Right vs. Left political ads

If you've been watching TV lately, especially any of the news networks, you've probably seen campaign ads for our Democratic and Republican presidential candidates. And, like me, you're probably getting sick of them.

The right wing ads are always an attack on the Democrats. You get a slow motion shot of W. Bush walking with a determined smirk on his monkey-looking face, and then he mysteriously speaks without moving his lips:

I'm George W. Bush. And I approve this message.

I didn't know the Republicans were going so far as to elect ventriloquists now. It's really quite remarkable. Especially not ones that move in slow motion.

Then it gets to the actual ad, which I've reproduced here, verbatim:

John Kerry na na na nanana nana na
John Kerry na na na nanana na na nana
John Kerry na nana nana nana na na nanana
This year, the choice is clear: Somebody other than John Kerry.

On the right side of this, the Democrat ads don't typically attack Bush. Kerry does enough of that in public. No, the typical Democrat ad has droopy-ass Kerry talking and waving his hands about enthusiastically to a group of grinning black people.

Two weeks ago, in the first of a series of speeches, I set out my proposal to legalize eating puppies for dinner. Activists may complain, but a puppy that lives past suppertime should not be put at a competitive disadvantage because a puppy that dies can defer paying its taxes - perhaps forever. That's the law today; in fact, our taxpayers even spend $2 a year to subsidize the export of dogs. If I am President, I will fight to change that law. First - then free in-home enemas to everyone named "Herbert".

Several shots of the crowd smiling and nodding their heads...I mean, come on, they're black. Naturally they'll vote Democrat, no matter what. Or at least that's what the commericial suggests.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the United States of America, I think it's high time to elect a third party president. Really. And you may say that it's throwing your vote away, but everyone else is saying the same thing. Someone has to get us started.

OMG ME = SIENTIST!

Americans don't know jack about science. This is universally known. Like, you know, all over the universe. So despondent am I that the average citizen is ignorant of even the most basic science, I'm going to lecture you on science, because I am a Rennisa...Reson...Rennaisan...dammit, I'm one of those guys who does a lot of stuff. We'll start with Physics 101.

Centrifugal force isn't a force, it's the impression of force created by intertia and tangency. So you take the variable "X", and that's really a letter that fits in between "W" and "Y", and you take the variable "Y", and that's a very good question, because I don't know. But someone does. Therefore, one could postulate that 52 factorial equals a deck of ordinary household playing cards, face up, pick a card. Any card. Is this your card? No? Well I'm new at this trick. What's more: Factors of prime numbers are astronomical, because they have lots of numbers in them, and are therefore clearly a budget. Thus, centrifugal force doesn't exist. Unless you bend time and space.

Bending time and space IS theoretically possible...or if you have a wormhole, keep one end on Earth, and send the other one on a 100 year space flight, when it returns, you'll be able to send stuff back through time from the travelled end to the stationary one. However, bending time and space cannot be possible because the technology isn't there yet. And our atmosphere doesn't have fuel-injection. Therefore, the variable "X" is a train leaving Denver at 9:55 am going 5 mph, and the variable "Y" is a train leaving Denver 9 hours later going 18 times the speed of light. The major question: Which one will reach San Francisco first, and which one will Clint Eastwood board? This proves that wormholes can only collapse when their is no worm in them to give them their shape. So take the worm out and stomp really hard. Use a spade if necessary. Plant seeds and cover. Rinse and repeat. No purchase necessary, unless you are very young and have had a lobotomy. Pets and children welcome. Thusly I pontificate.

There...wasn't that nice? Don't you feel more smarty than you used to? Now go out and cause world peace.

.

Murky Depth put the lead back into paint chips!

Life's Mysteries, Plus Some Pringles

I sure am updating a lot this month. Don't know why, either. Maybe the warm weather makes me talkative.

This is surreal. I'm currently sitting in front of the computer watching traffic pass on the highway outside of the window to my left. Below the window is my printer, and resting on the uneven surface of the printer is sitting a can of Ranch-Rageous Pringles. The air conditioner is blowing against the can, which is making it rock slightly. The surreal part is that I'm listening to "Requiem" by the Rev. Brendan Powell Smith, and the rocking Pringles can is keeping perfect tempo with the music.

Perhaps it's picking up the reverberating sound waves of the Polk Audio speakers contained in the general vicinity, causing it to rock in the manner which I have described. I suppose it's one of those questions for the ages. Definitely in the top ten, anyway.

The Top 10 Greatest Questions

10. Why do nearly all female musicians suck?
9. What is HAARP really for?
8. What is the AARP really for?
7. Why is Jennifer Lopez's ass so huge?
6. Why do some guys obsess so much over their penis size?
5. What ever happened to Eddie Money?
4. What the hell is with that can of Pringles?
3. Why do people think Colin Quinn is funny?
2. Why are American politics so boring?
1. What about love? Don't you want someone to care about you?

Think about those carefully. It might help if you get into the lotus position and close your eyes. Try humming a lot, too. If you can answer any of these questions, you have reached enlightenment.

Pugnacious Kerfuffle

Cell phones are now wireless phones. We don't know why, apparently they don't use the cellular system for setting up towers anymore. So now they're "wireless". Screw you, they're cell phones. It's still the same dipshit junk-buckets walking around in Wal-Mart yapping on them about where they are right now. Ever notice that? If you ever pass somebody in Wal-Mart talking on a cell phone, notice that they're always saying "Yeah, I'm in Wal-Mart right now" into it. They do it every time. I don't think they're even talking to anyone. They're just pretending to so everyone will think that they're upper-middle class, when in fact they're lower-middle class. Portable phones still have that early '90s prestige attached to them. AND WHY THE HELL DO THEY PLAY MUSIC? Couldn't they just ring? And if it's a song you really like, would you want to hear the whole thing, rather than answer your phone?

Grossly fat people suck. Fad dieters suck, too, but I'm really getting tired of these fat-asses who weigh so much that they can't walk, so they sit on their lard in wheelchairs while stuffing their fat fucking faces with Big Mac. "Excuse me, ma'am, did I get in the way of your ASS? YOU'RE TAKING UP THE WHOLE RESTAURANT!" Tell them to lose some weight, or else get somebody to wheel them through the drive-through. Of off a cliff. I wouldn't miss them.

I get so tired of high school graduates making angst-filled comments about deciding what college they'll go to. Just go to any of them. No one pays attention to what college your degree comes from, as long as you have one. Feel friggin' priviledged to be able to go to a college in the first place, some of us aren't able to. And quit arguing with your parents about it. Especially if they're the ones paying for it. Count your lucky stars and just go to one of them. And parents, if your kid is hell-bent on going to college in Stumpfuck Ohio, by all means let them. Don't try to influence them to go to the same college you did to carry on some goofy family tradition you made up.

I feel a lot better now. I may have to do more of these in the future.



Psst...between you and me, I think Skid's lost it.

Overhaul THIS!

So I'm watching TLC, and I catch this show called Overhaulin', apparently the point of which is to steal someone's car and then return it customized.

I say again: They STEAL it, then return it, TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Am I the only one who really questions the morality of this? Not only do they take the car without permission, but they elaborately set up Candid Camera-style pranks to make the person believe the car has been stolen, smuggled, stripped, repossessed, or whatever. Fans of the show seem to really get off on seeing these poor people practically in tears over their missing cars (since they always target someone who absolutely loves his/her car).

The message boards on the show's site are equally dopey. Among the long strings of "How do you get on the show" topics (why don't they use the "show application" on the main page) and "Help! I'm overhauling a '57 DeSoto and am too lazy to finish it" (again with the application) topics, you have one or two people who have actually brought up the possible altercations of stealing and altering a car without the owners permission. The replies they get range from "Well, they were signed up for the show by their neighbors, so that makes it okay", to "Well, the police were in on, so it wasn't illegal", to this doozie here:

It's people like you that spoil the fun for everyone else. You are like the kid who reminded the teacher they forgot to give the homework assignment out 30 seconds before the bell rang. Why don't you crawl into a hole and lament with your miserable self while the rest of us (including the kid with a bad a** truck) enjoy life, and the things others sacrifice to make us smile.

Oh yeah. The producers were making such a sacrifice to make them smile. Needless to say, after reading that inane shit, I'm now posting on the boards. My opinion is only one of the services I offer freely.

In the episode of the show I saw, the kid whose truck was stolen had already mildly customized his truck with some add-ons like an antenna ball and decals, all of which the build team promptly destroyed. You know, if the guy spent money on that stuff, chances are he wanted it there. At least have the decency to replace the stuff you break. Better still, don't steal it the first place...get the owners permission, like on MTVs Pimp My Ride. Except, you know, make it actually GOOD.

In short, Overhaulin' sucks. That is all.