Anatomy of an Automotive Train Wreck

 Following the automotive world on these here interwebs for as long as I have, I've seen unusual cars come and go. Those of you too young to remember the pre-Reddit/Twitter era won't remember it, but once upon a time, every automotive niche had its own website with its own UBB forum. And on those forums, automotive lore would quickly jump from one site to another. 

John Hennessey has a meltdown and starts calling one of his customers a "nutswinger?" That customer has a Chrysler 300. He tells members of the Chrysler 300 forum. One member of that forum is also a member of the Jeep Cherokee forums, so he spreads the story there. Soon the story goes to the Dodge Charger forums. Most of Hennessey's customers drive Vipers, so naturally it spreads to the Viper forums. Forums for completely unrelated brands - and even non-automotive forums - are soon also spreading the story, linking to the original forum, and everyone is talking about it. Internet lore is propagated. There are countless incidents from back in the day: 

• The Suzuki GSX-R rider who stopped at a gas station to put NOS fuel additive in his bike, only to realize too late that he had put NOS energy drink (!) in the tank. 
• The Honda Prelude owner who decided to port his engine by "sand-blasting it," meaning putting a bag of sand up to his throttle body and having his buddy rev the engine ("Now it won't start? Does anyone know what I should do?"). 
• A Spanish wannabe-tuning outfit calling itself "Cracker Competicio," which built a Mitsubishi Eclipse (the "Eclipse Proway Project") in the most bodged-up way possible, including not replacing rings or gaskets for the high-mileage engine, installing a new crank without measuring or plastigauging the bearings, painting over the door window mechanisms, and most egregiously, filing "sin grooves" into the cylinder head - ostensibly intended to be Singh grooves - without measuring or even spacing them.
• Or one of my all-time favorites, a fresh-faced amateur engineer who posted to the GM Modern Muscle forum and announced that he had invented a new form of aspiration, which he dubbed DEI - Direct Exhaust Injection, and even uploaded this proof of concept

The automotive equivalent of routing your colon directly to your mouth

And yes, based on his defensive reactions when the other users laughed at him, I think he was entirely serious. 

One of these that I recently recalled was a certain ever-evolving monstrosity documented in photographs from the Fort Worth, Texas area. I first saw it on Ricecop's Rice or Not, a site which against all sanity I still visit and post on in 2022, despite being one of only about five people still regularly doing so.

So here's how it starts: In 2005, a member there posts the following image, which he got from another forum (natch), and none of us can believe our eyes.

Were you fooled into thinking it was a Corvette?

At the time, nobody even knew what this thing was. Just looking at the shape, I kept thinking it could have been a Renault Fuego, but the joke was on me: Renault Fuegos all stopped existing long before 2005.

So the various automotive fora spread this oddity, had a laugh, and then moved on to the next laughing stock. But this thing wasn't done. It...evolved. Fast forward one year.

GAH!

Well, beyond the obvious change of the new red, white, and blue paint scheme, now we know what those two random antennae sticking up from the back of the car were. They were braces for that strange, multi-level Cosworth-style rear wing assembly. Other photos of this thing started popping up.

A member of a certain Honda forum finally got too curious, and apparently either being or having access to a private investigator, looked up the license plate. The car was apparently registered to a woman named "Stormy," and the mystery of the car's original manufacture was finally solved: It's a 1986 Acura Integra. A rare photo of the front taken not long after this made this a bit more obvious.

You can see the Acura trapped inside if you look at the front edge of the hood on those pop-up headlights.

Now we move ahead four years: 2010, for those of you keeping track. Although there's no telling what happened to the Acura all of this crap was stuck on, a photo surfaces of that same red, white, and blue Corvette rear stuck to the back of an unsuspecting GMC Sonoma, stretched to fit with lots of black streaks of fiberglass filler.

In my quest to find the photos of this thing for this blog entry, I unfortunately was not able to find this picture, though I can still clearly remember it. I was however, able to find the next evolution, from not long afterwards, where the rear has now been primered black and the truck has suddenly spawned three wings, including one on the roof.

The aerodynamics aren't the only thing that's a drag.

Move ahead another 2 or 3 years. Now the whole truck is primered, covered in random strakes and scoops, and has a 5th generation Camaro front. The truck is also being posted on the brave (at the time) new world of Reddit, and a low-res video of it even popped up on YouTube.

What in the name of SANITY?

It's not done, though. Far from it. Not long after, the thing popped up for sale in the Facebook marketplace for $10,000, with a claimed $15,000 invested. The truck also seems to have gained some hood louvers since the last picture.

8 people liked this, though we're not sure why.

A picture of the rear from around this time doesn't reveal much new, other than apparent Chevrolet emblems now cut into the fiberglass beneath the taillights.

Finally, around 2015, the final images of this thing hit the internets, being covered by the likes of Jalopnik (the blue-haired SJW Gawker bitch-fest posing as a car blog). 

Are those supposed to be turbo scoops, or its EYES? Also, is that the shape of Texas cut into the center of the hood scoop?

This seems to be where the story ends, at least as far as I can follow the thread. But for all I know, this vehicle could still be out there, ever-changing, turned into something I can no longer even tie to its earlier form. Perhaps, as with its earlier change from the Integra, pieces of it live on in a third car or truck.

Who could even speculate? Or dare to dream?

Until next time....

Girl Watching

 

This is a crop of a much larger photograph of a Detroit street corner in 1905. While I suspect that the fellow is looking down the street instead of at the passing woman, it's fun to imagine him caught in a more compromising candid moment.

Naturally, looking at images like this today makes me ponder the ghosts of our past: Not just the people, but also the places long gone.

The building is the Cincinnati, Hamilton, and Dayton Railroad Office, at the northwest corner of Woodward and Jefferson. None of this is still here; this lot today houses a giant mid-century skyscraper, One Woodward Avenue.

The full image

In any case, it struck me, so it's here. Until next time, kids.

Awakening From My Slumber

 Geez Louise, has it really been over eleven years since this blog was updated? 

Besides concentrating more on real life (which frankly, all of us should do), I've also wasted time on social media and attempted to jump-start my YouTube channel every couple of years. Somehow, this blog fell by the wayside in that time.

While I always got the impression that I wrote this blog for maybe four people, Blogspot tells me that about 75 people a month are still looking at it. That's more than look at anything else I do online. Mostly people cruising in through Google searches, no doubt, but I should still do something with those views. Hello, random people.

For anyone revisting, you may notice a few changes here. The outdated format has been yeeted in favor of something a bit more managable, and the godawful pond-scum-green-and-orange color scheme is gone. While that did seem appropriate for a blog called "Murky Depth," I have to appreciate that people have EYES.

I also no longer use the tagline "Rants and Ruminations of an Acrimonious Young Man." For one thing, while still managing to be under 40 doesn't quite make me an old bastard, I'm not totally comfortable calling myself "young" anymore, either. Also, I've lost quite a bit of interest in "ranting." That was a holdover from the old days of the internet, when everyone was trying to channel George Carlin and Dennis Leary, yet forgetting that rants have to be FUNNY to be entertaining. 

My old "Pugnacious Kerfuffle" format, however, where I simply post about three random things that bug me with no through-line between them, may still be around: For some reason, I'm awfully attached to it. I'm also more interested in goofy creative writing projects here in the future....except for "We Three Kings" of course. I don't know where the hell I was going with that one. I'm not sure I ever did. It seemed to be a one-joke premise (they're all named King, get it?) that didn't evolve as it should. Still some funny dialogue, though.

I've become far more interested in ephemera, so you may see updates in the future about random things that interest me. Cars, firearms, history, or just goofy memes that make you facepalm. Who knows?

You may also see more connections to my YouTube channel in the future: Posts that combine video and audio.

This rebirth will be a process, but Phoenix, ashes, all that jazz. See you guys really soon....

Rat-tarded

Today I'm going to break my streak of "multiple parts of a retarded story that nobody cares about" and go back to writing about something that bugs me. And this rant is inspired by a video I saw recently, of a pit bull puppy playing with a rat. Or more appropriately by the comments left on it.

Here is the video in question: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbPW6iF98eo

Seems innocent enough, at least to me. A pit bull puppy playing with a rat, perhaps a bit roughly, and then the rat runs away. Cute, really. But not to the self-righteous, passive-aggressive masses. Below is a sampling of some of the wonderful comments left on this video:


From doggpower2233:

yes i have had rats for 9 year when they spueaks it hurt or pissed god ur so grrr poor thing i hope ur rat bites u in the face

I have to be honest: For a moment, I thought "god ur so grrr poor thing" was some sort of expression of sympathy to the poster of the video, but then was blindsided by "i hope ur rat bites u in the face." Wow, I'll bet that would show 'em, wouldn't it? The rat, obviously being completely cognizant of whatever the fuck it was about this video that offended YouTube champ "doggpower2233," should punish its owner with a "bite to u face."


But it gets worse. From bradrats:

poor little rat i hope u die!!!!! u should not own them if ur gunna do that ur evil and die in hell u bastard!!!!! u r so crule to animals

Wait a minute....did he just wish death on the poor little rat? And he wants it to die in hell? Don't you have to die first, in order to go to hell? Or have I forgotten my Judeo-Christian teachings somewhere along the way? In any case, he's quick to point out (apparently still to the rat) that it's "crule" to animals....and what could be worse than that?


Well, this comment from LodernaiVicious, for starters:

If you were my child I would have kicked you in the head and taken your pets to a shelter. Both pup and rat were in danger, you moron...

Yes, and your child would be in no way in danger if you kicked him in the fucking head. Sounds like a real stand up guy....


Then here's some wannabe rat psychology, courtesy of costernocht:

If the rat is squeaking, it's being hurt. This is cruel.

Rats only squeak when they're in pain. Duly noted.


Some obliqueness, courtesy of theLORDofSKATE:

YOU TIGHT BASTARD

.....is that a compliment?


Some self-importance from CahillandDelene:

Just the title this person chose says volumes. Fighting for survival. Pit bulls should be banned everywhere. And rats are wonderful pets. This poster is a jerk and trying to get away with something that looks "cute".

Yeah? Well I think rats should be banned everywhere, and pit bulls make wonderful pets. Enjoy your fucking bubonic plague.


A comment from the somehow appropriately named EvilSnooche:

Dude ur retarded..did YOU watch the video? Poor rat was getting mauled with no where do go until the end there where it finally got away.... Animal right faggots? I hope one day u get eaten alive by coyotes. I bet more ignorant people like u will be calling others human rights faggots too. now go back to ur deluxe trailer.

First of all, I won't even address the irony of "ur retarded." Second, to say the rat was getting mauled, when it pretty fucking obviously wasn't injured, it ridiculous. I'm guessing this winner hasn't actually seen a proper "mauling" in his life. And third, you don't get to compare animal rights to human rights when you just wished for a human to be eaten alive by coyotes.

As for the "deluxe trailer" comment, I have no idea, though I can only assume it's some sort of dig at someone being poor, as if EvilSnooche hadn't already shown himself to enough of an insult to mankind in general with the rest of his post.


Then there's DBNskiller:

Dude if i ever meat you in real life you dont wanna know how badly i fuck you up, believe me i would swear to god ill rip your eyeballs out and shit on them.

WARNING: INTERNET TOUGH GUY AHEAD.

And easy to say, too, considering the video poster is from South Africa and DBNskiller is from the Netherlands, at least according to both of their profiles. It's always easy to threaten somebody you'll never have any chance of meeting.


I was surprised at the following timely, intelligent, and well-thought out comment courtesy of Banger606:

You're a fucking bastard. You're a fucking bastard. A shit fuck too. You're a fucking bastard. You're a fucking bastard ...

It's Not Funny !!! piss die mother fucker die mother fucker!!!

Gee, do you think he believes the video poster to be a fucking bastard? Or indeed, a shit fuck?


Wishful thinking from KakaoAndWhippedCream:

I hope you die.

No, not the rat nor the dog. just YOU.

Unfortunately, KakaoAndWhippedCream, they're all going to die, eventually. Hope you're okay with that.


From oliverotcasek:

I hope you die but before that know everyone hates you.

Well, oliverotcasek, I KNOW you'll die eventually, assuming you're mortal. And sometime before you do, I hope you realize that someone has preserved your idiotic, spiteful comment and posted your YouTube ID along with it.


A direct threat from the ironically named noneofyourbusiness65:

you mean person!! im thinking of calling animal rights activists on your behind!!!!!!!!

Scary....


More helmet-wearing mental retardation, from thes0rleymussed:

That is not harmless play-it's toying with that rat. It would have eventually killed it-with stress if nothing else. I really hope you get raped by a fucking 6 foot 20 stone bubba..see how it feels, you fucking ride cunt bitch whore animal abuser. BURN IN HELL, CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!!

If there's one thing I can't help but notice in these comments, it's people making incredibly sadistic and inhumane comments at someone they perceive to be sadistic and inhumane.

Now I ask you, which is worse: Letting a rat and a puppy play roughly, or telling a woman you hope she gets RAPED and calling her a cunt, among other things? I know the answer to that, and I'm hoping you know the answer to that, but thes0rleymussed? He doesn't, and the world is worse off for having him in it. And the world is worse off still for someone who abuses the exclamation point so severely. Look at how angry I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Closing, I think this quote from djabsy1 sums it all up perfectly:

THAT IS SHOCKEN !!!!

And there you have it. Somebody sees a video that reflects something he or she personally would not do, and then goes into full-on self-righteousness mode, appalled at how "SHOCKEN" it all seems to someone who has never seen it. A normal person would say, "Gee, the Orkin man is more of a danger to rats than this person," yet sadly, most people are far from reasonable.

In short, if you're so worked up over a YouTube video that doesn't depict anything abnormally harsh that you actually wish DEATH upon the person who uploaded it, then you you need to grow the fuck up. A rat is a goddamn rat, and while I don't condone genuine cruelty to them, you're not going to hurt their feelings or traumatize them for life by letting a dog play with them. Stop anthropomorphizing your pet vermin; life isn't a cartoon.

Pictured: Not real life

We Three Kings: Fellowship of the Kings

Holy shit, I'm still alive! Yeah, I slipped a little there. Anyway, I'm going to get back to updating this blog now. More random humor and gripe articles are likely forthcoming....but in the meantime, it's time to check back in to this pointless spy action story that for some reason I'm determined to finish.

"Is there any hors d'oeuvres?" Don said as he dug around in the miniature refrigerator. "I like me some hors d'oeuvres."

Stephen sat on the cheap, button-tufted wing back chair on the opposite end of the green room, arms crossed and eyes closed. He opened his eyes and sighed.

"Just sit down, Don. You're like a little kid half the time."

"Fuck off, Steve," Don said as he settled on a bottle of Coke and slammed the refrigerator closed. "My ass is hungry."

"Okay," Stephen said patiently. "What would your ass like to eat?"

"I done told you," Don said as he took one drink, screwed the cap back on the bottle, and threw it across the room. "Hors d'oeuvres."

"So what, you're expecting a party tray or something?"

Don fell heavily into the chair next to Stephen and narrowed his eyes at him. "The fuck's you talkin' about?"

"Hors d'oeurves don't just come anywhere. You serve them on trays at parties."

"You so full of shit," Don scoffed. "I get hors d'oeuvres all the time at the grocery store. Frozen. I heat 'em up in the microwave."

"I think you're confusing 'hors d'oeuvres' with 'snack food,' Don," Stephen said patiently.

"Same fuckin' thing, dumb fuck. 'Hors d'oeuvres' is a fancy way of saying 'snack food.'"

Before Stephen could retort, the door to the green room swung open, and with the swagger of an old gunfighter, in walked the man, the myth, the legend: Larry, the oldest living King. Stephen and Don both stood immediately to formally great him, but Larry waved them off.

"Save it, fellas," Larry said dismissively. "Now I need to know why you're here. And I don't want to hear anything about SCEPTER sending us on another mission. I'm retired. From that, anyway."

"Yeah, when did your ass retire?" Don asked. "I didn't get the memo."

Larry hesitated, then: "Well, I guess I took it for granted that agents leave the field once they turn eighty. I figured you all knew."

"So you're eighty?" Stephen asked.

Larry grinned. "I'm not falling for this one. Nobody knows this old boy's age except the old boy himself. Now, what can I do for you gentlemen?"

"Well, I think you already know," Stephen said. "SCEPTER. I haven't been briefed yet, but Don knows about it."

Larry looked to Don, who shook his head and pulled a cigar from his pocket.

"They told me they want to do the briefing," Don said as he bit the end off and took out his lighter. "I ain't supposed to say shit."

"You're not supposed to smoke in the green room, sir," Larry said pointedly.

Don struck his lighter and paused, looking up at Larry, the unlit cigar still dangling from his lips. He snorted, then lit it anyway.

"Fine then. I can see we're not playing nice," Larry said. "Why exactly do they have to tell us themselves?"

"Knowing SCEPTER, so it will be more dramatic," Stephen sighed.

"I'm the attestation of privileged information," Don said between puffs. "I got it, ya'll don't."

"What's the deal with him, anyway?" Larry asked Stephen, pointing a thumb at Don. "Kind of a pissy mood."

"Yeah, you'll have to excuse him," Stephen said. "He just drove cross country, twice. Three times, if you count laterally as 'cross country.'"

"And ya'll don't have no hors d'oeuvres," Don fumed.

Larry nodded at this, then did a double take. "Wait, what?"

"Do you still have the Larrycopter?" Stephen asked hopefully.

Larry shook his head. "No. I got rid of that when I retired."

"Shit. Looks like we're still stuck traveling in Don's Pimpwagon."

"I done told your ass," Don growled, blowing smoke in Stephen's face for effect. "It's called the Big Ticket."

"Yeah," Stephen scoffed. "Named after all those unpaid citations in your glove compartment."

"I can pay off that shit any time I want," Don muttered, jamming his cigar back into his mouth.

"Alright, fine," Larry said. "So we're going to DC then, I guess, and we're going in the Big Ticket."

Stephen and Don both nodded simultaneously.

"Great," Larry continued, with a hint of sarcasm. "I'll get Kathy Griffin or Bob Costas to sit in for me the next couple of nights. Let's get this over with."

Larry stepped aside and motioned for Don and Stephen to walk ahead of him. He hesitated before following them out.

"Why do I have such a bad feeling about this?" Larry muttered under his breath.

"Problem?" Stephen called from down the hallway.

"No, no problem," Larry called back as he left the room, the door swinging closed behind him.