has decided to adopt the same tactics to a very relative point of view. Hey everybody, let's go burn down a Red Lobster and SAVE SOME FUCKING CRUSTACEANS!

The best part of PeTA is their preoccupation with vegetarianism and the uber-trendy veganism, which is an extension of vegetarianism in which one doesn't consume meat OR eggs, dairy or any other animal product. Why do they wish to force these points of view on others?

From a moral standpoint, actions that harm others are not matters of personal choice. For example, murder, child abuse, and cruelty to animals are immoral acts, not matters of choice. Today, our society encourages meat-eating and factory farming, but at one time, society also encouraged slavery, child labor, and many other practices that are now universally recognized as wrong

Universally accepted as wrong? Funny, I thought parts of the world still used slavery and child labor.

In case you haven't caught on yet, now this isn't about personal choice. They want to force us all to be scrawny-ass, malnourished vegetarians who wear natural fibers and are into whale-watching. They seriously want to ban meat-eating, apparently hoping humans will start dying of malnutrition.

Studies have also shown that vegetarians have lower cholesterol levels than meat-eaters and are far less likely to die of heart disease or cancer.

Whoa! Stop right there. These people are actually trying to make us believe we'll be healthier if we DON'T eat meat? But I guess if your idea of "healthy" is "deathly and grossly underweight", then yeah, being a vegetarian would make you very healthy indeed.

And everyone is always harping about cholesterol. Fuck cholesterol...that's got nothing on protein deficiency.

The consumption of meat and dairy products has been conclusively linked with diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis, clogged arteries, obesity, asthma, and impotence.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Arthritis? Impotence? I'm surprised no one has linked vegan diets to mental retardation...there's already some evidence for that hypothesis right here. Predictably, no sources are given for these ludicrous claims.

Moving on, this is really precious: "Aren't humans natural carnivores?"

Actually, a vegetarian diet suits the human body better than a diet that includes meat. Carnivorous animals have claws, short digestive tracts, and long, curved fangs. Humans have flat, flexible nails, and our so-called "canine" teeth are minuscule compared to those of carnivores and even compared to vegetarian primates like gorillas and orangutans. Our tiny canine teeth are better suited to biting into fruits than tearing through tough hides. We have flat molars and long digestive tracts that are suited to diets of vegetables, fruits, and grains.

Oh, okay. Our canines are built for biting into fruit. This is one of the dumbest things they've said yet. And last I checked, we're not carnivores OR herbivores, we're OMNIVORES. We have evolved to eat both plants AND meat.

Hey PeTA: For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three. Does that make me a murderer? Does it make me immoral? Does it put me on the same level as Hitler and Stalin? Tough shit.

There's a holocaust on my plate, and it sure is scrumptious. Yum!

Forum Sociology

One of my favorite pastimes for the past five years or so has been internet debate. I argue about anything from theology to cars, politics to fast food, television to morality. I do it deftly and constructively, and have found it to be an excellent mental exercise. I spend much of my time these days teaching others how to debate and put forth their opinion properly, instead of just posting "OMG OMG YUO LUV TEH C OCK!!!!1111" whenever they disagree with others.

In my endeavors, I've learned many things, not the least of which is the diversity of people you encounter on message forums. Yet despite their divergence, they all basically fall into a handful of categories. Most people fit into more than one of the categories, which I'm about to list below. I've even given them my own names.

1. Impalpables: These are the guys who post all throughout the forums, yet you can never remember their usernames after you've logged off of the forums. Sometimes they just don't post often, others are complete "post-whores" that are forgettable simply because they rarely have anything interesting to say. Usually completely lacking in humor, yet at the same time not touchy or confrontational. They're just there. Impalpables make up a large percentage of forumites.

2. Trollers: Okay, I didn't name these guys. Everyone knows what trollers are, as they are the bane of any forum. Trollers post extreme points of view, usually in a forum that they know holds the opposite point of view, in an attempt to see how many people they can rile. For example, they might go onto a pro-choice message board and post "YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF BABY-MURDERING WHORES!", just to see how many people will get angry enough to reply to them. Trollers are typically just bored teenagers.
 
3. Superiorists: These guys are the ones that are too good for everything. These are the ones that reply to threads with comments like "Wow, you have no life", since obviously their turds are laced with gold and what "life" is to you is nothing to them. Or they might say "Man, you must be bored" if you post a long thread, since although it may entertain you, they just want to let you know what you're missing by not being them. These are the same ones who enter long debates and do nothing more than post pictures of retardates with the text "Arguing on the internet is like winning the Special Olympics: Even if you win, you're still retarded", as if there's anyone in the world who hasn't heard that saw 50 million times, and as if it has suddenly become less stupid than it's always been.
 
4. Me toos: Me toos are very quick to offer up their commentary, whether you want it or not. They're often also impalpables, except they hold the distinction of being far more scathing, in a simplistic sort of way. Me toos will often jump into the middle of a long debate and post something like "Wow, there sure is a lot of ignorance on the board tonight", and direct it at no one in particular. Me toos are often also trollers or superiorists, and could post their unwanted commentary either to turn both sides against them or to tell the posters how inferior they are, since they're doing something so crude as arguing.

5. Peacemakers: Peacemakers are similar to superiorists and me toos, but the motive is different. Peacemakers are generally nicer people, they just want to break up the argument so everyone can get along. Peace, brotherhood, and all that rot. It never works, but they're always there to try it again.

6. Link Masters: This is the category I fall into, for the most part. Link masters are people who enter a debate, and then bombard the people they're arguing with with links to back them up. Is someone on an automotive forum saying that you can't hot-rod a Chevrolet 305 V8? Link masters disagree, and then present the person with about ten links to people who have successfully hot-rodded the 305. Link masters aren't very common, but they end arguments quickly.

7. Anecdotals: Anecdotals are the antithesis of the link masters. They believe that you can't successfully argue a point, unless it's something that you have done yourself. If presented with links, these people will respond with something like "You loser. You can talk about what other people have done, but what have you done?", as if any particular person has done everything imaginable, and somehow anecdotal evidence over a message board is irrefutable.

8. Napoleon Bonamods: Or just "Bonamods", for short. Almost all, if not all, forums have at least one Bonamod...a moderator who is impressed with the petty amount of authority he's been given. They often outright troll other users, post very inflammatory responses to anyone who commits a minor infraction like double-posting, and will not hesitate to ban or remove posting priviledges from anyone for very trivial reasons. Bonamods are always male, and are typically very small or even sickly in real life...hence their attitude on the anonymous internet.

9. Alternators: Alternators, so named because tHeY lIkE tO aLtErNaTe CaPs are people who enjoy posting in all sorts of fancy ways. They use crazy multiple colors, often in the same post, and like to make their posts into complicated ASCII artwork, so show everyone how skilled they are in the useless arts. They're usually also impalpables.
 
10. Illiterates: Illiterates are the ones who can't spell, don't know punctuation, use poor grammar, are very touchy, and like to describe things they don't like as being "gay". Trollers are almost invariably illiterates, but not all illiterates are trollers. Some are perfectly normal people....they're just annoying. Sometimes also impalable. You will find illiterates on every forum, without exception.
 
11. Joes: Joes are the "nice guy" regulars who have been going to a particular forum for years, and are often "buddy buddy" with a group of other regulars. They're usually very polite, and often invite new users into their ranks. You will find Joes on every forum that sees heavy usage. Female Joes are stilled called Joes, for the record.
 
12. Egomaniacs: Most people that one argues with online who aren't link masters or anecdotals are egomaniacs. These are the ones who are so afraid to admit when they're wrong that they never will. No matter how many times they encounter logic or even concrete proof that they're wrong, they will continue to argue their closed-minded point of view. They will even resort to bragging about alleged wealth and celebrity status as a way to discredit you. Egomaniacs will always either debate indefinitely (I've seen some on Yahoo forums that have been going on for over six years) or - if enough other forumites begin to laugh at them - they will finally slink away sheepishly.
 
That's all. Twelve groups. Which do you fit in?

Gaming for the New Millenium

Aren't video games great? Here we have a rapidly-growing sector that for the few years has made more money than the movie industry. And now, more than ever, manufacturers are lining up more and more movie-licensed games, off-the-wall ideas, and rehashes of old ideas to cash in on the number of pimply-faced teenagers and nerdy thirtysomethings that spend a gazillion dollars a year on them. Why not join their ranks? Spend your hard-earned cash and get away from your boring-ass life.

Of course, if you do that, you'll need to know what all the hottest new games are, and that's where I fit in. Thanks to my years of experience as a game consumer, I know all the games that will be released in the next few years, much like how an experienced stock broker can flawlessly predict the market.

So without further ado, here's the full list of the top selling games of the next two years:

Timemasters Splitter Dark Code: The Invisible Omega Conspiracy. This futuristic first-person shooter tells the tale of a young federal agent who is caught in the middle of a hidden war between Coca-Cola and Pepsico in the year 2020. Combining dark atmosphere (ie, you can't see the game in the daytime due to glare on your screen) with massive, full 3D environments (every level that isn't in a dark grey warehouse full of pipes is in a dark grey alley full of pipes or a massive luxury apartment, which is dark grey and full of pipes), TSDC: TIOC will provide over 40 hours of continous gameplay, along with 20 hours of CG cutscenes that you can't skip over, featuring nonprofessional actors reading even less professional dialogue.

Gran Turismo 5. Forget the upcoming GT4, let's talk the next game in the series. GT5 will feature over 500 Japanese cars, along with 3 American cars and one model built no one's ever heard of, which is built in Slovakia. It will feature total graphical rehashes of every single track that was in previous games, including the fifth incarnation of Grand Valley Speedway. Bless their hearts, they will still be attempting to incorporate all-important Rally racing into the game, even though nobody played those modes in Gran Turismo 2 or 3 except for a handful of French Citroen enthusiasts. And as we all know, the true measure of a performance car is the ability to go off-road. It will also feature licensed tracks by Radiohead, John Mayer, the Rolling Stones, Beyonce, and other terrible artists that don't at all fit the world of high-speed racing, but sound really impressive because they have high licensing fees.

Need for Speed Underground 3: Ghetto Blaster. The biggest trend in gaming at the moment is the attempt to appeal to riceboy street racers, with no less than five games currently in the works. But here's one you probably don't know about. Ghetto Blaster will focus on the more realistic riceboy culture, rather than the glorified mega-buck magazine cars. It will feature several types of rattle-can primer paint, the ability to fix parts or install speakers using duct tape and bailing wire, a choice of several home-made bodykits made from rain gutters and garden edging, and a choice of thirty different race cars, including the 1989 Hyundai Excel, 1992 Chevrolet Cavalier, 1982 Mustang 4 cylinder, 1998 Ford Escort ZX2, and the ultimate race car...the 1987 Honda Civic DX 4 door.

Grand Theft Auto: Schwanz, Ohio. In still another rehash of the GTA3 game engine to cash in on the Grand Theft Auto name, GTA:SO will feature a hard hitting story of an ex-convinct (who still looks remarkably like Chris Isaak with a Neanderthal brow) moving to the (fictional) town of Schwanz, Ohio and finding it difficult to mend his ways. The game will feature bicycles, jackable earth-moving equipment, gum chewing, and the ability to control your character's bladder and bowel...which will naturally take people's minds off the fact that they're playing a rehash of GTA:3, which will fit perfectly next to its brothers GTA: Vice City and GTA: San Andreas. And like those games, this one will be called revolutionary until people actually play it.

Max Woo. This neo-noir crime thriller follows the story of Max Woo, an Asian cop whose life is torn asunder when some goons kill his parakeet. Features include bad Sam Spade-inspired dialogue, Hong Kong-inpired gunplay, and Steven Segal-inspired "super slow" kung-fu fighting. There's also a "fist time" feature to slow the fighting speed to a crawl, and a "bullet speed" feature that allows you to stare in fascination at numerous accurately modeled bullets flying into plaster walls and leaving accurate holes in them. Also features an "East Coast" soundtrack, whatever that means.

Dri4er: The fourth entry in the Driver franchise will have very few cars at all, despite the title, and will focus almost entirely on running and shooting, with over 80% of the missions devoted to shooting people. The game once again is no longer set in the 1970s, completely without explanation, and the cast is once again completely changed...for the fourth time. Featuring the voices of Lance Henriksen as Tanner, Will Smith as Jones, Tommy Lee Jones as the FBI agent who gets in their way, and Melanie Griffith as some bitch who serves as the villian. Rag-doll physics will be implemented, meaning enemies will fly 40 feet through the air every time you shoot them with a 9mm pistol, and particle effects will be used extensively, meaning sparks and mysterious black chunks fly out of your car every time you run into something.

Grease Pit Monkey Nuts. This whimsical combination of puzzle game and platform shooter will feature lots of cute monkeys with large weapons, some nuts that you have to arrange in a certain order, and incredibly repetitive puzzle game music. Make it through level 999 to finally unlock the special "Deez Nuts" mode, then complete 999 levels of that to unlock the special "Two Nuts" mode. Complete 999 levels of that and you win the game.

John Madden 2006. Sports games have to be re-released every year with "updated rosters", because sports fans don't want to play a game that's two years old and has a guy playing for Dallas that's now playing for San Diego. No, they want to spend another $50 each year to rectify that, so they can have a perfect sports experience. As such, Madden 2006 will be the exact same thing as Madden 2005, but with one or two people on different teams. But the important thing is that every sports fan will buy it, and nobody will ever play Madden 2005 ever again. And when Madden 2007 comes out, nobody will ever play Madden 2006 again either.

Start saving your money now...these games are going to be huge. In fact, you'd best reserve a copy of them right now.