The Boob Tube

Nothing's on television. Nothing is ever on television. What passes as entertainment for most people often leaves me scratching my head and saying "HUH?". I sometimes wonder is the entire world small minded for watching stupid sitcoms with light-hearted family humor, or if I'm small minded for demanding action, car chases, and explosions. I usually determine the former group is dumber, because family humor is stupid - whereas to deny ourselves chaos, mayhem, and the suffering of others is to deny what makes us human. Simple enough conclusion, but the thought still creeps across me once in awhile.

So I have decided to list a few of the TV shows I like to watch, followed by shows I despise. If you do not see your favorite show mentioned here, please do not get angry that I have forgotten it. Truth is, I probably haven't forgotten it, I probably just don't fucking like it but don't hate it enough to mention it. You simple-minded prick.

Shows that are coolness:

Mythbusters - Colorful special effects gurus Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage build things, smash things, beat each other over the heads, and blow shit up in the name of science...all the while acting like Jim Carrey on speed. And unseen narrarator bad mouths their appearance, their work ethic, their mothers, and their libido while they build scale models and full sized recreations to prove or disprove urban legends, such as determining whether dog piss can make baking soda explode.

Pros:

Engaging hosts, funny as hell, things get destroyed, and above all it's educational.

Cons:

Most episodes don't hold up well to multiple viewings. Sometimes the tests are obviously flawed.

The X-Files - Who doesn't know this one? Two FBI agents, one male and one female (oooh...sexual tension), attempt to solve paranormal mysteries all over the country for the FBI's secret "X-Files". Will it be a monster of the week, or a mytharc episode exploring the depth of the government's involvement with extraterrestrials? Who IS that smoking man? The show's over now, but I still watch re-runs sometimes. I was a big fan of of TXF when it was still on (actually right from the first episode back in '93), and it never quite rubbed off.

Pros:

Great dialogue and direction...very atmospheric. The first episodes had a great "clever use of low-budget" feel to them. Inventive. Mark Snow's scoring was the best television has had since Angelo Badalamenti's work on Twin Peaks.

Cons:

Underacting abound. The show got pretty bad in it's final few seasons...I stopped watching it during the final year.

Ghosthunters - I'm a big paranormal enthusiast (although I'm something of a skeptic), and ghost hunting was a hobby of mine in high school. So you can imagine my excitement when I discovered that the Sci-Fi channel was going start a series that followed a ghost-hunting team (in this case TAPS - The Atlantic Paranomal Society - which is a group I had heard of before) on their normal routine as they attempt to gather evidence in haunted places. What I'm greeted with is a bunch of goofy bastards running around on infrared camera bitching at each other about not being able to find the house when they were driving there three hours earlier. Well, if you want reality, there it is.

Pros:

The show doesn't appear to be heavily staged like most reality shows. Some episodes end up with no evidence or inconclusive evidence. Actually kind of creepy.

Cons:

The investigators themselves aren't exactly objective (one of them is a "demonologist"? What the hell?). Way too many scenes of the pussy-whipped group leaders trying to convince their wives to let them go ghost hunting. The team is totally made up of unlikable jackasses that would be best off lying dead at the bottom of a crater somewhere.

World's Scariest Police Chases, World's Wildest Police Videos, Police Videos, et all. - A car thief in a black IROC Camaro is flying down a stretch of Georgia Interstate. The dash camera in the pursuing police cruiser captures the moment as the Camaro hits speeds in excess of 120 mph, starts leaving the cruiser behind, then loses control and flies head first into a big tree. All the while white-haired prune cock-knocker Sherrif John Bunnell gives his overemotive, smart-assed commentary from behind clenched pearly whites: "Another high performance car with a low performance driver. Now this punk with no respect for other peoples' property will end up someone else's property in a state penitentiary." Lots of crazy action, true crime, and douchebag cops caught on camera.

Pros:

Terribly exciting and violent. Fun to root for the criminals. John Bunnell is funny.

Cons:

The show has too much social conscience, rarely showing the (more common that you would think) videos where the criminals get away. Brown-noses cops way too much. John Bunnell is still a cock-knocker.

Penn & Teller: Bullshit! - I could actually spend all day just writing about the Showtime series (serieses?) that I watch, because they probably have overall the best lineup of any network. But I'll only cover one: Smartass extraordinares Penn & Teller take every bullshit thing that some people believe in...from psychic powers to global warming to God...then explain why it isn't real. Great science and logic backs up everything they do. And best of all: Believers in these things get REALLY pissed about this show.

Pros:

See the pros for Mythbusters, only subtract "things getting destroyed".

Cons:

Occasional gaps in logic. The show is only half an hour long.

CHiPs - This goes under "guilty pleasure". An infamous series that featured a white and a Hispanic duo of motorcycle cops (both of which juggled their police careers with their active bachelor lifestyles), CHiPs premiered in 1977 as an attempt to create the first realistic drama about a highway patrol department on television. Although it was successful at this to start with, the show eventually got gimmicky ("Now they're fighting a guy with a jetpack! Laser guns on the back of pickup trucks!"), and through it all, Ponch and John were never allowed to use their guns. Not once. They never even drew them. And I should also mention the weird effect the staged car crashes had on my childhood. Scenario: a white 1972 Ford Country Squire wagon rearends a blue 1968 Pontiac GTO, goes airborne, cuts a spiral, then lands on its roof and explodes. All of this in super slow-motion, set to twangy 1970s guitar music with synthesizer backing. This was some hip shit during the time.

Pros:

Chases, crashes, motorcycles, and cool 1970s haircuts. Cool late '60s and early '70s musclecars were cheap during this time period, so a lot of them were used on the show ("Hey! There's a '70 Dodge Super Bee back there!").

Cons:

Dopey storylines, especially later in the series. Bad dialogue. Bad "flatbed filming". Cool late '60s and early '70s musclecars were cheap during this time period, so a lot of them were destroyed on the show ("They just blew up a 1971 Trans Am! Bastards!").

Shows that blow:

Joan of Arcadia - Follows the adventures of a high school girl who talks to God. God tells her to do thing. Strange things, which somehow always end up for the better. Pat Robertson would be proud.

Pro:

At least it encourages people to ponder a subject most don't even want to think about.

Con:

Well, for starters, it's a preachy load of horse shit...

American Chopper - Follows a bunch of old flabby mamma's boys who pretend to act all badassed while they're building incredibly stupid-looking motorcycles. The shop is lead by "Paul Sr.", some grey haired asswipe biker who thinks he's hot shit but is overall about as intimidating as a double cheeseburger.

Pros:

Unless you like modern custom choppers: None.

Con:

Just stop bitching at each other already, you bilge-crapping ass-hats.

American Hot Rod - American Chopper, only following the day-to-day trials of Body Coddington's Hot Rod shop.

Pros:

See the Pros for American Chopper, only replace "choppers" with "hot rods".

Con:

See the Con for American Chopper.

Overhaulin' - Yeah, I devoted an entire entry to this one. Some dicksponge gets his car stolen by the show, they laugh as how beat-up it is, then proceed to destroy and rebuild it as something "cool", under the watchful eye of ultra-tacky billet aluminum worshipping hot-rodder Chip Foose. Then they give it back to the owner with an attitude of "Yeah, your car sucked, but now it's cool thanks to us. Bow down."

Pro:

At least the cars aren't junky anymore.

Cons:

Some moral questions. Annoying hosts. Chip Foose is almost as overrated as Troy Trepanier and Boyd Coddington. 9 times out of 10 the cars looked better when they were junky.

Tru Calling - Uber-hip CSI wannabe follows some dorky bint with a stupid name as she goes back in time to prevent murders from happening after hearing dead people talk to her. In the meantime she poses in tank tops and tries really hard to look like Jessica Alba. Yeah, that's the size of it.

Pro:

Good idea.

Con:

Bad execution.

Family Guy - This blatant Simpson's rip off was mercifully cancelled from Fox's lineup years ago, yet thanks to the cult following it has maintained since then, it's now scheduled to return. The rundown: A fat ugly dumb guy goes on fat ugly dumb guy adventures in a generic town inhabited with wacky characters, and is supported by his scratchy-voiced wife, his dipshit son, and his self-centered daughter, along with his mysteriously smart baby who never ages. Does this sound familiar yet? How anyone can so much as crack a smile at this show is a complete mystery to me.

Pros:

Occasionally interesting story ideas. The dog is cool.

Cons:

Cheesy animation, some of the most annoying voice acting in cartoon history, awful comic timing, almost totally unoriginal.

Seinfeld - Although long since ended, this show is still heralded as a masterpiece of subtle, sophisticated humor by people who wouldn't know subtle, sophisticated humor if they found it in a mailbox in an enveloped marked "Fragile: Subtle, sophisticated humor inside". Follows the adventures of Jerry Seinfeld as he worships Superman and deals with his dumbass neighbors.

Pros:

I applaud the attempt at subtle, sophisticated humor. The story elements were cleverly linked.

Cons:

Jerry Seinfeld is not funny. He never has been. The same goes for everyone else on the show. If you're going to make a show of this caliber, it would be beneficial to get funny people to act in it. Timing is crucial to good comedy.

There are probably more shows to add here, but I'm getting bored with this and it's definitely long enough right now, so I'll end it here. And as always, stay tuned for more bitching.

Monday People? Sheesh.

If you've read the past entries in my blog, you may remember the radio station I listen to: 93.5 "The Buzz". They were the ones running that whole "Fuck Cancer in the Ass" drive. 93.5 is owned by "The Radio People", some pissy little media conglomerate that apparently can't get enough employees. Quite a remarkable achievement in an area with such high unemployment. The Radio People have been playing ads begging for employees for at least two months now...and apparently still can't get them. If you ever heard their ads, you'd know why.

The spots feature nothing other than some redneck-ass sounding old woman talking. There are at least three of these ads. In one of them, she spends practically 2 minutes reading off a list of cliches (this is paraphrased):

It's never too late to change your station in life. There's no power in small goals. Your future starts tomorrow. The decisions you make now effect your life. The early bird gets the worm. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Loose lips sink ships. Six of one, half dozen of the other. Look before you leap. All employees must wash hands before returning to kitchen. You can ring my bell, ring my bell.

Finally she gets around to saying The Radio People are hiring. But just as bad is another ad, and the one I more often hear:

Pay attention: You may not hear this message again.
That's what you said the first time I heard it. And each subsequent time, as well.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Monday People and Sunday People.
I thought the two kinds of people in the world were males and females? Live people and dead people? Or maybe we're both oversimplifying.

Sunday People live completely for the weekend, and can't wait for the day to finish. Monday People can't wait for the week to begin. They love their jobs so much, they'd even do it for free if they didn't have to make a living. If you're a Monday person, we want to hear from you.
So in other words, you're looking for losers who immerse themselves completely in their jobs? People who would be willing to work for free? Bullshit. Can we say "unrealistic goal"?

Both ads end saying "Send us your resume, and a letter convincing us why you're the one for us". Ummm...I'm sorry, isn't determining which candidate is the correct one YOUR job? How the hell should I know if I'm qualified or not? The applicant sends his resume, you determine if he is qualified, and if he is, HIRE HIM. Isn't that the way it's always traditionally worked?

Hey Radio People...work on your bullshit a little, and maybe I'll consider gracing you with my resume. Until then, you can keep wondering why no one is joining your "team".

The Animated Adventures of a Retarded Cyborg Exhibitionist in a Position of Authority

Inspector Gadget scares the hell out of me. Always has. Like many members of Generation Y, it was one of the many cartoon shows I grew up on, and one of only a handful that has left an indelible imprint on my life. But not for the reason that the creators of the show would have ever wanted. Every time the show came on, I curled into the blanket at the top of my bunkbed as was instantly transported to a surreal, frightening world full of perverted androids and disfigured megalomaniacs, where every side character was actually a brainwashed, tattooed henchman. But before I get too far into this, allow me to present the facts behind the show for the sake of the uninitiated or any of you who might have forgotten it after 20 odd years.

Inspector Gadget was produced by DiC entertainment, which was responsible for many inventive yet poorly animated Saturday morning cartoons. It first appeared on some network or another in 1983, and enjoyed relative success (as far as cartoons go) until 1986.


The show follows the adventures of this guy. No, I'm not kidding. This is the hero. Hook nose, lethal chin, Peter Fonda-spec driving gloves, everything. Voiced by Don Addams of Get Smart, and is in fact exactly like Maxwell Smart...but he's a cyborg. Interesting twist, wouldn't you say? By the way, I don't know exactly what's going on in that picture, but it appears as though he's making a masturbatory gesture with his right hand while demonstrating his inadequate size with his left. The fact that he's wearing a flasher-spec trenchcoat doesn't help this image much.

Gadget works for "The Police". I assume it's supposed to be Interpol, given his globe trotting in every episode, but this is never specified. He has no coworkers, no office, and we never discover exactly what all of his employment benefits are. He drives "The Gadget Van", which is a strange-looking red, white, and blue van. Need to get somewhere fast? The Gadget Van can transform into a fast, '80s-tastic sports car, complete with balloon tires, federally-mandated black rubber bumpers, and sporty-looking slats over the rear window. How changing the external appearance of his vehicle can make it faster is never explained, but it does. One also wonders how heavy the vehicle is, given the extensive machinework required to make the transformation possible, but then again we are talking about a show where the main character has a red police light and a helicopter rotor wedged on either side of his pituitary gland.


Gadget's only real link to "The Police" is not Sting, but this guy. "The Chief", notable for the fact that he looks remarkably like a cross between John Ratzenburger and a white Danny Glover. "The Chief" delivers all of Gadget's assignments personally, which I would assume means "The Police" doesn't employ many people. This guy always drops by while Gadget is on vacation, usually cleverly disguised as a garbage can, mailbox, hot dog, hooker, or whatever. He hands Gadget a piece of paper with his assignment written on it (real high-tech), which will always self destruct in a set amount of time. Gadget always reads it, casually tosses it back to the chief, who then gets blown up and goes "ohhhhhhh". We're supposed to think that the cause of the chief's perpetual third degree burns is the fact that Gadget is a complete tool who can't get anything right, but I've always theorized that Gadget does it deliberately. After all, the guy is always interrupting his vacation.


The inspector's assignments always involve his nemesis somehow: Dr. Claw. Claw runs a international crime ring called "M.A.D". That's supposed to stand for something, but hell if I remember what. So what are these guys into? Smuggled industrial equipment? Cocaine? Money Laundering? Filipino snuff films? Well, it's something different every week, but it's usually something silly like hoarding all the world's water or attempting to turn lead into gold. Dr. Claw is always seen as a metal hand petting a creepy silver cat, while he sits in his totally goth office and monitors everything Gadget does on a TV screen (more on that later). He also has an impossibly gravely, "I've been smoking for 150 years" voice.


Gadget lives with his chucklefuck niece, Penny, who is incredibly perky and positive. She carries a computer with her everywhere, which is disguised as a nondescript purple schoolbook. Wow. She has a laptop. Give her a goddamn cookie.


Bringing up the rear of this crack team (with emphasis on "crack") is Brain, Penny's ultra-intelligent orange smart-assed dog. He's occasionally anthropomorphic, and can disguise himself as a person, albeit a very ugly person, to help save the day. One downside (really more like an upside, when you think about it) is that he can't talk. He just makes weird arfing noises which only Penny can decipher. Don't ask why. Just go with it.

Here's basically how it works: The gang goes on assignment to some "exotic" country (usually Sweden or somewhere), tool around in the Gadget Van for awhile, then meet some colorful local character, who always ends up having M.A.D.'s evil red cat logo tattooed on him/her somewhere. This always goes unnoticed by Gadget, but Penny usually sees it. Considering it's usually in living color right on the ankle or somewhere, I guess we can commend her for being marginally perceptive. Rather than keep her beloved uncle safe from an obvious employee of Dr. Claw, she typically lets him do his goofy thing, then wanders off with Brain to solve the case herself. They crack the case but don't catch Dr. Claw (and we still don't get to see his damn face), Gadget gets all the credit (and basks in it, because he's far from modest), and then it's "tune in next week" time.

I can not express strongly enough how much this show frightened me at the tender age of five, and still haunts my memories even today. Apart from the obvious elements of a vacuous cyborg who blows up his boss and gets outsmarted by his niece's dog every week, we also start assuming with every episode that every side character who gets introduced is automatically an employee of Dr. Claw. No matter where Gadget is, Claw can follow him on his console computer screen. It's as if no matter how far they run or where they try to hide, there's always an agent...spying. Watching their every move. Filming it. Recording it. The entire world has shifted to the the forces of evil, while "The Police" seems to only have one agent. It's sort of like Invasion of the Body Snatchers minus the green pods, or Blue Sunshine, minus Zalman King trying to shoot crazy bald people in the head with an air pistol.

Although Inspector Gadget is too stupid to care, and Brain is too devil-may-care, one can almost see the despair in Penny's eyes, as society crumbles around her. Despite her attempts to maintain a cheery outlook, she knows she will soon be the only one left...the world will be entirely in the grips of Dr. Claw, and his evil henchmen will be in every school, church, strip club, and yes, every home in the entire world. Everyone will have uber-hip red cat tatoos but her, and even those in a position of authority will be in cahoots with a madman bent on stealing all the world's clock gears, or whatever else he has planned. The world is going completely mad, and any attempts to stop it will prove fruitless.

And that is how Inspector Gadget destroyed my childhood.

And Now For Something Not Very Different

I was reading Crazy Island earlier, and there was a questionaire cribbed from various sources. Since I feel like I should be making a new entry, yet don't really have anything to write about, I've decided to answer this myself.


Your name spelled backwards: Kids (jarring chord).

Where were your parents born?: The land of fire and the land of ice. I was the resulting explosion.

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: A pair of songs from Cowboy Bebop.

What’s your favorite restaurant?: Probably Taco Bell. Basically any place that the food is edible.

Last time you swam in a pool?: May of 2002.

Have you ever been in a school play?: Yes, in Kindergarten. My class sang "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked a Cake". They were good, but I outclassed them. I totally rocked the house, but there unfortunately weren't any talent scouts in the audience that summer night.

How many kids do you want?: Three. One for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner.

Type of music you dislike most?: Any song that has its own dance.

Are you registered to vote?: Yes

Do you have cable?: DirecTV, baby.

Have you ever ridden on a moped?: No, but I did trip over one once.

Ever prank call anybody?: I've called a lot of people and breathed heavily, BUT WHO SAYS I'M JOKING?

Ever get a parking ticket?: No. Parking is free here in Mississippi.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: No, but I might try SCCA racing some day, if I can find a cheap beater sports car.

Farthest place you ever traveled: Well, unless you count that trying spiritual journey in which I discovered that Velveeta cheese makes a really good sandwhich, probably either Pennsylvania or Minnesota. Or the trip I took back to Mississippi during the time that I actually lived in Minnesota.

Do you have a garden?: No, but I might plant one. Either Soundgarden or Memory Garden, I can't decide which. Whichever one, I'll be sure to plant the "Seed of Destruction" and practice "Sowing the Seeds of Love".

What’s your favorite comic strip? Kevin and Kell

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?: I'm a little confused on that whole "ramparts" part.

Bath or Shower, morning or night?: Shower at night. Followed by a snail mucus facial. Works wonders.

Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?: Donnie Darko

Favorite pizza topping?: Bell pepper

Chips or popcorn?: Lasagne

What color lipstick do you usually wear?: I'm of the male persuasion, and do not wear lipstick.

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: No. Good shit?

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: No. I'd have to cut my hair and shave my mustache. Screw that.

Orange Juice or apple?: Whichever one is orange colored. I can't remember which.

Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?:
Does eating at a restaurant with my parents count? If so, I don't remember which the first was, because I was probably 2 years old.

Favorite type chocolate bar?:Peanut Butter Twix

When was the last time you voted at the polls?:
This'll be my first year.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?:
Probably around 8 years ago. I'd rather have a store-bought one, on the whole.

Have you ever won a trophy?:
Honor Roll, Clarkdale Elementary, 1st grade.

Are you a good cook?: Gag-inducingly good.

Do you know how to pump your own gas?: Yes, and change my own oil, and perform most major automotive repairs. You've hit my hobby, there.

Ever order an article from an infomercial?: No, but sometimes if I can't sleep I'll get up, drink some coke, and make fun of infomercials, MST3K style. Sometimes - especially if I'm really tired - I'll come up with a real zinger that I write down and use at some point later. This works well with the news and music videos, as well.

Sprite or 7-up?: Dr. Pepper

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?: Yes. The black cap showed up a lot of dandruff, too. Damn McDonald's. Damn them to hell.

Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Oral steroids and antibiotics for a throat condition a year ago. I have robbed a few since then, though, does that count?

Ever throw up in public? Yep. Ate too much once when I was a kid and left a river of stomach juices outside of a diner. It was a remarkably refreshing experience, for some reason.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?: Given the chance, millionaire. Love is a lot more likely to happen eventually.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: No.

Ever call a 1-900 number?: No, but I did call 976-DROP-DRAWERS once.

Can ex’s be friends?: If they're willing to not act like the complete fucktards that ex's usually act like.

Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?: My father, when he had bypass surgery about ten years ago. I tend to avoid hospitals.

Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?: Hell if I know.

What message is on your answering machine?: An automated woman's voice saying "Please leave a message after the beep". I guess it's supposed to be voice mail, but I don't even know the difference.

What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?: BUCKWHEAT!

What was the name of your first pet?: When I was born my family had a dark grey cat named Velvet. It was very mean. Used to call me names, and try to convince me to kill my neighbors in the name of my Lord Satan.

What is in your purse?: A Ruger Redhawk .44 Magnum revolver, with an 8" barrel and a bright chrome finish, with a genuine walnut handle.

Favorite thing to do before bedtime?: Pace for a few minutes and reflect on some goofy crap that doesn't need reflection.

What is one thing you are grateful for today?: Nothing really. To whom would I owe the gratitude?

There. That was fun, and quite candid. I'll have to try that again sometime.

I Got Your Ethical Treatment Right Here!

You can feel them...breathing down your neck every time you buy a new belt. You can hear them...pitiful moaning like so many George Romero zombies as soon as you take a bite of your cheeseburger. You can see them...standing by the side of the road speaking into megaphones and looking like a bunch of militant Anthrocon rejects. They are the People Eating Tasty Animals.

No, that's not really what it stands for. It's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: PETA, or "PeTA", as they prefer to spell it. One can infer that ethics is low on their list of priorities from that spelling.

How can I accurately describe PeTA, without resorting to the delicious hyperbole and attacks that I'm saving for later in this post? How about using PeTA's own description, from their website?

PETA believes that animals deserve the most basic rights, consideration of their own best interests regardless of whether they are useful to humans. Like you, they are capable of suffering and have interests in leading their own lives; therefore, they are not ours to use for food, clothing, entertainment, or experimentation, or for any other reason.

MmmHmm. In other words, extreme animal lovers. For a look at what really drives these fellows, perhaps we should take a look at their FAQ, which is typically the most concise part of any given site.

People who support animal rights believe that animals are not ours to use for food, clothing, entertainment, experimentation, or any other purpose and that animals deserve consideration of their best interests regardless of whether they are cute, useful to humans, or endangered and regardless of whether any human cares about them at all...Animals should have the right to equal consideration of their interests. For instance, a dog most certainly has an interest in not having pain inflicted on him or her unnecessarily. We are, therefore, obliged to take that interest into consideration and to respect the dog's right not to have pain unnecessarily inflicted upon him or her.

Okay, so animals are capable of suffering and deserve to live their own lives. No argument from me. In fact, it's a point of view I appreciate more than most. I'd even concede that humans are no "better" than any other animal. But there's one problem: That whole "natural order" thing. Humans are at the top of the food chain, and we should act as such. Wolves don't question the morality of killing a moose. Foxes don't question the morality of killing a rabbit. If you really think you're on the same level as every other animal, why act morally superior? We don't kill animals for fun or to dishonor them...we do it for survival. We get our energy from consuming their flesh.

But that's what I think. And you know...what PeTA thinks is what PeTA thinks. So it's a bunch of people who don't want to eat meat and think that animals should be liberated from all forms of captivity. Weird, but okay. It's all down to individual choices in lifestyle. To each his own. Right?

Everybody is entitled to his or her own opinion, but freedom of thought is not the same thing as freedom of action. You are free to believe whatever you want as long as you don't hurt others. You may believe that animals should be killed, that black people should be enslaved, or that women should be beaten, but you don't always have the right to put your beliefs into practice. The very nature of reform movements is to tell others what to do don't use humans as slaves, don't sexually harass women, etc. and all movements initially encounter opposition from people who want to continue to take part in the criticized behavior.

Oh hell no they didn't...they didn't just compare killing animals for food to American slavery and domestic violence. So this is how they justify it...if you eat meat, you're a spouse-beater and a slave driver, and you should be stopped.

Their FAQ just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along, too...How does PeTA justify the acts of violence and arson committed by the eco-terrorist group Animal Liberation Front (ALF)?

Throughout history, some people have felt the need to break the law to fight injustice. The Underground Railroad and the French Resistance are examples of movements in which people broke the law in order to answer to a higher morality. The ALF, which is simply the name adopted by people who act illegally in behalf of animal rights, breaks inanimate objects such as stereotaxic devices and decapitators in order to save lives. ALF members burn empty buildings in which animals are tortured and killed. ALF raids have given us proof of horrific cruelty that would not have otherwise been discovered or believed and have resulted in criminal charges being filed against laboratories for violations of the Animal Welfare Act. Often, ALF raids have been followed by widespread scientific condemnation of the practices occurring in the targeted labs, and some abusive laboratories have been permanently shut down as a result.

Oh marvelous. Whereas most resistance movements answer to moral absolutes, PeTA has decided to adopt the same tactics to a very relative point of view. Hey everybody, let's go burn down a Red Lobster and SAVE SOME FUCKING CRUSTACEANS!

The best part of PeTA is their preoccupation with vegetarianism and the uber-trendy veganism, which is an extension of vegetarianism in which one doesn't consume meat OR eggs, dairy or any other animal product. Why do they wish to force these points of view on others?

From a moral standpoint, actions that harm others are not matters of personal choice. For example, murder, child abuse, and cruelty to animals are immoral acts, not matters of choice. Today, our society encourages meat-eating and factory farming, but at one time, society also encouraged slavery, child labor, and many other practices that are now universally recognized as wrong

Universally accepted as wrong? Funny, I thought parts of the world still used slavery and child labor.

In case you haven't caught on yet, now this isn't about personal choice. They want to force us all to be scrawny-ass, malnourished vegetarians who wear natural fibers and are into whale-watching. They seriously want to ban meat-eating, apparently hoping humans will start dying of malnutrition.

Studies have also shown that vegetarians have lower cholesterol levels than meat-eaters and are far less likely to die of heart disease or cancer.

Whoa! Stop right there. These people are actually trying to make us believe we'll be healthier if we DON'T eat meat? But I guess if your idea of "healthy" is "deathly and grossly underweight", then yeah, being a vegetarian would make you very healthy indeed.

And everyone is always harping about cholesterol. Fuck cholesterol...that's got nothing on protein deficiency.

The consumption of meat and dairy products has been conclusively linked with diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis, clogged arteries, obesity, asthma, and impotence.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Arthritis? Impotence? I'm surprised no one has linked vegan diets to mental retardation...there's already some evidence for that hypothesis right here. Predictably, no sources are given for these ludicrous claims.

Moving on, this is really precious: "Aren't humans natural carnivores?"

Actually, a vegetarian diet suits the human body better than a diet that includes meat. Carnivorous animals have claws, short digestive tracts, and long, curved fangs. Humans have flat, flexible nails, and our so-called "canine" teeth are minuscule compared to those of carnivores and even compared to vegetarian primates like gorillas and orangutans. Our tiny canine teeth are better suited to biting into fruits than tearing through tough hides. We have flat molars and long digestive tracts that are suited to diets of vegetables, fruits, and grains.

Oh, okay. Our canines are built for biting into fruit. This is one of the dumbest things they've said yet. And last I checked, we're not carnivores OR herbivores, we're OMNIVORES. We have evolved to eat both plants AND meat.

Hey PeTA: For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three. Does that make me a murderer? Does it make me immoral? Does it put me on the same level as Hitler and Stalin? Tough shit.

There's a holocaust on my plate, and it sure is scrumptious. Yum!